Challenge Your Self To Step Out Onto The Ledge. It Is Only There That You Will Come To Your Edge, And Only At Your Edge Will You Find Your Balance

Today was the last day of my 30-day challenge, which means that I successfully completed 30 Bikram yoga classes in 30 days.  I decided to take on this challenge to prove something to myself, to prove that I could do something I didn't know I could, to try something new, and to challenge myself physically and mentally.  Today, as I sat cross-legged at the beginning of my final class, I looked at myself and realized that the most important thing this challenge taught me was something I least expected: balance.

Looking back, I think I've been trying to strike a balance in my life ever since my mom passed.  I tried balancing my past with my present, moving on but still holding onto her, making new memories but treasuring and reliving the old ones, getting into relationships but struggling to keep doing the things that make me ME, working so hard at school and work but also trying to have some fun, being a sweet, responsible girl but also letting loose a little, working out but also trying to relax a bit here and there (I haven't always been very successful at the latter), being smart with my money but also doing things I want here and there because life is too short not to, and eating healthy but allowing myself to splurge occasionally.  In reality, I think we're all just trying to find a balance.  In reality, life is all about balance.  Too much of anything isn't good; even healthy things like working out, because without down-time or days off your body can't recover and grow stronger.  Being with the love of your life is definitely a good thing, but spending every waking moment together isn't and will create resentment, frustration, a lack of self, and therefore a lack of happiness.  Putting in long hours at work to get that promotion is great, but working too much for too long won't make you happy and it will probably destroy your life outside of the office.  Loving your child/children more than anything and making them your world is great, but forgetting to take care of yourself and do things that make you happy will make you unhappy and possibly even resentful of your child, and forgetting to take care of and enjoy the marriage that existed before the child will ruin it.  Too much of anything ruins it, even good things.  I have struggled to find a balance for years in terms of my weight, to not be obsessive about counting calories and working out all the time, and also to not get frustrated and just eat as much as I want or to eat for the wrong reason - because I'm emotional, bored, etc.  Balance.  In my relationships with men, I have not yet successfully found a balance - until now.  Everytime I got into a relationship with someone in the past, I wound up wanting to be with them all the time.  I put that person in front of my friends and often my family, in front of doing things I loved liked writing, and ultimately, before myself.  I didn't know how to balance all the things that were important to me, and I suppose I didn't yet realize that making someone else my world was nothing more than a reflection of my own insecurity.  I didn't know how to put myself first, I didn't love myself enough to make taking care of me most important, and I was too racked with the fear of  what would happen to my relationship if I did what I really wanted, like go away to school or move where there were more magazines.  Getting off-track in relationships became my claim to fame, and I have to admit I even moved home from Georgia (my favorite state) twice, for two different guys.  Yes, I know, stupid.  But I learned a lot from it both times, I home come to find that both moves happened for very important reasons, and as a result of making bad decisions for myself to make someone else happy, I realized that I will never be truly happy with anyone if I don't make myself happy first.  And making myself happy is something only I can do.  Other people can contribute to my happiness, yes, but if I'm not doing things to make myself happy, no one else will ever be able to.  After a history of making bad decisions for myself when I'm in a relationship and then making great ones when I'm not, however, I developed a thought-process that I'm better off single.  For about a year now I've been single, refocusing on myself, growing in self-awareness and self-love (as cheesy as that sounds), relaxing more, trusting more, and learning how to let myself flow in the direction my life has been pointed.  This past year has been the most amazing year for me, full of life-changing experiences, opportunities, self-exploration, and a happiness that overflows nearly every day.  In this past year I started to finally truly heal from my mother's death, traveled to Vancouver, B.C., for a writing retreat that changed my life and brought me home a totally new and inspired person, I left my full-time job to focus on writing my book, I moved into a beautiful new apartment that has a fabulous writing room with a great roomate, I got back into yoga, decided to become a yoga instructor, and am about to leave for a 14-day immersion training in Santa Barbara, CA, I held the first meeting for my "Feel, Deal & Heal" support group for teens and twenty-something's that have lost a parent, and I started hanging out with someone who I share a very special bond with, someone who reminds me how amazing I am every day and does things to show me that, and someone who continues to teach me how to be the best version of me everyday.  Quite the year, huh?  But in doing all of those things, I still hadn't found a way to balance it all effectively and successfully until the past 30 days.

As I looked at myself in the mirror today, sitting tall and proud, I realized that this past 30 days showed me not just how much stronger I am - both mentally and physically - than I thought, but how capable I am of "doing it all."  I put that in quotation marks because I'm not talking about doing everything and being everything to everyone, no.  I'm talking about making time for all the people and things that are most important to me.  If someone told you to do 1 1/2 hours worth of hot yoga every day for 30 days, do you think you would have the time to do it?  Probably not.  And that was a big part of my challenge - the time commitment.  I figured that if I did yoga every day I wouldn't be able to run or spin or life weights at all, that between work and yoga I wouldn't have much time for family or friends, and that I certainly wouldn't find any time to write.  Yet, ironically enough, I found more time in these past 30 days that I expected to, and did so much more than I have in any other month.  As I look down at my desk calendar, I see days that I went shopping at the outlets with my best friend, went spinning and did "dinner and a movie" with my roomie, tried a butt-kicking bootcamp class at SkyZone Buffalo for the first time, took two yoga classes in one day for the first time, had coffee with a couple of girlfriends, went out to dinner with a great guy, hung out with my niece and sister, had a family night, went to Rochester with some friends for dinner and drinks, decided to go to Santa Barbara for the immersion part of my training and booked my airfare, began to study and memorize the dialogue for my classes, did something a little crazy and spontaneous that I probably "shouldn't" have but am so glad I did, and most importantly, held the very first meeting of my support group.  I did all of that in 30 days!!  Crazy right?!  As I sat on my mat I thought about how the one posture that caused me the most trouble at the beginning of my challenge was standing-bow pose, a pose that requires a great deal of balance, determination, focus, and patience.  Patience certainly isn't my strong suit, and until now, neither was balance.  At the beginning of my challenge I started pushing myself more and more each class, like I always had when I wasn't practicing every day, but by day 15 I was really starting to feel it.  Could I keep pushing this hard, beyond my limits, every class and still make it to day 30?  One day I was so sore from doing another workout (I think it was a run), that I honestly didn't think I could do yoga.  I tried one of the poses at home and it physically hurt.  A good friend convinced me to go and just take it easy.  Take it easy?  Ha, I wouldn't even know where to start!  Ironically enough however, when we got to standing-bow pose, I didn't push quite as hard as I usually do and for the first time ever, I held the posture the entire time.  Most people fall out of the pose several times, which shows that you are pushing, but the pose is all about kicking back as hard as possible while also stretching forward as far as possible, thereby finding a perfect balance that will enable you to hold the posture without falling.  I had to smile and laugh at the irony.  When I stopped pushing myself so hard, I found my balance.

