Today was the last day of my 30-day challenge, which means that I successfully completed 30 Bikram yoga classes in 30 days. I decided to take on this challenge to prove something to myself, to prove that I could do something I didn't know I could, to try something new, and to challenge myself physically and mentally. Today, as I sat cross-legged at the beginning of my final class, I looked at myself and realized that the most important thing this challenge taught me was something I least expected: balance.
Looking back, I think I've been trying to strike a balance in my life ever since my mom passed. I tried balancing my past with my present, moving on but still holding onto her, making new memories but treasuring and reliving the old ones, getting into relationships but struggling to keep doing the things that make me ME, working so hard at school and work but also trying to have some fun, being a sweet, responsible girl but also letting loose a little, working out but also trying to relax a bit here and there (I haven't always been very successful at the latter), being smart with my money but also doing things I want here and there because life is too short not to, and eating healthy but allowing myself to splurge occasionally. In reality, I think we're all just trying to find a balance. In reality, life is all about balance. Too much of anything isn't good; even healthy things like working out, because without down-time or days off your body can't recover and grow stronger. Being with the love of your life is definitely a good thing, but spending every waking moment together isn't and will create resentment, frustration, a lack of self, and therefore a lack of happiness. Putting in long hours at work to get that promotion is great, but working too much for too long won't make you happy and it will probably destroy your life outside of the office. Loving your child/children more than anything and making them your world is great, but forgetting to take care of yourself and do things that make you happy will make you unhappy and possibly even resentful of your child, and forgetting to take care of and enjoy the marriage that existed before the child will ruin it. Too much of anything ruins it, even good things. I have struggled to find a balance for years in terms of my weight, to not be obsessive about counting calories and working out all the time, and also to not get frustrated and just eat as much as I want or to eat for the wrong reason - because I'm emotional, bored, etc. Balance. In my relationships with men, I have not yet successfully found a balance - until now. Everytime I got into a relationship with someone in the past, I wound up wanting to be with them all the time. I put that person in front of my friends and often my family, in front of doing things I loved liked writing, and ultimately, before myself. I didn't know how to balance all the things that were important to me, and I suppose I didn't yet realize that making someone else my world was nothing more than a reflection of my own insecurity. I didn't know how to put myself first, I didn't love myself enough to make taking care of me most important, and I was too racked with the fear of what would happen to my relationship if I did what I really wanted, like go away to school or move where there were more magazines. Getting off-track in relationships became my claim to fame, and I have to admit I even moved home from Georgia (my favorite state) twice, for two different guys. Yes, I know, stupid. But I learned a lot from it both times, I home come to find that both moves happened for very important reasons, and as a result of making bad decisions for myself to make someone else happy, I realized that I will never be truly happy with anyone if I don't make myself happy first. And making myself happy is something only I can do. Other people can contribute to my happiness, yes, but if I'm not doing things to make myself happy, no one else will ever be able to. After a history of making bad decisions for myself when I'm in a relationship and then making great ones when I'm not, however, I developed a thought-process that I'm better off single. For about a year now I've been single, refocusing on myself, growing in self-awareness and self-love (as cheesy as that sounds), relaxing more, trusting more, and learning how to let myself flow in the direction my life has been pointed. This past year has been the most amazing year for me, full of life-changing experiences, opportunities, self-exploration, and a happiness that overflows nearly every day. In this past year I started to finally truly heal from my mother's death, traveled to Vancouver, B.C., for a writing retreat that changed my life and brought me home a totally new and inspired person, I left my full-time job to focus on writing my book, I moved into a beautiful new apartment that has a fabulous writing room with a great roomate, I got back into yoga, decided to become a yoga instructor, and am about to leave for a 14-day immersion training in Santa Barbara, CA, I held the first meeting for my "Feel, Deal & Heal" support group for teens and twenty-something's that have lost a parent, and I started hanging out with someone who I share a very special bond with, someone who reminds me how amazing I am every day and does things to show me that, and someone who continues to teach me how to be the best version of me everyday. Quite the year, huh? But in doing all of those things, I still hadn't found a way to balance it all effectively and successfully until the past 30 days.
