There is nothing better than feeling loved, there really isn't. It's a feeling unlike anything else in the world, as is being in love. But many of us are so needy for love - those who have lost parents, those who have been abandoned or cheated on, those who were sexually abused as children, or those who were raised to believe they are unworthy of love - that they are willing to do anything to get it, or anything that remotely resembles it. I have watched so many people (including myself) cling to relationships that they knew weren't right simply because they were afraid to walk away, afraid to lose someone, afraid to be alone, afraid of the unknown. I know people who are literally incapable of being on their own and always have to be in a relationship. Others look for love and acceptance through relationships because they don't feel that way on their own.
There are so many people out there who are in relationships when they shouldn't be, who are attempting to find things in another person that they will never be able to, and who are so weighted down with emotional baggage and insecurities from the past that their relationships with anyone are doomed to fail until they begin not to work on them, but to heal their hurts first so that they can then begin to work through them and get past them. "The most important relationship you will ever be in is the one you have with yourself." I believe that with all my heart. Every other relationship is secondary to that one. Think about it. No one can make you happy if you aren't making yourself happy. No one can figure out your life's purpose for you, follow your heart for you, change you, heal your heart for you, or convince you that you are beautiful or amazing if you don't think so yourself. If your thoughts are dominated by negativity, fear, doubt, and insecurity, no one can change that except for you! And if your thoughts are dominated by those things, how is it that you think your relationships with others won't be? Similarly, if you don't trust yourself to make good decisions for yourself, how will you trust yourself to make good decisions for yourself in a relationship? And if you aren't making good decisions for yourself and taking care of yourself on your own, how do you think you'll do that when someone else gets thrown into the mix? Ahh, but that's just the point. You won't! And that's probably okay with you because you aren't looking to take care of yourself, are you? You're looking for someone to take care of you for you. And you aren't looking to love yourself, you're looking for someone else to love you for you.
Many people go looking for love to receive love. They try to find someone to make them happy, someone to make them feel loved or appreciated, and someone to remind them of how amazing they are. And that's the problem. Too many people go looking for love everywhere else besides the one place they need to - within themselves. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to? Similarly, if you can't even love yourself, how can you expect to fully and completely love another? You can care about someone, yes, and you can do nice things for them and take care of them, but if they were to start spending time with people and things other than you, how would you feel? Neglected? Unloved? Not good enough? Or if the person you are in a relationship with were to get an amazing job offer that would require them to quickly relocate to another state, how would you feel? Would you be instantly excited for them to go and begin an exciting new chapter of their lives, as you should be if you truly love them, or would you feel sad, insecure, and fearful of losing them? People who are lacking in self-love, people who are insecure and living in fear, and people who love conditionally would be instantly insecure or hurt or mad. Needless to say, that's not true love.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8
When you truly love someone and you know they truly love you, you don't have to be fearful that they'll leave you, that they'll forget about you, or that your relationship won't last. And if you love yourself, believe in yourself, and respect yourself first and foremost, you know that you will be just fine even if they do choose to leave you, and can believe that there simply must be someone better for you out there. So many people are incapable of being left however, because they don't like who they are. Those are the people that have no business being in relationships. If you aren't happy with who you are or what you're doing, you need to do something differently, not just go look for someone to make you feel better about it. Because at the end of the day, if you aren't happy with yourself, no one will be able to make you truly happy. And if you don't love yourself, you will only be able to "love" someone else to a certain extent - until they do something to make you feel insecure or afraid of losing them. So many people's relationships are dominated by fear these days, particularly a fear of loss or getting hurt, and ten times out of ten those are the people who haven't healed from their past hurts. Those are the people who constantly compare the person they are with to someone they used to be with, people who constantly bring up the past and constantly expect others to hurt or disappoint them, or constantly expect themselves to make the same mistakes they did in the past. They are the ones who expect the worst and then get it, because they expected it, believed it, and attracted it to their lives. These people often fail to see that by allowing fear to dominate their thoughts, they create the circumstances they fear the most. They are in a fear-based cycle that is self-fulfilling and self-perpetuated. For example, maybe someone has been cheated on in the past. They get into a new relationship and when that person starts to get text messages from other girls, they immediately feel insecure. Later they wind up going through their boyfriend/girlfriend's phone, unable to trust because the last time they did they got hurt. They haven't been able to leave the past in the past, and thereby bring it with them into the present, ruining more relationships instead of just that one. People don't realize that when they get hurt, they need to deal with it and heal from it before they can open their hearts again. And that takes time. They need to work on themselves and the issues they have come to realize they have before getting into a new relationship, otherwise how can they expect anything to be different? If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got. Each day is a new day, just as each relationship is. They can only be lived and enjoyed to their fullest if they are lived in the present. If you are going to constantly bring up what your ex did to you in a relatuonship with someone new, expecting it to happen again, how can you expect the new relationship to ever work? If you are going to spend today reminiscing on yesterday or wishing things were the way they used to be, how can you expect today to be any better?