In these 30 days, I realized that pushing myself so hard constantly has been the thing holding me back more than anything.  I try so hard to do everything I tell myself I should that I end up doing nothing well.  I focus on two many things all at once and then get frustrated and give up.  I tell myself I have to write this book now, now that I have the time and a writing room to do it in, but by worrying myself and getting so frustrated with myself for not writing, I make myself not even want to do it at all.  It's like I failed before I even started.  Whenever you push yourself too hard, you fall.  Why?  Because you lose your balance.  You can't find your balance when you're pushing too hard!  Why do always think we have to push so hard and stretch ourselves so thin and be so perfect at everything?  And when we aren't "perfect," why are we so quick to beat ourselves up?  No one is perfect, and no one can do any one thing perfectly all the time.  After challenging myself to 30 yoga classes this month, I learned how to take it a bit easier on myself - ironic, right?!  I realized that I don't have to give 100% all day, every day.  I don't have to push past my limits every single class.  That would've been the best way to exhaust and hurt myself.  Some days my back was sore, other days my hamstrings were pulled, and I had to adjust my practice and how deeply I went into certain poses accordingly.  If I pushed too much when something was sore, I would've injured myself and ruined my challenge.  See?  Pushing too much is never a good thing, and it feels great to finally realize that.

Taking that even further, during this 30 days I realized that what I do in the yoga studio is exactly what I do in my daily life - push myself non-stop, too hard, too much.  In reality, I know I have been pushing myself non-stop ever since my mom died.  I was such a baby up until she died, so afraid to leave home or step out and do much of anything at all, and after she tried pushing me out of the nest a bit when she was sick, I knew I needed to do it myself after she died.  And I have, non-stop.  I pushed myself to dorm, despite being petrified, and once I did that, it was onto the next challenge - taking a trip with a friend to somewhere I had never been, NYC, where I knew no one.  Then came dorming out of state.  After I did that, I let myself fall in love again, and then when the relationship ended, I challenged myself to move to Georgia for an internship.  Next came attaining a fulltime job, then moving to Georgia "permanently," then moving home to finally write my book, and then traveling out of the country by myself for a writing retreat.  I have been pushing myself to grow and do things I'm afraid of non-stop, which is good, but what's not good is being so focused on the next step, and the next, that you never appreciate or celebrate where you are now.   Constantly focusing on the next step and the next and your ultimate destination is the best way to miss your life.  All the best things in life aren't in the past or the present, they're happening right now.  The only way you can feel love is right now.  All of your power and your happiness is in this moment.  Yoga has taught me how to be present in each moment, letting the last pose go and not worrying about the next or focusing on getting to the end of class.  It's about the process, it's about each moment. 

I'm finally done looking for the next step.  I think I was actually looking for me in the next step, and I never found me because when I got to that step I was already focused on the next.  By stopping looking for myself in the future and focusing on who I was going to become, I figured out who I am.  Because who I am isn't about who I'll be or where I'll be, it's about who I am and where I am.  I found me inside of a yoga studio, and I started to realize that life isn't about making things happen, it's about letting things happen the way they are supposed to.  It's not about forcing, it's about accepting.  I accept the hand I was dealt, I accept that my mother died and that I can now help so many other people dealing with loss and grief, I accept the thick thighs my mothers gave me that help me run and do yoga so well, I accept that I talk a lot and am emotional beyond belief, I accept that my favorite kind of books are self-help books, I accept that I gained a few pounds over the past nine months, and I accept that I don't know how everything is going to come together or when, because all I need to know is that I'm being me and doing what feels right and what makes me happy and I trust that everything will fall into place as a result. 

Inside of a yoga studio I realized that I can do anything I think I can, just like my mother always told me, so long as I'm not too busy trying to do everything.  Practicing balance in the postures has taught me how to practice balance in my daily life, in my relationship with others, and in my relationship with myself.  I now know that so long as I keep my balance at all times and adjust myself as needed to keep that balance, I'll always be successful and happy!  Ii'm not afraid of getting into a relationship again anymore because I know how to keep my balance now, and I know that none of my relationships will be successful if I'm not taking care of the one I have with myself first.  Now that I found my balance, over these past 30 days, I don't have to be so afraid of losing it. :)

You can do anything in 30 days.  What will you challenge yourself to this month?  Tomorrow is a new day and marks the beginning of a new month.  Make it a good one!  Challenge yourself to do one thing all month, something you think you cannot do.  Maybe that thing is as simple as finding 15 minutes each day to be by yourself and clear your mind, maybe it's to finally drop your pace below an 8-minute mile, maybe it's to start writing every day, even just a little, to sign up for a class, to spend more time with your family, to kick an addiction or bad habit, to finally stop spending and start saving, to drop a few pounds, to start seeing a counselor or being working through issues from the past, or to simply stop focusing so much on everybody else and taking care of everybody else and to start focusing a little bit more on yourself.  We fill our lives with so much and try to do so many things, but we'll never be able to do everything.  This month, just start with something, one thing, and do it for 30 days.  Challenge yourself to push through and not give up when it's hard, or when an ostacle pops up.  There were so many days that I was physically exhausted or just didn't want to get up out of my bed to go to class, but I did and I was always glad after.  I proved to myself that I could do it when I didn't want to or didn't think I could, and that gave me a sense of self-empowerment that you wouldn't believe!  I want you to feel the same empowerment.  Won't you show up for yourself too?  Because if you don't, who will?  You can do so much more than you think you can.  Trust me.  Why not challenge yourself and see???  :-)

Push Yourself - You Can Do As Much, Or As Little, As You Think You Can!

I don't know if I mentioned this but I decided to take on a 30-day hot yoga challenge at the beginning of January.  Rather than making resolutions and trying to give things up (though I'll admit I tried giving alcohol up...for a solid week.  HEY! I can, I just didn't see the point in going cold turkey at the time, haha), I decided to truly commit myself to my yoga teacher training.  I decided to practice every single day in the month of January, something I wanted to do in the past but never did.  Even some of my own teachers have never done the challenge, so I'm quite proud of myself for undertaking it.  I knew it would be challenging, but I decided to make it happen; no excuses!  The first week or so was much easier than I expected.  The only thing that was a bit challenging was making the time to get to class every day for an hour and a half, which forced me to give up my shift at work one night because traffic on Elmwood caused me to miss the afternoon class.  I could've just said, "Oh well, that was out of my control.  I guess I just won't make yoga today," but I didn't.  I had made a commitment to myself and I meant it.  I'm so good about being there for other people, helping other people, and putting other people's needs and wants in front of my own, especially in a relationship, but I decided it's time to start being there for me.  It's time to start showing up for myself, to the things I want, and not giving up.  It's time to be much more committed to the things I want, but the things I could very easily back down from or tell myself I can't do.  So, I did what I needed to do.  The second week found me feeling a bit more sore but nothing too bad.  The entire thing was still much easier than I expected.  I was proud of myself, but I didn't really see what the big deal was yet.  Ha!  I was about to find out....