As I looked at myself in the mirror today, sitting tall and proud, I realized that this past 30 days showed me not just how much stronger I am - both mentally and physically - than I thought, but how capable I am of "doing it all." I put that in quotation marks because I'm not talking about doing everything and being everything to everyone, no. I'm talking about making time for all the people and things that are most important to me. If someone told you to do 1 1/2 hours worth of hot yoga every day for 30 days, do you think you would have the time to do it? Probably not. And that was a big part of my challenge - the time commitment. I figured that if I did yoga every day I wouldn't be able to run or spin or life weights at all, that between work and yoga I wouldn't have much time for family or friends, and that I certainly wouldn't find any time to write. Yet, ironically enough, I found more time in these past 30 days that I expected to, and did so much more than I have in any other month. As I look down at my desk calendar, I see days that I went shopping at the outlets with my best friend, went spinning and did "dinner and a movie" with my roomie, tried a butt-kicking bootcamp class at SkyZone Buffalo for the first time, took two yoga classes in one day for the first time, had coffee with a couple of girlfriends, went out to dinner with a great guy, hung out with my niece and sister, had a family night, went to Rochester with some friends for dinner and drinks, decided to go to Santa Barbara for the immersion part of my training and booked my airfare, began to study and memorize the dialogue for my classes, did something a little crazy and spontaneous that I probably "shouldn't" have but am so glad I did, and most importantly, held the very first meeting of my support group. I did all of that in 30 days!! Crazy right?! As I sat on my mat I thought about how the one posture that caused me the most trouble at the beginning of my challenge was standing-bow pose, a pose that requires a great deal of balance, determination, focus, and patience. Patience certainly isn't my strong suit, and until now, neither was balance. At the beginning of my challenge I started pushing myself more and more each class, like I always had when I wasn't practicing every day, but by day 15 I was really starting to feel it. Could I keep pushing this hard, beyond my limits, every class and still make it to day 30? One day I was so sore from doing another workout (I think it was a run), that I honestly didn't think I could do yoga. I tried one of the poses at home and it physically hurt. A good friend convinced me to go and just take it easy. Take it easy? Ha, I wouldn't even know where to start! Ironically enough however, when we got to standing-bow pose, I didn't push quite as hard as I usually do and for the first time ever, I held the posture the entire time. Most people fall out of the pose several times, which shows that you are pushing, but the pose is all about kicking back as hard as possible while also stretching forward as far as possible, thereby finding a perfect balance that will enable you to hold the posture without falling. I had to smile and laugh at the irony. When I stopped pushing myself so hard, I found my balance.
In these 30 days, I realized that pushing myself so hard constantly has been the thing holding me back more than anything. I try so hard to do everything I tell myself I should that I end up doing nothing well. I focus on two many things all at once and then get frustrated and give up. I tell myself I have to write this book now, now that I have the time and a writing room to do it in, but by worrying myself and getting so frustrated with myself for not writing, I make myself not even want to do it at all. It's like I failed before I even started. Whenever you push yourself too hard, you fall. Why? Because you lose your balance. You can't find your balance when you're pushing too hard! Why do always think we have to push so hard and stretch ourselves so thin and be so perfect at everything? And when we aren't "perfect," why are we so quick to beat ourselves up? No one is perfect, and no one can do any one thing perfectly all the time. After challenging myself to 30 yoga classes this month, I learned how to take it a bit easier on myself - ironic, right?! I realized that I don't have to give 100% all day, every day. I don't have to push past my limits every single class. That would've been the best way to exhaust and hurt myself. Some days my back was sore, other days my hamstrings were pulled, and I had to adjust my practice and how deeply I went into certain poses accordingly. If I pushed too much when something was sore, I would've injured myself and ruined my challenge. See? Pushing too much is never a good thing, and it feels great to finally realize that.