This moment is all we have. The past is over and tomorrow hasn't happened yet. Flush your old fears and insecurities down the toilet. Let them go. Spend time by yourself. Heal your wounds. Do things you love, and if you don't know what you love, spend time figuring it out. Don't be afraid to be alone (and you never really are anyways). Besides, "you can't be lonely if you like who you're alone with." If you aren't happy with yourself, don't go looking for someone else to make you feel better. Make yourself feel better. Love the way YOU make you feel. Take that trip you've always wanted to! You don't need anyone else to go with you. Pack some good books or magazines, search for some local hiking trails or spas or shopping centers, and enjoy walking on the beach, relaxing, and centering yourself. Don't spend your life looking for others to do for you what you should be doing for yourself. Want some new friends? Make some! Join a recreational team or a meetup group! Want to feel better about yourself? Get back to the gym, start eating healthier, get a makeover, or hit the salon for a day. Take care of you. If you don't, who will? Believe in you, heal you, and trust you. If you don't, how can you expect someone else to?
Ironically, it's so much easier to "love" others than it is to love ourselves. Why? We so often fail to realize, however, that until we truly learn to love ourselves, we won't really be able to love anyone else. We can avoid working on our relationship with ourself as long as we want, but until we do, none of our other relationships will be successful. After my last breakup I became aware of how much easier it was for me to take care of my ex than it was to take care of myself, how much easier it was to motivate and encourage him than myself, and how much more willing I was to do things I thought he wanted me to do than things I actually wanted to do. I would drop anything for him or cancel any plans to be with him, and then when we simply sat there in front of a movie as usual, I would wonder why I gave up something I truly wanted to do for this (and I started to resent myself, and him, for it). I found a book at the library called "Women Who Love Too Much." Sounds like me, I thought to myself. I flipped through it and found something that struck a chord with me - a big one. "If you have ever found yourself obsessed with a man/woman, you may have suspected that the root of that obsession was not love but fear. We who love obsessively are full of fear - fear of being alone, fear of being unlovable and unworthy, fear of being ignored or abandoned or destroyed. We give our love in the desperate hope that the man/woman with whom we're obsessed will take care of our fears. And because our strategy doesn't work, we love even harder. We love too much." Sound familiar? It it does, you need to stop searching for the love and self-acceptance in others that can only be found in yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you. It only matters what you think of you. It doesn't matter if someone else trusts you if you don't trust yourself. It doesn't matter if someone else believes in you if you don't believe in yourself.
True love is the most amazing thing in the world, but it is also becoming more and more rare. Fear has taken over in so many of today's relationships. People who don't love themselves are getting into relationships desperately searching for love, armed with baggage from the past, fear, insecurities, trust issues, and defense mechanisms galore. They are so afraid of losing relationships they are in, relationships they know aren't even that good anyways, because they don't even know who they are without that relationship. They lost themselves in it, but then again, wasn't that the whole point? ... Because if you hide out in a relationship, which is all to easy to do, then you don't have to do the work to heal your past hurts, and figure out who you are and what you want. If you can stay busy and focused on a relationship, you don't have to focus on yourself. But life is too short to avoid yourself, to waste time attempting to find self-love through relationships with other people, to live in fear, and to make other people happy because you don't know how to make yourself happy. Spend time with yourself. Don't be afraid to be alone. Get to know you. Besides, you are going to have to be with yourself for the rest of your life. Don't you want to start figuring out how to be happy with who you are, comfortable with who you are, and honestly, head over heels in love with who you are? I know I do. But how can you love yourself if you don't know yourself? You can't.
So take that time alone you are so petrified to take. It isn't something to be afraid of. It's a gift. I know it's easier to focus on everyone else besides yourself, but where has that gotten you? Don't you think it's about time to stop? Take time for YOU. Get to know YOU. Then, and only then, will you really be able to start loving YOU. Don't wait. Start today. Stop placing so much emphasis on your secondary relationships. Start focusing on the primary one. I promise that nothing, nothing, will ever be more fulfilling, more eye-opening, and more life-changing. <3
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