14 days into my challenge was a Saturday and I had to work 10:45 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.  I had a feeling I should get up and go to the 8 a.m. class but I had worked until 12:30 a.m. the night before and was exhausted.  I decided to go to the only class I could, the 5 p.m. one in North Tonawanda, but unfortunately my last table took forever to pay.  Once they finally did, I got stuck in a line of servers waiting to drop their money and add up their credit card slips, and when it was finally my turn, I realized I only had 14 minutes to make it to class.  I was instantly upset as the realization set in - I was going to miss my first day of yoga.  My mood sank faster than a foot would in quicksand.  I was frustrated, mad, and lashed at out my friend, who had upset me earlier in the day.  I blamed my day's negative turn on him, telling him he had started it.  Then it hit me - if I get this upset and frustrated over missing a yoga class, perhaps there are many more reasons than one for me to be going!  Dear Lord, I needed some zen.  I started to think that perhaps this is also part of the challenge.  It isn't just about physically being able to do yoga for 30 days, but also adapting to things that come up, working around them, and not losing your peace over them.  I went home, relaxed, and tried to find my peace again (I believe there might also have been a little wine involved).  I found out that the challenge doesn't necessarily need to be done with one class every day, but just 30 classes in 30 days.  Yay!  What that meant, however, was that I needed to do two the next day.  THAT was when the real challenge began.  I had never successfully completed two classes in one day and I wasn't sure if I could.  Rather than let my mind convince me I couldn't do it however, I decided to go in there with an open mind, believe in myself, and simply do the best I could.  And guess what happened?  I completely rocked it out.  I felt great after the class, mostly because I had done something I didn't know I could.  Rather than not try because I wasn't sure I could do it, I believed in myself and tried.  I was not only pleasantly surprised after, but empowered.  The next day, however, I was very sore.  That soreness has remained with me through the last day or two.  I was so sore, in fact, that I didn't feel I could practice the next day.  So I didn't.  But what did that mean?  You bet - I would have to practice twice the following day.  Here we go again!  Did I do it?  Yes.  Was I even more sore after?  Absolutely. 

The last week has been grueling!  Every muscle in my body is tight, pulled, and stretched beyond its previous limitations.  I am exhausted, sore, and every part of my body feels taut.  My quadriceps and hamstrings are the worst, and the soreness I have felt in them for the past few days has been unlike any soreness I have had before.  It would be enough to make anyone stop the challenge, anyone weak that is, anyone uncommited, and anyone looking for an excellent reason to give up.  But that's not me, not anymore.  I have become almost obsessed with showing up to those mirrors in the studio everyday, to myself, for myself.  I spent too many years giving up on things I wanted, things I didn't know if I could do, things I was too scared to try. Not anymore.  I ALMOST did though.

About five days ago I woke up feeling more sore than ever.  My quads were so tight and so sore that bending over hurt.  I needed to head to yoga soon because I had to work later but I honestly didn't think I could.  I tried to do the third pose in the Bikram sequence, Akward pose, which is a three-part leg strengthening exercise.  Um, OW!  I filled my mind with thoughts of how sore I was as I tried to do it, and as I slowly slid down, I felt my quads hurting more and more.  "I can't do it," I told myself.  But at the same time, I didn't think I would be able to do two classes the next day if I felt this bad today.  I pattered around the house for ten minutes, trying to decide.  I really didn't want to go, physically, but mentally I did.  I was so close to finishing my challenge and I certainly didn't want to give up now, but I honestly didn't think I could.  Then I remembered something I always forget - I don't always have to be perfect!  I push myself beyond my limits every class, and have become borderline obsessed with going further into the postures than I think I can, but one of the biggest elements of yoga is connecting your mind and body (and your breath), and LISTENING to your body.  We can't always get as deep into a posture as the day before, and other days we are sore from something we did and need to adjust our practice accordingly.  All I needed to do was show up and do what I could.  A good friend also gave me a little much-needed kick in the butt, and off I went.  Want to know what happened?  I felt great the minute I got into the warm room and focused on my breath, so proud of myself for simply showing up when I didn't want to and didn't think I could.  I was changing before my own eyes.  No longer was I giving up on things the way I used to.  No longer was I giving up on myself.  And guess what?  Not only did I do much better than I expected, but that class marked the first time that I held the one pose that I always fall out of because I push myself so much, Standing-Bow Pose, the entire time.  I never fell out of it!  I couldn't help but smile as the sun streamed through the window and danced on my skin, and I realized that this is what yoga is all about - teaching you to be the best possible version of yourself.  It is about bringing your awareness to yourself, listening to yourself, connecting your mind and body, pushing past the limits of your mind (and body), and finding balance and harmony within.  Balance is something I always struggle with, and I think the way I struggle with Standing-Bow Pose is symbolic of that.  Yet, ironically enough, when I was too sore to push myself too hard, I struck the perfect balance I had been looking for.  Sometimes we try so hard to be the best and do our best, or do everything, that we prohibit ourselves from doing just that.  Pushing ourselves is great, and we can do so much more than we think, but finding a balance in everything is the true key to success.

What is one thing you really want to do that you simply haven't been making the time for?  Maybe it's something you always wanted to try but never have, a group you've always thought about starting, or a class you've always wanted to sign up for?  Perhaps it's getting back into your old pair of pants so you can start feeling better about yourself.  Whatever it is, commit yourself to it; just one thing!  Set your intention, fill your mind with positive thoughts, and whenever it gets hard and you want to just fall back into your old habits and give up, decide to try something new.  Decide to push through, to not give up on yourself.  As my mother always said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going!"  Whatever it is that you want, get going!  And remember, as Emmerson said, "No one can cheat you out of ultimate success but yourself!"  Stop cheating yourself.  Stop holding yourself back.  Stop giving power to the self-imposed limits of your mind.  Have some faith - in yourself!  I have learned so much over the past year, and the past 24 days of 24 yoga classes, but one of my greatest lessons has been that your faith, in yourself, is what makes you who you are.  So, who are you???  ;)

Find The Love You Seek...It's Closer Than You Think!

There is nothing better than feeling loved, there really isn't.  It's a feeling unlike anything else in the world, as is being in love.  But many of us are so needy for love - those who have lost parents, those who have been abandoned or cheated on, those who were sexually abused as children, or those who were raised to believe they are unworthy of love - that they are willing to do anything to get it, or anything that remotely resembles it.  I have watched so many people (including myself) cling to relationships that they knew weren't right simply because they were afraid to walk away, afraid to lose someone, afraid to be alone, afraid of the unknown.  I know people who are literally incapable of being on their own and always have to be in a relationship.  Others look for love and acceptance through relationships because they don't feel that way on their own. 

There are so many people out there who are in relationships when they shouldn't be, who are attempting to find things in another person that they will never be able to, and who are so weighted down with emotional baggage and insecurities from the past that their relationships with anyone are doomed to fail until they begin not to work on them, but to heal their hurts first so that they can then begin to work through them and get past them.  "The most important relationship you will ever be in is the one you have with yourself."  I believe that with all my heart.  Every other relationship is secondary to that one.  Think about it.  No one can make you happy if you aren't making yourself happy.  No one can figure out your life's purpose for you, follow your heart for you, change you, heal your heart for you, or convince you that you are beautiful or amazing if you don't think so yourself.  If your thoughts are dominated by negativity, fear, doubt, and insecurity, no one can change that except for you!  And if your thoughts are dominated by those things, how is it that you think your relationships with others won't be?  Similarly, if you don't trust yourself to make good decisions for yourself, how will you trust yourself to make good decisions for yourself in a relationship?  And if you aren't making good decisions for yourself and taking care of yourself on your own, how do you think you'll do that when someone else gets thrown into the mix?  Ahh, but that's just the point.  You won't!  And that's probably okay with you because you aren't looking to take care of yourself, are you?  You're looking for someone to take care of you for you.  And you aren't looking to love yourself, you're looking for someone else to love you for you.