Taking that even further, during this 30 days I realized that what I do in the yoga studio is exactly what I do in my daily life - push myself non-stop, too hard, too much. In reality, I know I have been pushing myself non-stop ever since my mom died. I was such a baby up until she died, so afraid to leave home or step out and do much of anything at all, and after she tried pushing me out of the nest a bit when she was sick, I knew I needed to do it myself after she died. And I have, non-stop. I pushed myself to dorm, despite being petrified, and once I did that, it was onto the next challenge - taking a trip with a friend to somewhere I had never been, NYC, where I knew no one. Then came dorming out of state. After I did that, I let myself fall in love again, and then when the relationship ended, I challenged myself to move to Georgia for an internship. Next came attaining a fulltime job, then moving to Georgia "permanently," then moving home to finally write my book, and then traveling out of the country by myself for a writing retreat. I have been pushing myself to grow and do things I'm afraid of non-stop, which is good, but what's not good is being so focused on the next step, and the next, that you never appreciate or celebrate where you are now. Constantly focusing on the next step and the next and your ultimate destination is the best way to miss your life. All the best things in life aren't in the past or the present, they're happening right now. The only way you can feel love is right now. All of your power and your happiness is in this moment. Yoga has taught me how to be present in each moment, letting the last pose go and not worrying about the next or focusing on getting to the end of class. It's about the process, it's about each moment.
I'm finally done looking for the next step. I think I was actually looking for me in the next step, and I never found me because when I got to that step I was already focused on the next. By stopping looking for myself in the future and focusing on who I was going to become, I figured out who I am. Because who I am isn't about who I'll be or where I'll be, it's about who I am and where I am. I found me inside of a yoga studio, and I started to realize that life isn't about making things happen, it's about letting things happen the way they are supposed to. It's not about forcing, it's about accepting. I accept the hand I was dealt, I accept that my mother died and that I can now help so many other people dealing with loss and grief, I accept the thick thighs my mothers gave me that help me run and do yoga so well, I accept that I talk a lot and am emotional beyond belief, I accept that my favorite kind of books are self-help books, I accept that I gained a few pounds over the past nine months, and I accept that I don't know how everything is going to come together or when, because all I need to know is that I'm being me and doing what feels right and what makes me happy and I trust that everything will fall into place as a result.
Inside of a yoga studio I realized that I can do anything I think I can, just like my mother always told me, so long as I'm not too busy trying to do everything. Practicing balance in the postures has taught me how to practice balance in my daily life, in my relationship with others, and in my relationship with myself. I now know that so long as I keep my balance at all times and adjust myself as needed to keep that balance, I'll always be successful and happy! Ii'm not afraid of getting into a relationship again anymore because I know how to keep my balance now, and I know that none of my relationships will be successful if I'm not taking care of the one I have with myself first. Now that I found my balance, over these past 30 days, I don't have to be so afraid of losing it. :)
You can do anything in 30 days. What will you challenge yourself to this month? Tomorrow is a new day and marks the beginning of a new month. Make it a good one! Challenge yourself to do one thing all month, something you think you cannot do. Maybe that thing is as simple as finding 15 minutes each day to be by yourself and clear your mind, maybe it's to finally drop your pace below an 8-minute mile, maybe it's to start writing every day, even just a little, to sign up for a class, to spend more time with your family, to kick an addiction or bad habit, to finally stop spending and start saving, to drop a few pounds, to start seeing a counselor or being working through issues from the past, or to simply stop focusing so much on everybody else and taking care of everybody else and to start focusing a little bit more on yourself. We fill our lives with so much and try to do so many things, but we'll never be able to do everything. This month, just start with something, one thing, and do it for 30 days. Challenge yourself to push through and not give up when it's hard, or when an ostacle pops up. There were so many days that I was physically exhausted or just didn't want to get up out of my bed to go to class, but I did and I was always glad after. I proved to myself that I could do it when I didn't want to or didn't think I could, and that gave me a sense of self-empowerment that you wouldn't believe! I want you to feel the same empowerment. Won't you show up for yourself too? Because if you don't, who will? You can do so much more than you think you can. Trust me. Why not challenge yourself and see??? :-)
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