What Happened Happened. Now What Will You Do With It?

I have always had a type-A personality, but while I was growing up, I struggled with a little bit (or a lot) of a control issue. I tended to be a little bossy, especially when it came to my friends, and seemingly thought I could make people do whatever I wanted. Things were usually done my way, my friends usually came to my house, and whatever we did tended to be my idea. My mom highlighted this as something I really needed to work on while she was still alive and thankfully I have gotten much better about it over the years. Interestingly enough, it was my mom that provided the insight I so desperately needed, without even meaning to. The major event that taught me I'm not the one in control came just a few days after I turned 16, when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn't control it, I couldn't change it, and I couldn't make things turn out the way I wanted them to. She, I, and the rest of our family were at the mercy of a terrible disease, and things were in God's hands - not our's. All we could do was pray, and we did. 15 months later, I couldn't control that God's plan wasn't the same as mine. I couldn't control that she died. We try so hard to control what happens to us in our lives, I think that's just human nature, but it always takes some major event or unfortunate circumstance to remind us that we aren't the ones in control. We also aren't in control of other people. Even those we love will hurt us, do things we don’t expect, and cause us to feel emotions that perhaps we don't want to. All of these unfortunate things happen, in my opinion, to remind us that we aren't the ones in control. (I believe that God is, but you are free to believe in what you want so long as you understand that it isn’t you.) But all of these things are used to teach us one of life's greatest lessons, that the only thing you can ever control in this life is yourself. You can't control what happens to you, but you CAN definitely control how you react to it. You can't control what someone else says or does, but you can control how you react to it. Ironically enough, we often try to control what happens or what other people do more than ourselves because it tends to be easier! It’s easy, when someone says something very hurtful, to yell or instantly become defensive and say something hurtful back. It's much harder, however, to remain in control of ourselves and our emotions, and to try and see through the other person's words to why they might have said that and what they might be feeling. Furthermore, I have learned that whenever people are rude or nasty to me, it's usually not about me at all. So why lose my peace over it and become a worse version of myself? No. Now I try much harder to remain in control of myself, to stay calm, and to look past people's abrasive words and actions. When someone is rude to you in line at the grocery store, or beeps at you for no reason while you're driving, it would be easy to beep back or yell back or maybe even make an inappropriate gesture. But what if you knew that the person who was being rude at the grocery store just found out their spouse has been cheating on them? Or what if the person who beeped at you was rushing to the hospital because their loved one has taken a quick turn for the worst? We don't know why people act the way they do and we can't control them. The only person we can control is ourselves, and that's a much harder job anyways – not to mention a fulltime one! Ever since my mom died I developed a bad habit of seeing everything as happening TO me and everything as being about me. Life just kept throwing tough stuff my way, as I saw it, and since I saw it that way it kept on happening. When bad things happened I always reacted the same way, emotionally and dramatically, and all too often defensively. I had become a little alarm clock, tick tick ticking away whenever something would set me off (which was pretty often). Then, when I went through a horrible breakup, I realized that that was one of the biggest things I needed to work on and change about myself. Nine months later, I’m proud to say that I have come a very long way. Am I perfect? Of course not. But I continually strive to be better, and when I fall into my old habits, I am much quicker to catch myself. Life isn't about what happens to you...it's about what you make happen as a result. I can't control the fact that my mom died, but I CAN control how I let it affect my life. I could let it make me bitter, angry, resentful, guarded, and fearful. I could allow my grief to swallow me whole and separate me from the rest of the world, and I did for years without really realizing it. I could also allow her death to render me a victim, as many people do who have had unfortunate things happen to them. But in my opinion, there are too many victims of this world walking around out there; too many people who have allowed the things that have happened to them at a young age, or at any age, to control the rest of their lives. Being sexually abused as a child, growing up in a family of drug addicts, or experiencing the loss of a loved one could easily make anyone scared of other people, or to trust other people, and could make someone feel wrong, different, damaged, or not good enough. But life is too short to let something that you couldn’t control control you. Don’t you agree? I don’t want anything to control me, whether that thing be fear, alcohol, or another person’s opinion of me. We’ve all had painful things happen to us. Some of us are born with disabilities, others into broken homes, others into poverty, and others into situations that make us grow up long before we should. We can’t change the hand we were dealt, but that doesn’t mean we can’t turn it into a winning card game! The way I look at it, you were given the specific challenges and setbacks you were for a reason. You were put on this Earth to do something that no one else can, in a way no one else can, and what has happened to you and continues to happen to you is all to help you do that something better. Don’t waste time looking over your shoulder, wishing your life had been different, questioning why you didn’t have a life like so and so. Own the life you’ve got. Win the hand you’re playing. Make all you’ve lost and all you’ve struggled through count for something. I don’t know about you, but my eyes have been fully opened over the past nine months to a few of the reasons why I lost my mom. I have become aware of how powerful and healing my words are to people who need to hear them. I have realized that I am someone so many people feel they can relate to - people who have lost a parent or are watching a parent die. I have become someone who helps others work through their emotions in those tough times, someone who helps others get in touch with their losses and the feelings surrounding them, someone who helps them understand and work through their grief. I have become someone who helps so many people my age that feel alone in their losses and in their feelings realize that they are not alone. I have become someone who inspires others the way my mom has inspired me. I have become someone who grew up wanting to be a motivational speaker that now has experiences I can use to motivate and inspire others. I have I have become a writer with a story. Do I wonder what my life would’ve been like if my mom didn’t die? From time to time, but not really. Sure, I wonder what it would be like to see her again, to feel her again, to grab lunch, walk around the mall, or sit on the couch and talk with her. But I know that she died for very good reasons, reasons I may never know. What I do know, however, is that losing her at such a young age has enabled me to help others who are experiencing loss in their teens and twenties too. It was enabled me to provide support to those who need it when they need it most. It has opened my eyes to how precious life really is, to how blessed I am to have all that I do and the mother that I did, and to what trust and faith are all about. Above all else, it has taught me to appreciate what I have before it becomes what I had. It could’ve taught me to expect the worst, to be afraid of loss (which it did for about eight years), to resent God, to be jealous of every other girl who still has her mom, and to be a person who lives her life in grief. But this road I'm walking on now is so much better. This proactive, not reactive, style of living is so much more amazing than I could've ever imagined! My loss was not in vein. What pains us instructs us, and losing my mom was more painful than anything I could've ever imagined, but it also taught me more than I believe anything ever will. Whatever has hurt you, what has it taught you? Focus on that. Let it motivate you. Let it strengthen your resolve. Let it be the thing that propels you forward, not holds you back. And remember, "Life isn't about what happens, it's about what you make happen as a result." At my writing retreat in Vancouver, a very sweet woman said to me, “Your greatest responsibility is your response-ability.” Choose wisely, friends. 