Many people go looking for love to receive love.  They try to find someone to make them happy, someone to make them feel loved or appreciated, and someone to remind them of how amazing they are.  And that's the problem.  Too many people go looking for love everywhere else besides the one place they need to - within themselves.  If you can't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to?  Similarly, if you can't even love yourself, how can you expect to fully and completely love another?  You can care about someone, yes, and you can do nice things for them and take care of them, but if they were to start spending time with people and things other than you, how would you feel?  Neglected?  Unloved?  Not good enough?  Or if the person you are in a relationship with were to get an amazing job offer that would require them to quickly relocate to another state, how would you feel?  Would you be instantly excited for them to go and begin an exciting new chapter of their lives, as you should be if you truly love them, or would you feel sad, insecure, and fearful of losing them?  People who are lacking in self-love, people who are insecure and living in fear, and people who love conditionally would be instantly insecure or hurt or mad.  Needless to say, that's not true love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8

When you truly love someone and you know they truly love you, you don't have to be fearful that they'll leave you, that they'll forget about you, or that your relationship won't last.  And if you love yourself, believe in yourself, and respect yourself first and foremost, you know that you will be just fine even if they do choose to leave you, and can believe that there simply must be someone better for you out there.  So many people are incapable of being left however, because they don't like who they are.  Those are the people that have no business being in relationships.  If you aren't happy with who you are or what you're doing, you need to do something differently, not just go look for someone to make you feel better about it.  Because at the end of the day, if you aren't happy with yourself, no one will be able to make you truly happy.  And if you don't love yourself, you will only be able to "love" someone else to a certain extent - until they do something to make you feel insecure or afraid of losing them.  So many people's relationships are dominated by fear these days, particularly a fear of loss or getting hurt, and ten times out of ten those are the people who haven't healed from their past hurts.  Those are the people who constantly compare the person they are with to someone they used to be with, people who constantly bring up the past and constantly expect others to hurt or disappoint them, or constantly expect themselves to make the same mistakes they did in the past.  They are the ones who expect the worst and then get it, because they expected it, believed it, and attracted it to their lives.  These people often fail to see that by allowing fear to dominate their thoughts, they create the circumstances they fear the most.  They are in a fear-based cycle that is self-fulfilling and self-perpetuated.  For example, maybe someone has been cheated on in the past.  They get into a new relationship and when that person starts to get text messages from other girls, they immediately feel insecure.  Later they wind up going through their boyfriend/girlfriend's phone, unable to trust because the last time they did they got hurt.  They haven't been able to leave the past in the past, and thereby bring it with them into the present, ruining more relationships instead of just that one.  People don't realize that when they get hurt, they need to deal with it and heal from it before they can open their hearts again.  And that takes time.  They need to work on themselves and the issues they have come to realize they have before getting into a new relationship, otherwise how can they expect anything to be different?  If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.  Each day is a new day, just as each relationship is.  They can only be lived and enjoyed to their fullest if they are lived in the present.  If you are going to constantly bring up what your ex did to you in a relatuonship with someone new, expecting it to happen again, how can you expect the new relationship to ever work?  If you are going to spend today reminiscing on yesterday or wishing things were the way they used to be, how can you expect today to be any better? 

This moment is all we have.  The past is over and tomorrow hasn't happened yet.  Flush your old fears and insecurities down the toilet.  Let them go.  Spend time by yourself.  Heal your wounds.  Do things you love, and if you don't know what you love, spend time figuring it out.  Don't be afraid to be alone (and you never really are anyways).  Besides, "you can't be lonely if you like who you're alone with."  If you aren't happy with yourself, don't go looking for someone else to make you feel better.  Make yourself feel better.  Love the way YOU make you feel.  Take that trip you've always wanted to!  You don't need anyone else to go with you.  Pack some good books or magazines, search for some local hiking trails or spas or shopping centers, and enjoy walking on the beach, relaxing, and centering yourself.  Don't spend your life looking for others to do for you what you should be doing for yourself.  Want some new friends?  Make some!  Join a recreational team or a meetup group!  Want to feel better about yourself?  Get back to the gym, start eating healthier, get a makeover, or hit the salon for a day.  Take care of you.  If you don't, who will?  Believe in you, heal you, and trust you.  If you don't, how can you expect someone else to? 

Ironically, it's so much easier to "love" others than it is to love ourselves.  Why?  We so often fail to realize, however, that until we truly learn to love ourselves, we won't really be able to love anyone else.  We can avoid working on our relationship with ourself as long as we want, but until we do, none of our other relationships will be successful.  After my last breakup I became aware of how much easier it was for me to take care of my ex than it was to take care of myself, how much easier it was to motivate and encourage him than myself, and how much more willing I was to do things I thought he wanted me to do than things I actually wanted to do.  I would drop anything for him or cancel any plans to be with him, and then when we simply sat there in front of a movie as usual, I would wonder why I gave up something I truly wanted to do for this (and I started to resent myself, and him, for it).  I found a book at the library called "Women Who Love Too Much."  Sounds like me, I thought to myself.  I flipped through it and found something that struck a chord with me - a big one.  "If you have ever found yourself obsessed with a man/woman, you may have suspected that the root of that obsession was not love but fear.  We who love obsessively are full of fear - fear of being alone, fear of being unlovable and unworthy, fear of being ignored or abandoned or destroyed.  We give our love in the desperate hope that the man/woman with whom we're obsessed will take care of our fears.  And because our strategy doesn't work, we love even harder.  We love too much."  Sound familiar?  It it does, you need to stop searching for the love and self-acceptance in others that can only be found in yourself.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you.  It only matters what you think of you.  It doesn't matter if someone else trusts you if you don't trust yourself.  It doesn't matter if someone else believes in you if you don't believe in yourself.

True love is the most amazing thing in the world, but it is also becoming more and more rare.  Fear has taken over in so many of today's relationships.  People who don't love themselves are getting into relationships desperately searching for love, armed with baggage from the past, fear, insecurities, trust issues, and defense mechanisms galore.  They are so afraid of losing relationships they are in, relationships they know aren't even that good anyways, because they don't even know who they are without that relationship.  They lost themselves in it, but then again, wasn't that the whole point? ...  Because if you hide out in a relationship, which is all to easy to do, then you don't have to do the work to heal your past hurts, and figure out who you are and what you want.  If you can stay busy and focused on a relationship, you don't have to focus on yourself.  But life is too short to avoid yourself, to waste time attempting to find self-love through relationships with other people, to live in fear, and to make other people happy because you don't know how to make yourself happy.  Spend time with yourself.  Don't be afraid to be alone.  Get to know you.  Besides, you are going to have to be with yourself for the rest of your life.  Don't you want to start figuring out how to be happy with who you are, comfortable with who you are, and honestly, head over heels in love with who you are?  I know I do.  But how can you love yourself if you don't know yourself?  You can't.

