Tonight my favorite yoga teacher Ann Marie began class by sharing an inspirational quote with all of us. "Choose to be extraordinary. Extend excellence in every aspect of your life." I can't remember who she attributed the quote to, but then she added: "Always DO your best and you will always BE your best." And with that, we began class. We stood up, eyes on our eyes, and each made our usual commitment to be fully present for the next 90 minutes. But unlike usual, I decided to do something a little differently today. Rather than pushing myself for my mom or anyone else, and rather than offering the class up for anyone, I decided to dedicate my practice to myself. I always work hard in class but after hearing that quotation I decided to work harder, to push further, to achieve excellence in each posture (both times), and to do the best I could possibly do every second. I pushed and pushed and pushed, I remained focused and centered, I felt my muscles working harder, my mind concentrating more, and the sweat falling faster. It was a whole different experience that it has ever been before, and I did more than one thing differently.
Within just a few poses I noticed how serious my face was. I'm such a happy person but I'm very serious with myself, stern with myself, and so hard on myself. Upon beginning class I immediately noticed the girl next to me was the same one I had been so intrigued by in class last week, not because her practice was so focused and beautiful, but because she smiled at herself throughout most of the postures, particularly at the end when they are the hardest. Our yoga instructors always remind us to smile in the class, as learning to smile through discomfort is something that will help us do the same outside of our practice and thereby change each challenging experience into a more positive one for ourselves, but I have noticed that I never do. I smile a lot in general but never at myself. Why? What did this girl know that I didn't? What did she feel for herself that I didn't? She seemed to have a secret and I wanted to be let in on it. And then it dawned on me. Maybe there is no secret. Maybe she's smiling at herself because she loves herself, because she's proud of herself, because she's happy to be here for herself, happy to be working hard for herself, and happy to be herself. Maybe there isn't any secret outside of the smile. Maybe the smile is the secret. Maybe smiling at myself will be my doorway into truly loving myself and feeling that love, or at the very least, a step in the right direction. So today I decided to give it a try.
Last night I had a great conversation with a close friend and we talked about my book, my lack of trust in myself, and how much I have struggled to truly love myself for who I am and who I'm not. I love who I am, I do, but I don't know that I really feel that way a lot. I say I love myself and I know I'm a great person, but I'm very hard on myself and don't really show myself a lot of love or feel how great I am. I thought about how quick I am to encourage others but not myself. I thought about how good I am at building others up and inspiring them, but how hard it is for me to do that for myself. I thought about what a life-altering example of faith and trust my mom set for me, but how much I struggle to actually feel and exercise that faith and trust, particularly in myself. I thought about the other night when my nearly three-year-old niece was struggling to push her wheelbarrel of books and said "I can't! I can't, Aunt Kimmi!" before she even tried to, and how I kneeled down and said, "Alexis sweetie, you didn't even try! Don't say you can't before you've even tried! If you think you can't, you won't! You need to say, 'I think I can! I think I can!' instead!" Her mother (my oldest sister) laughed at me for giving self-help advice to a two-year-old, and it was a little funny, but as I later talked openly with my friend about it I remembered how quick and easy it was to correct her lack of confidence in herself. Why then, is it so hard to do the same thing for myself? Why am I so quick to fill my head with self-defeating thoughts, worries, fears, and non-stop criticism? And then it dawned on me - I'm 25 years old but maybe I've never really loved myself. That's a scary thought, but think about it. When you love someone and they are scared, don't you comfort them? When you love someone and they are upset, don't you patiently and lovingly try to calm them down and soothe them? When you love someone and they are being too hard on themselves or judging themselves unfairly, don't you build them up? And when you love someone and they think they can't do something they want to, don't you tell them that they can and remind them of all the times they did things in the past that they didn't think they could? Of course! So why, then, do we not do this for ourselves? Why are we so hard on ourselves, so mean to ourselves, so judgemental and unforgiving? Why are we so quick to trust others but not ourselves? Why do we so often look to others for support, encouragement, and love before ourselves? Loving yourself isn't a word. It's an act. Today, upon having such a great conversation with my friend last night, I woke up with a new attitude. I decided to stop talking about loving myself and having faith in myself because love and faith aren't just words - they are acts. And like my mother always said, "Actions speak louder than words."
Tonight, my practice was sheer excellence. I decided to be my personal best in every moment of every posture and I was. I decided to smile at myself more, and as weird as it felt the first couple of times, I also instantly felt more warmth and love - for myself. I began to love myself more today, first in my writing room and then in my yoga studio. I am learning to love myself more through friends of mine, through family, through yoga, and through my writing. Learning to truly love ourselves, to nurture ourselves, to inspire ourselves, to be kind and forgiving to ourselves, and to tear down the barriers of our own minds isn't easy, but it's so worth it. Today, decide to be extraordinary. Decide not to be the best, but to be your best. Decide to commit yourself to yourself - to loving yourself and your life, to achieving your goals, and to making yourself as happy as you want to be - for yourself and no one else. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or what anyone else thinks. It only matters what you think of you. Don't dazzle them - dazzle you! Tonight I decided to show up to myself, for myself. I pushed myself harder than I thought I could and I walked out of that yoga studio flying higher than a kite (not to mention more soaked in sweat than the the time I ran 3 miles in a torrential downpour)! And I told myself, "THIS is what you need to do in your life outside of the studio! THIS is how hard you need to work for the things you want. THIS is how much focus and determination you need to have and how much you need to apply yourself with your book- for YOU!" And the same goes for you! Be Brilliant. Be Brave. Be Fabulous. Be Love. Be YOU! And LOVE YOU!
(And if you can, try this. Walk over to the mirror and give yourself a big ole' smile - not because you look fantastic, but because you are fantastic, no matter how you look. Notice how it feels to smile at yourself. Start there. Who knows where you might end! :) And do that as many times as you can throughout the day. We're so quick to smile at others, but today, why don't you try something new? Try smiling at yourself!)
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