No One Is Hurting You Except You!

This past weekend I had a very eye-opening experience, one that I needed to take a step back from to fully understand. I would like to share it with you because I think it effects so many more people than I ever thought, and maybe it has effected you too. I apologize if this entry is a bit unorganized or lengthy, but I truly believe that different parts of it will speak to different people, and that most of you will find yourselves relating to it quite easily. Several months ago I become friends with someone who is unlike anyone I have ever been friends with before, and I haven't fully understood exactly why this person came into my life - until now. I formed a bond with this person based on a shared loss, some common life experiences, and a similar perspective on life as a result. Unfortunately, this person is still "stuck" as a result of his life experiences, just like I was until about nine months ago. Nine months ago I went through a breakdown that left me in pieces, pieces that only I could put back together. This was no ordinary breakup, or breakdown, however. This one had been building for over seven years. Shortly after my mom died, my first love broke up with me. He told me he "just couldn't take it anymore," just couldn't handle me "being sad all the time," and then said something that has effected my view on love and relationships more than I ever would've thought possible at the time. He looked me in the eyes on my mother's cream-colored Ethan Allen couch, as I was curled up in the fetal position with tears streaming down my face, and said: "It's like you want me to be here all the time because your mom's not and I can't." When I was the most vulnerable I had ever been in my life, the most scared and hurt and lonely and unsure of how to feel about anything in my life anymore, this guy, who was supposed to love me, told me it was too hard being there for me because I needed him too much. I was crushed. Aren't we supposed to need people? Isn't that why we're all on this journey together? Isn't that why we have families and friends - to be there when we need them, to support and love us when we might not be able to do that ourselves? He said it was just too hard for him to watch me be sad all the time as result of my mother having just died. It wasn't fun like a normal teenage relationship. And so, just months after I lost my whole world, I lost the only guy I had ever loved. I have never felt that alone, that hurt, and that disappointed all at once. And on that day I did something that was very uncharacteristic of me, Little Miss Lover, and something that I never would've done had my boyfriend not just said that to me. * I vowed that I would never need anyone again. * I still needed my mom and yet she wasn't here anymore, and I needed my boyfriend to be there for me now more than ever and he wasn't. I had lost the greatest love I had ever known and the "love" of my first love all at once, and I told myself that if I was somehow still standing, I didn't need anyone. I stayed single for quite a while after that, but when I began to date again the fear of loss I had developed, coupled with the fear of needing someone that I "knew" I would ultimmately lose, played a major factor in all of my relationships. I didn't realize at the time that as a result of those two close losses, I began to expect loss, fear change, and react as though everything that remotely effected me was happening directly to me. I became even more sensitive and emotional. And even though I was moving on in dribs and drabs from my initial grief, I was stuck in one area - fear. Whenever anyone would get close, close enough to make me feel as though I needed them, I began to have issues. If at any point that person made me feel like I needed them more than they needed me, or cared about them more than they cared about me, a war began inside of me. I felt vulnerable and weak, something that had hurt me immensely in the past. As a result, I would protect myself by activating my defense mechanisms and calling in the troops. Up went the shield over my heart and out came the quick, careless, and usually hurtful words that I would regret soon after I said them. I would push the person I cared about away very quickly so that I didn't appear vulnerable or in need of someone else when I really was. All I wanted was to be truly loved and not left, but what I didn't realize at the time was that by defending myself against loss, I was attracting more of it to me. I was living out of fear instead of love, thereby making it impossible for anyone to truly love me. I had begun a dangerous and very self-destructive cycle, a cycle that I continued myself without even realizing it. All I wanted was to be loved, and not left, yet my actions and defense mechanisms were making it impossible for that to happen. When my most recent boyfriend broke up with me, marking the first time I had ever been broken up with, it was for that reason exactly. He broke up with me in a very painful way, a way that could've added so much fuel to my self-destructive, fear-based cycle, but I decided it was high time I stopped the cycle. I could continue to see the things that were happening in my life as validation for why I acted the way I did, or I could stop. I suddenly realized that I had been choosing to see them that way, and I needed to start choosing to see things differently. My eyes had been opened to the ways I was hurting others, but mostly myself, and I decided that something needed to change - ME. And I did, in more ways than I have ever thought possible. It wasn't until this past weekend though, when a friend acted in exactly the same way I did about nine months ago, that my eyes were truly opened to what a bad place I was truly in, a place that so many people comfortably live in, and how far I really have come since then. This past weekend I watched someone I truly care about react exactly the way I did nine months ago - automatically, defensively, and with some very hurtful words. I watched him attempt to protect himself against me because he felt vulnerable and exposed. He was hurt, scared, and panicked, but instead of just telling me how he felt and what he needed so that I could be there, his defense mechanisms made it impossible for him to get what he really needed. He wanted me to be there so badly but he was battling himself inside, not wanting to need someone to be there but knowing that he did. And what I got, as a result, was the crazy, panicked, confusing, hurtful response to all that was going on inside of him. My phone was blowing up, one text after the other, and for the first time in nine months I thought to myself, "Wow, so this is how Jake (my ex-boyfriend) felt." It