So take that time alone you are so petrified to take.  It isn't something to be afraid of.  It's a gift.  I know it's easier to focus on everyone else besides yourself, but where has that gotten you?  Don't you think it's about time to stop?  Take time for YOU.  Get to know YOU.  Then, and only then, will you really be able to start loving YOU.  Don't wait.  Start today.  Stop placing so much emphasis on your secondary relationships.  Start focusing on the primary one.  I promise that nothing, nothing, will ever be more fulfilling, more eye-opening, and more life-changing.  <3

Be Extraordinary! Don't Dazzle Them, Dazzle YOU!

Tonight my favorite yoga teacher Ann Marie began class by sharing an inspirational quote with all of us. "Choose to be extraordinary. Extend excellence in every aspect of your life." I can't remember who she attributed the quote to, but then she added: "Always DO your best and you will always BE your best." And with that, we began class. We stood up, eyes on our eyes, and each made our usual commitment to be fully present for the next 90 minutes. But unlike usual, I decided to do something a little differently today. Rather than pushing myself for my mom or anyone else, and rather than offering the class up for anyone, I decided to dedicate my practice to myself. I always work hard in class but after hearing that quotation I decided to work harder, to push further, to achieve excellence in each posture (both times), and to do the best I could possibly do every second. I pushed and pushed and pushed, I remained focused and centered, I felt my muscles working harder, my mind concentrating more, and the sweat falling faster. It was a whole different experience that it has ever been before, and I did more than one thing differently.

Love Lives On

Today is my mother's birthday - January 11. She would've been 59 years old today. That's crazy! For the first few years after she passed away I made her a birthday cake on this day that said "Happy First Birthday in Heaven, Mom," and then "Happy Second Birthday in Heaven, Mom," and so on. I tried to organize a family dinner every year, or at least get everyone together, but even that dwindled and didn't seem to be as important to other people as it still was to me. I was trying to hold on to my mom however I could and I don't think I was wrong. I did what I needed to do for me, I felt what I needed to feel, and I allowed myself to be me and to grieve accordingly. I turned a corner in my grief this past year though, a major one, and I would like to take a moment to share something I have only recently realized with you. When I woke up today I wasn't sad or lethargic like I have been in past years. The day didn't change, but my perspective and attitude on it did. I woke up so happy today, excited that it was my mother's birthday, and a beautiful one at that! I looked out the windows of my writing room at the sunny bright blue sky, her favorite kind, and I couldn't wait to get up and go to yoga. Today marked the tenth day of my "30-Day Challenge," which means I do an hour or hour-and-a-half of hot yoga every day for the entire month of January, and the moment I got into the hot, sunny room, my thoughts were centered on my mother. I decided to dedicate my practice today to her. I pushed myself to stay focused and concentrated in each pose, and to push past my "limits" - for her. I felt great when I left, headed home to get ready for work, and drove to work. I felt happy to be alive, happy to have such a beautiful day to celebrate my mother's birth, and happy to know that whether or not my mom is still here with us, and no matter how many years go by, I will always have this very special day to celebrate her. This is not a day to be sad or to cry like I used to. Not at all. It isn't a day to miss her either, it really isn't. It is a day to celebrate her life, a day to celebrate the birth of someone more amazing, inspiring, and loving than anyone else I have ever met. Today, I woke up so happy to celebrate a life that has not ended but only changed in form, and a love that has not, and will not, ever die. My sister's Facebook status this morning was about my mother, as I also planned mine to be, and it touched me as usual. I noticed, however, that she expressed gratitude to my mother for teaching her what unconditional love WAS. I couldn't help but respond, "Gratitude for showing you what unconditional love IS, not WAS. It hasn't stopped." Her love is with us always. True love can never die. Rather, it is fully alive in each of her three daughters and in their born and yet-to-be-born children, just as it will be in their's and their's after, and in the life of every other life she ever touched and will continue to touch though us. Her love is still so alive, probably more now than ever. It is fully expressed in my sisters as they rock their precious babies to sleep, read them stories before bed just like our mom did for us, sing them the same songs, discipline them in the same way our mother did us, play with them just as our mother played with us, and spend every precious moment fully engaged with them, just as our mother was with us. And even though I don't have children yet, my mother's love pours out of me every day and into the lives of everyone around me, though my actions, words, and writing. My mom was a rockstar mother on this Earth and now she is in Heaven too, that's how I see it. Like anything else in life, death is simply how we choose to see it. I read a book shortly after my mom died that held one very profound quote that will stay with me forever. "Death ends a life, not a relationship." Regular every-day relationships can be challenging enough, long-distance ones are even harder, and really long-distance ones (like Earth to Heaven) are the hardest - but they aren't impossible. Every relationship takes work, so why would one like this be any different? We want things to be easy for us but they usually aren't, at least not the things that matter most. For the first few years after my mom died I just wanted to feel her, hear her, or at the very least dream about her, the way so many people assured me I would throughout the rest of my life. "Be patient, sweetie," my counselor told me just weeks after my mom died. "She'll come to you." I remember taking an old play phone we had and writing the word "Heaven" on speed-dial. The number was #000-0000. I tried talking to her that way, and as crazy as I felt or as crazy as it might seem, I think I had the right idea more than I realized at the time. Rather than telling myself what most people do when someone they love dies, "I guess I didn't need her after all if I'm somehow still here and breathing without her," giving themselves a reason to close up and harden their hearts, I acknowledge that I still need my mom. I always will. And because of that, I NEED to still talk to her, spend time with her, and celebrate her life - not just on her birthday or major holidays. I still need that relationship, for me, and if I do then I need to put in the time that any relationship requires. As Helen Keller once said, "What you have once enjoyed you can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." My mother is not dead, not at all. She is very much alive in all three of her daughters, and she will continue to live on not just in us, but through us. Her love will be handed down from generation to generation. It can never be destroyed. And when I miss her, all I have to do is "be" with her, talk to her, spend an afternoon in the park with her, write to her, or talk to someone about her. I don't need to be sad to feel close to her, I really don't. Will I be sad sometimes? Sure. But ironically enough, it is the times when I am happy that I feel so much closer to her. Is it hard not having her physically here? Of course it is. But as much as I learned from her while she was alive, I have learned just as much (if not more) after she died. She continues to inspire and motivate me every day, and I am well aware that whenever I need her, she is always there. She is there in the voice of someone telling me how special I am, in a best friend who reassures me that my book will get written no matter how hard I try not to write it, in my father when he tells me how proud he is of me, in my niece when she looks at me with my mother's bright blue eyes and says "I love you so much," in the best-selling author I met on a retreat last year who fed my soul with more inspiration and direction than I could've ever hoped for, in the mentor from college who helped me financially get to that retreat, in the guy who reminds me how amazing I am every day, and in all those people whose paths I have crossed that have touched me, helped me, healed me, and loved me. I am so grateful to have the mother that I DO, a mother whose love IS the reason that I am who I am today, a mother whose life on Earth taught me what unconditional love is all about, and whose life in Heaven continues to teach me how to place my faith and trust in all the things I cannot see, but all the things that are there just the same. Everything in this world is exactly as we choose to see it. If you want to see your loved ones as gone forever, then go ahead. But why would you? To me, that's easier. It's harder to believe in something you cannot see, harder to be grateful when it's so easy to be bitter, and harder to continue loving someone you no longer have next to you. The choice is yours and so is how you choose to look at death. But remember, "What the caterpillar perceives as the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning." <3 Happy, HAPPY birthday, Mom! I realize that this celebration no longer matters where you are, but it still matters so much to me because on this day a person was born that gave me the greatest gift anyone ever could - my life. You could've left it at that, but you didn't. Far from it. You showed up all day, every day, with nothing but love. You built me into the person that I am and you are such a huge part of the person I am still becoming. I could never, EVER, express enough gratitude to you. Just know that I still love you with all my heart and I always will. Thank you for everything you taught me, everything you still teach me, and all the ways you are there for me every day - even when I don't realize it. Happy Birthday! :) <3

No One Is Hurting You Except You!

This past weekend I had a very eye-opening experience, one that I needed to take a step back from to fully understand. I would like to share it with you because I think it effects so many more people than I ever thought, and maybe it has effected you too. I apologize if this entry is a bit unorganized or lengthy, but I truly believe that different parts of it will speak to different people, and that most of you will find yourselves relating to it quite easily. Several months ago I become friends with someone who is unlike anyone I have ever been friends with before, and I haven't fully understood exactly why this person came into my life - until now. I formed a bond with this person based on a shared loss, some common life experiences, and a similar perspective on life as a result. Unfortunately, this person is still "stuck" as a result of his life experiences, just like I was until about nine months ago. Nine months ago I went through a breakdown that left me in pieces, pieces that only I could put back together. This was no ordinary breakup, or breakdown, however. This one had been building for over seven years. Shortly after my mom died, my first love broke up with me. He told me he "just couldn't take it anymore," just couldn't handle me "being sad all the time," and then said something that has effected my view on love and relationships more than I ever would've thought possible at the time. He looked me in the eyes on my mother's cream-colored Ethan Allen couch, as I was curled up in the fetal position with tears streaming down my face, and said: "It's like you want me to be here all the time because your mom's not and I can't." When I was the most vulnerable I had ever been in my life, the most scared and hurt and lonely and unsure of how to feel about anything in my life anymore, this guy, who was supposed to love me, told me it was too hard being there for me because I needed him too much. I was crushed. Aren't we supposed to need people? Isn't that why we're all on this journey together? Isn't that why we have families and friends - to be there when we need them, to support and love us when we might not be able to do that ourselves? He said it was just too hard for him to watch me be sad all the time as result of my mother having just died. It wasn't fun like a normal teenage relationship. And so, just months after I lost my whole world, I lost the only guy I had ever loved. I have never felt that alone, that hurt, and that disappointed all at once. And on that day I did something that was very uncharacteristic of me, Little Miss Lover, and something that I never would've done had my boyfriend not just said that to me. * I vowed that I would never need anyone again. * I still needed my mom and yet she wasn't here anymore, and I needed my boyfriend to be there for me now more than ever and he wasn't. I had lost the greatest love I had ever known and the "love" of my first love all at once, and I told myself that if I was somehow still standing, I didn't need anyone. I stayed single for quite a while after that, but when I began to date again the fear of loss I had developed, coupled with the fear of needing someone that I "knew" I would ultimmately lose, played a major factor in all of my relationships. I didn't realize at the time that as a result of those two close losses, I began to expect loss, fear change, and react as though everything that remotely effected me was happening directly to me. I became even more sensitive and emotional. And even though I was moving on in dribs and drabs from my initial grief, I was stuck in one area - fear. Whenever anyone would get close, close enough to make me feel as though I needed them, I began to have issues. If at any point that person made me feel like I needed them more than they needed me, or cared about them more than they cared about me, a war began inside of me. I felt vulnerable and weak, something that had hurt me immensely in the past. As a result, I would protect myself by activating my defense mechanisms and calling in the troops. Up went the shield over my heart and out came the quick, careless, and usually hurtful words that I would regret soon after I said them. I would push the person I cared about away very quickly so that I didn't appear vulnerable or in need of someone else when I really was. All I wanted was to be truly loved and not left, but what I didn't realize at the time was that by defending myself against loss, I was attracting more of it to me. I was living out of fear instead of love, thereby making it impossible for anyone to truly love me. I had begun a dangerous and very self-destructive cycle, a cycle that I continued myself without even realizing it. All I wanted was to be loved, and not left, yet my actions and defense mechanisms were making it impossible for that to happen. When my most recent boyfriend broke up with me, marking the first time I had ever been broken up with, it was for that reason exactly. He broke up with me in a very painful way, a way that could've added so much fuel to my self-destructive, fear-based cycle, but I decided it was high time I stopped the cycle. I could continue to see the things that were happening in my life as validation for why I acted the way I did, or I could stop. I suddenly realized that I had been choosing to see them that way, and I needed to start choosing to see things differently. My eyes had been opened to the ways I was hurting others, but mostly myself, and I decided that something needed to change - ME. And I did, in more ways than I have ever thought possible. It wasn't until this past weekend though, when a friend acted in exactly the same way I did about nine months ago, that my eyes were truly opened to what a bad place I was truly in, a place that so many people comfortably live in, and how far I really have come since then. This past weekend I watched someone I truly care about react exactly the way I did nine months ago - automatically, defensively, and with some very hurtful words. I watched him attempt to protect himself against me because he felt vulnerable and exposed. He was hurt, scared, and panicked, but instead of just telling me how he felt and what he needed so that I could be there, his defense mechanisms made it impossible for him to get what he really needed. He wanted me to be there so badly but he was battling himself inside, not wanting to need someone to be there but knowing that he did. And what I got, as a result, was the crazy, panicked, confusing, hurtful response to all that was going on inside of him. My phone was blowing up, one text after the other, and for the first time in nine months I thought to myself, "Wow, so this is how Jake (my ex-boyfriend) felt." It was exhausting, draining, and hurtful reading all the things he was saying to hurt me because he was feeling hurt, to make me feel bad that I wasn't there, and then to guilt me into talking to him after I had asked him to leave me alone. I would've been there for him had he only just asked early that morning rather than getting mad and annoyed that I wasn't there at a time when I didn't even know he needed me! But he made it impossible for me to be there and then chose to see my absence as validation for what he has come to believe - that no one will ever be there for him when he needs them to be. That's a big part of the reason why he doesn't open up or get close to many people. It's so sad to watch, and even though he upset and hurt me a lot, I wanted to be there for him so much just to prove to him that someone will be there and someone will care. But I know that I can't do that for him, just like Jake couldn't do that for me. My friend needs to realize all of this on his own, in his own time, just like I did. He has dealt with so much on his own in his life, at a much younger age than anyone should ever have to, but his losses and hardships have taught him what they have taught so many of us - that the only one you can ever count on is yourself. Others will only dissappoint you, or hurt you, or leave you. That's what we tell ourselves when we are hurt too much, and that is exactly when we begin to harden ourselves to love, close up the doors of our hearts, and call in the troops to defend it in case anyone gets too close. But that's no way to live, and what most people don't see is that by doing that, they begin a self-perpetuating cycle that will never give them what they truly want. In fact, it will only give them exactly what they don't want. My friend needed me to be there this past weekend, but he acted in a way that made it impossible to get what he needed. And by doing that, he helped me see, for the first time, what it felt like to be on the other side of a relationship with an unhealed person - how terrible it feels to be on the receiving end of someone's harsh and hasty words, how painful it is to care about someone who is hurting themselves and pushing you away in an effort to protect themselves, how draining the cycle is (since this kind of thing happens over and over again), and how hard it is to take a step back and do what's best for yourself when you only want to help that person. I have never been one to not be there for someone when they needed me, but this past weekend I finally realized that everyone has a limit. Jake did too, and that's why he broke up with me. He loved me so much but he realized that the same thing just kept happening over and over again and he was smart enough to realize that despite how much I loved him and wanted to change, I wasn't ready yet. And ironically enough, as a result of losing him, I finally realized that I needed to heal my old wounds so that they wouldn't keep ruining my relationships with others, and most importantly, with myself. True love knows no fear, and where there is fear, love cannot abide. How can anyone expect to have a healthy, loving relationship if they are still reacting to things that have happened in the past, fearful that the same things will happen again? In order to lead happy, fulfilling lives today, we have to let go of yesterday. I KNOW that there are