was exhausting, draining, and hurtful reading all the things he was saying to hurt me because he was feeling hurt, to make me feel bad that I wasn't there, and then to guilt me into talking to him after I had asked him to leave me alone. I would've been there for him had he only just asked early that morning rather than getting mad and annoyed that I wasn't there at a time when I didn't even know he needed me! But he made it impossible for me to be there and then chose to see my absence as validation for what he has come to believe - that no one will ever be there for him when he needs them to be. That's a big part of the reason why he doesn't open up or get close to many people. It's so sad to watch, and even though he upset and hurt me a lot, I wanted to be there for him so much just to prove to him that someone will be there and someone will care. But I know that I can't do that for him, just like Jake couldn't do that for me. My friend needs to realize all of this on his own, in his own time, just like I did. He has dealt with so much on his own in his life, at a much younger age than anyone should ever have to, but his losses and hardships have taught him what they have taught so many of us - that the only one you can ever count on is yourself. Others will only dissappoint you, or hurt you, or leave you. That's what we tell ourselves when we are hurt too much, and that is exactly when we begin to harden ourselves to love, close up the doors of our hearts, and call in the troops to defend it in case anyone gets too close. But that's no way to live, and what most people don't see is that by doing that, they begin a self-perpetuating cycle that will never give them what they truly want. In fact, it will only give them exactly what they don't want. My friend needed me to be there this past weekend, but he acted in a way that made it impossible to get what he needed. And by doing that, he helped me see, for the first time, what it felt like to be on the other side of a relationship with an unhealed person - how terrible it feels to be on the receiving end of someone's harsh and hasty words, how painful it is to care about someone who is hurting themselves and pushing you away in an effort to protect themselves, how draining the cycle is (since this kind of thing happens over and over again), and how hard it is to take a step back and do what's best for yourself when you only want to help that person. I have never been one to not be there for someone when they needed me, but this past weekend I finally realized that everyone has a limit. Jake did too, and that's why he broke up with me. He loved me so much but he realized that the same thing just kept happening over and over again and he was smart enough to realize that despite how much I loved him and wanted to change, I wasn't ready yet. And ironically enough, as a result of losing him, I finally realized that I needed to heal my old wounds so that they wouldn't keep ruining my relationships with others, and most importantly, with myself. True love knows no fear, and where there is fear, love cannot abide. How can anyone expect to have a healthy, loving relationship if they are still reacting to things that have happened in the past, fearful that the same things will happen again? In order to lead happy, fulfilling lives today, we have to let go of yesterday. I KNOW that there are things that have happened in the past that have hurt you and left a very deep mark, but the only one that is continuing to let those things hurt you now is YOU! Fortunately, YOU are also the only one who can stop them. (And that is quite a whopping realization to have, I know!) Whether you were abused as a child, unloved or abandoned, cheated on by your spouse, or sitting at the side of a hospital bed at 17-years-old watching your mom take her last breath, you must deal with what happened so that you can heal from it. You can't hide from it, or pretend that it never happened and didn't effect you. If you don't allow yourself to heal at the time and simply cover up your wound or ignore it, it will continue to negatively effect you take the time. We avoid confronting or dealing with things that are too painful, yet it is those things that effect us the most and need to be dealt with the most. It isn't easy working on ourselves and working through the things that have hurt us, but it is necessary if we ever want to let go of what has been holding us down so that we can move on. You can't undo what has happened to you in your life, but you can heal from it. You will always have the scars and that's okay because they are part of what make you who you are. I promise that you will find someone who will love you not only with those scars, but for those scars. However, no one can truly love you when they are wide-open wounds. They need to be healed first, and so do you. There are so many people in this world that are the walking victims of their own lives; so many people who have been defeated by the events of their lives without even realizing it. Their pain or fear has taken over, and they are no longer in control of their thoughts or reactions to things. Perhaps they are still reacting to things that have happened in the past, still beating themselves up for things that they did in the past, or sitting around waiting for the next bad thing to happen. But that's the best way to miss your own life, and to waste this precious gift. At some point, which will probably be a very low one like it was for me, you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, "Enough is enough." If something very negative or painful has happened in your life, you can't change it but you can change the way you feel about it. It might take a long time for you to realize that what you've been doing isn't working, but I have faith that when you're truly ready to change it, you will. I was so tired of reacting defensively in my relationships, pushing people away when I needed them the most so that I wouldn't feel vulnerable and hurt again. But I did anyways, every time, and I felt worse as a result of hurting someone I truly cared about. My past had overcome my present, and my fears had overcome my mind. I was ensuring more loss by being so afraid of it, by pushing people away whenever I felt like I cared more about them than they did about me. Somewhere inside of me there was still a 17-year-old girl sitting on her mother's Ethan Allen couch, so afraid to feel that abandonment and pain again, and she was the one reacting for me. But the person standing in front of me now wasn't James (my first love) anymore, and the woman looking back at me in the mirror wasn't 17 anymore. I needed to let go of my old fears and insecurities so I could find the love I truly wanted. Have you ever heard the saying that what you resist persists? Well, it does. And it will keep persisting, whatever it may be, until you stop resisting it. Now that I finally have my life has been so much better and my relationships have been so much more fulfilling. Will I always have my scars? Yes. Will I still feel the hairs of fear raise on my arms when I am put in a situation where I feel vulnerable or scared of loss? Yes, but now I know that I can control my feelings and my fears. I don't have to let them control me anymore. Remember, "Your feelings are the cause of what happens to you. Not the other way around." Stop and think about that for a moment. It's so true. When I would feel like my ex-boyfriend was ignoring me or didn't care about something pertaining to our relationship as much as I did, I would react defensively. What I was reacting to, though, were my own feelings, my own thoughts, and my own fears about how he felt! The worst feeling in the world was when he broke up with me and I realized that it was my own fault, and that I had brought it on myself by acting on my thoughts and fears and feelings rather than upon what was actually happening. I had brought on exactly what I didn't want by acting on feelings that weren't based in reality, feelings that were based in the past, in fear, and in the expectation of more of the same loss I had already experienced. Your feelings are the cause of what happens to you, not the other way around, and they will continue to bring more of exactly what you don't want into your life until you decide to own up to them and work through them. Don't try to hide from your feelings. They are there for a reason. They are the windows into your soul. Acknowledge them and honor them, but remember that you can control them too and that you should never let them control you. Ever since Jake and I broke up, I began to view every person in my life as a teacher, every experience as a lesson, and every relationship as a mirror. Just like mirrors, relationships are designed by life to reflect your stuff and help you claim it, according to best-selling author Iyanla Vanzant. I totally agree and I think that's why so many of us steer clear of relationships and shy away from letting anyone get close enough to see all of our "stuff." But your baggage is yours and at some point, you need to claim it. Only then can you begin the work of sorting through it so you can get rid of what you don't need anymore and let go of the things that have only been weighing you down. The people in our relationships come to us to show us what we need to do to choose love first. Jake taught me more than he will ever know, and he helped me realize what I needed to work on and let go of in order to live my life in love, not fear. That's how I have chosen to see it, which has changed my whole life. I could've chosen to see it as another reason not to open up to people, another reason to be afraid of loss, and another reason to lean on no one but myself, but I'm done with that nonsense. I'm stronger than that and I'm better than that now. And this past weekend, just like Jake held a mirror up in front of my face nine months ago, I think I held a mirror up in front of my friend's face too and helped him see everything he didn't want to. I think I helped him realize that he was acting and reacting to nothing more than himself, his own thoughts, and what he chose to feel as a result of those thoughts. One of the biggest realizations that came to me when Jake and I broke up was that he wasn't really the one who hurt me, I had hurt myself, and that he wasn't the reason I was so upset, I was. It is not other people or situations that ultimately cause us to be upset. Rather, it is our own thoughts and attitudes about those things that are responsible for our distress, and the actions we take as a result of those thoughts and attitudes that can hurt us. I acted automatically and defensively to what I thought was happening, not what really was. I thought he was going to leave me before he ever did and I acted on that, pushing him away with nasty words and causing him to feel like there was nothing he could do besides the one thing I didn't want him to - leave. Life isn't happening to you, life is responding to you. Every area of your life is your call. You are the creator of your life and the writer of your life story. Make it a good one, not a sad one. You can't change what has happened to you, but you can change how you view it, how you feel about it, and how you let it effect your life. You decide how you feel, no one else. Please remember that. But in order to be aware of that, you have to slow down and calm down long enough to realize it. Next time you are about to react automatically to something you see as negative, slow down and do just one thing - breathe! Take just one minute before you respond to think and answer these questions... Were you about to react appropriately or inappropriately? Were you about to react to something someone was actually saying, or something you heard them saying? Were you about to react to something that was actually happening, or something you thought was happening? Were you about to react based on what was actually happening in that moment, or in the past? Your feelings and thoughts are SO powerful. Work harder to stay in control of them, rather than letting them control you. When you choose to view your life through a lens of pain and fear, you will never see anything as it really is. You will see everyone as out to hurt you, or leave you. Be aware of this. Be aware of yourself. And as you grow in self-awareness, as I have been growing over the past nine months, remember that everything in your life is exactly as you choose to see it. You can see people as out to get you, or hurt you, or disappoint you, but what good will that do? You can choose not to trust people, not to let them in, and not to let them love you, but why would you? You've already been through enough, haven't you? Take down your shields and stop using your words as weapons to defend yourself. Stop leaving so that you aren't the one who is left. Stop hanging up the phone so you aren't the one who gets hung up on. Stop backing out of dates, making excuses for why you shouldn't be in a relationship, or finding everything under the sun wrong with someone so you don't have to like them. Please stop living your life out of fear, because if you don't make it your business to overcome fear, you better believe it'll overcome you. I'd like to leave you with one last thing, a quote that I believe we should all live by, especially those who have been hurt the most and seek love the most. "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built up against it." <3