things that have happened in the past that have hurt you and left a very deep mark, but the only one that is continuing to let those things hurt you now is YOU! Fortunately, YOU are also the only one who can stop them. (And that is quite a whopping realization to have, I know!) Whether you were abused as a child, unloved or abandoned, cheated on by your spouse, or sitting at the side of a hospital bed at 17-years-old watching your mom take her last breath, you must deal with what happened so that you can heal from it. You can't hide from it, or pretend that it never happened and didn't effect you. If you don't allow yourself to heal at the time and simply cover up your wound or ignore it, it will continue to negatively effect you take the time. We avoid confronting or dealing with things that are too painful, yet it is those things that effect us the most and need to be dealt with the most. It isn't easy working on ourselves and working through the things that have hurt us, but it is necessary if we ever want to let go of what has been holding us down so that we can move on. You can't undo what has happened to you in your life, but you can heal from it. You will always have the scars and that's okay because they are part of what make you who you are. I promise that you will find someone who will love you not only with those scars, but for those scars. However, no one can truly love you when they are wide-open wounds. They need to be healed first, and so do you. There are so many people in this world that are the walking victims of their own lives; so many people who have been defeated by the events of their lives without even realizing it. Their pain or fear has taken over, and they are no longer in control of their thoughts or reactions to things. Perhaps they are still reacting to things that have happened in the past, still beating themselves up for things that they did in the past, or sitting around waiting for the next bad thing to happen. But that's the best way to miss your own life, and to waste this precious gift. At some point, which will probably be a very low one like it was for me, you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, "Enough is enough." If something very negative or painful has happened in your life, you can't change it but you can change the way you feel about it. It might take a long time for you to realize that what you've been doing isn't working, but I have faith that when you're truly ready to change it, you will. I was so tired of reacting defensively in my relationships, pushing people away when I needed them the most so that I wouldn't feel vulnerable and hurt again. But I did anyways, every time, and I felt worse as a result of hurting someone I truly cared about. My past had overcome my present, and my fears had overcome my mind. I was ensuring more loss by being so afraid of it, by pushing people away whenever I felt like I cared more about them than they did about me. Somewhere inside of me there was still a 17-year-old girl sitting on her mother's Ethan Allen couch, so afraid to feel that abandonment and pain again, and she was the one reacting for me. But the person standing in front of me now wasn't James (my first love) anymore, and the woman looking back at me in the mirror wasn't 17 anymore. I needed to let go of my old fears and insecurities so I could find the love I truly wanted. Have you ever heard the saying that what you resist persists? Well, it does. And it will keep persisting, whatever it may be, until you stop resisting it. Now that I finally have my life has been so much better and my relationships have been so much more fulfilling. Will I always have my scars? Yes. Will I still feel the hairs of fear raise on my arms when I am put in a situation where I feel vulnerable or scared of loss? Yes, but now I know that I can control my feelings and my fears. I don't have to let them control me anymore. Remember, "Your feelings are the cause of what happens to you. Not the other way around." Stop and think about that for a moment. It's so true. When I would feel like my ex-boyfriend was ignoring me or didn't care about something pertaining to our relationship as much as I did, I would react defensively. What I was reacting to, though, were my own feelings, my own thoughts, and my own fears about how he felt! The worst feeling in the world was when he broke up with me and I realized that it was my own fault, and that I had brought it on myself by acting on my thoughts and fears and feelings rather than upon what was actually happening. I had brought on exactly what I didn't want by acting on feelings that weren't based in reality, feelings that were based in the past, in fear, and in the expectation of more of the same loss I had already experienced. Your feelings are the cause of what happens to you, not the other way around, and they will continue to bring more of exactly what you don't want into your life until you decide to own up to them and work through them. Don't try to hide from your feelings. They are there for a reason. They are the windows into your soul. Acknowledge them and honor them, but remember that you can control them too and that you should never let them control you. Ever since Jake and I broke up, I began to view every person in my life as a teacher, every experience as a lesson, and every relationship as a mirror. Just like mirrors, relationships are designed by life to reflect your stuff and help you claim it, according to best-selling author Iyanla Vanzant. I totally agree and I think that's why so many of us steer clear of relationships and shy away from letting anyone get close enough to see all of our "stuff." But your baggage is yours and at some point, you need to claim it. Only then can you begin the work of sorting through it so you can get rid of what you don't need anymore and let go of the things that have only been weighing you down. The people in our relationships come to us to show us what we need to do to choose love first. Jake taught me more than he will ever know, and he helped me realize what I needed to work on and let go of in order to live my life in love, not fear. That's how I have chosen to see it, which has changed my whole life. I could've chosen to see it as another reason not to open up to people, another reason to be afraid of loss, and another reason to lean on no one but myself, but I'm done with that nonsense. I'm stronger than that and I'm better than that now. And this past weekend, just like Jake held a mirror up in front of my face nine months ago, I think I held a mirror up in front of my friend's face too and helped him see everything he didn't want to. I think I helped him realize that he was acting and reacting to nothing more than himself, his own thoughts, and what he chose to feel as a result of those thoughts. One of the biggest realizations that came to me when Jake and I broke up was that he wasn't really the one who hurt me, I had hurt myself, and that he wasn't the reason I was so upset, I was. It is not other people or situations that ultimately cause us to be upset. Rather, it is our own thoughts and attitudes about those things that are responsible for our distress, and the actions we take as a result of those thoughts and attitudes that can hurt us. I acted automatically and defensively to what I thought was happening, not what really was. I thought he was going to leave me before he ever did and I acted on that, pushing him away with nasty words and causing him to feel like there was nothing he could do besides the one thing I didn't want him to - leave. Life isn't happening to you, life is responding to you. Every area of your life is your call. You are the creator of your life and the writer of your life story. Make it a good one, not a sad one. You can't change what has happened to you, but you can change how you view it, how you feel about it, and how you let it effect your life. You decide how you feel, no one else. Please remember that. But in order to be aware of that, you have to slow down and calm down long enough to realize it. Next time you are about to react automatically to something you see as negative, slow down and do just one thing - breathe! Take just one minute before you respond to think and answer these questions... Were you about to react appropriately or inappropriately? Were you about to react to something someone was actually saying, or something you heard them saying? Were you about to react to something that was actually happening, or something you thought was happening? Were you about to react based on what was actually happening in that moment, or in the past? Your feelings and thoughts are SO powerful. Work harder to stay in control of them, rather than letting them control you. When you choose to view your life through a lens of pain and fear, you will never see anything as it really is. You will see everyone as out to hurt you, or leave you. Be aware of this. Be aware of yourself. And as you grow in self-awareness, as I have been growing over the past nine months, remember that everything in your life is exactly as you choose to see it. You can see people as out to get you, or hurt you, or disappoint you, but what good will that do? You can choose not to trust people, not to let them in, and not to let them love you, but why would you? You've already been through enough, haven't you? Take down your shields and stop using your words as weapons to defend yourself. Stop leaving so that you aren't the one who is left. Stop hanging up the phone so you aren't the one who gets hung up on. Stop backing out of dates, making excuses for why you shouldn't be in a relationship, or finding everything under the sun wrong with someone so you don't have to like them. Please stop living your life out of fear, because if you don't make it your business to overcome fear, you better believe it'll overcome you. I'd like to leave you with one last thing, a quote that I believe we should all live by, especially those who have been hurt the most and seek love the most. "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built up against it." <3

What Happened Happened. Now What Will You Do With It?

I have always had a type-A personality, but while I was growing up, I struggled with a little bit (or a lot) of a control issue. I tended to be a little bossy, especially when it came to my friends, and seemingly thought I could make people do whatever I wanted. Things were usually done my way, my friends usually came to my house, and whatever we did tended to be my idea. My mom highlighted this as something I really needed to work on while she was still alive and thankfully I have gotten much better about it over the years. Interestingly enough, it was my mom that provided the insight I so desperately needed, without even meaning to. The major event that taught me I'm not the one in control came just a few days after I turned 16, when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn't control it, I couldn't change it, and I couldn't make things turn out the way I wanted them to. She, I, and the rest of our family were at the mercy of a terrible disease, and things were in God's hands - not our's. All we could do was pray, and we did. 15 months later, I couldn't control that God's plan wasn't the same as mine. I couldn't control that she died. We try so hard to control what happens to us in our lives, I think that's just human nature, but it always takes some major event or unfortunate circumstance to remind us that we aren't the ones in control. We also aren't in control of other people. Even those we love will hurt us, do things we don’t expect, and cause us to feel emotions that perhaps we don't want to. All of these unfortunate things happen, in my opinion, to remind us that we aren't the ones in control. (I believe that God is, but you are free to believe in what you want so long as you understand that it isn’t you.) But all of these things are used to teach us one of life's greatest lessons, that the only thing you can ever control in this life is yourself. You can't control what happens to you, but you CAN definitely control how you react to it. You can't control what someone else says or does, but you can control how you react to it. Ironically enough, we often try to control what happens or what other people do more than ourselves because it tends to be easier! It’s easy, when someone says something very hurtful, to yell or instantly become defensive and say something hurtful back. It's much harder, however, to remain in control of ourselves and our emotions, and to try and see through the other person's words to why they might have said that and what they might be feeling. Furthermore, I have learned that whenever people are rude or nasty to me, it's usually not about me at all. So why lose my peace over it and become a worse version of myself? No. Now I try much harder to remain in control of myself, to stay calm, and to look past people's abrasive words and actions. When someone is rude to you in line at the grocery store, or beeps at you for no reason while you're driving, it would be easy to beep back or yell back or maybe even make an inappropriate gesture. But what if you knew that the person who was being rude at the grocery store just found out their spouse has been cheating on them? Or what if the person who beeped at you was rushing to the hospital because their loved one has taken a quick turn for the worst? We don't know why people act the way they do and we can't control them. The only person we can control is ourselves, and that's a much harder job anyways – not to mention a fulltime one! Ever since my mom died I developed a bad habit of seeing everything as happening TO me and everything as being about me. Life just kept throwing tough stuff my way, as I saw it, and since I saw it that way it kept on happening. When bad things happened I always reacted the same way, emotionally and dramatically, and all too often defensively. I had become a little alarm clock, tick tick ticking away whenever something would set me off (which was pretty often). Then, when I went through a horrible breakup, I realized that that was one of the biggest things I needed to work on and change about myself. Nine months later, I’m proud to say that I have come a very long way. Am I perfect? Of course not. But I continually strive to be better, and when I fall into my old habits, I am much quicker to catch myself. Life isn't about what happens to you...it's about what you make happen as a result. I can't control the fact that my mom died, but I CAN control how I let it affect my life. I could let it make me bitter, angry, resentful, guarded, and fearful. I could allow my grief to swallow me whole and separate me from the rest of the world, and I did for years without really realizing it. I could also allow her death to render me a victim, as many people do who have had unfortunate things happen to them. But in my opinion, there are too many victims of this world walking around out there; too many people who have allowed the things that have happened to them at a young age, or at any age, to control the rest of their lives. Being sexually abused as a child, growing up in a family of drug addicts, or experiencing the loss of a loved one could easily make anyone scared of other people, or to trust other people, and could make someone feel wrong, different, damaged, or not good enough. But life is too short to let something that you couldn’t control control you. Don’t you agree? I don’t want anything to control me, whether that thing be fear, alcohol, or another person’s opinion of me. We’ve all had painful things happen to us. Some of us are born with disabilities, others into broken homes, others into poverty, and others into situations that make us grow up long before we should. We can’t change the hand we were dealt, but that doesn’t mean we can’t turn it into a winning card game! The way I look at it, you were given the specific challenges and setbacks you were for a reason. You were put on this Earth to do something that no one else can, in a way no one else can, and what has happened to you and continues to happen to you is all to help you do that something better. Don’t waste time looking over your shoulder, wishing your life had been different, questioning why you didn’t have a life like so and so. Own the life you’ve got. Win the hand you’re playing. Make all you’ve lost and all you’ve struggled through count for something. I don’t know about you, but my eyes have been fully opened over the past nine months to a few of the reasons why I lost my mom. I have become aware of how powerful and healing my words are to people who need to hear them. I have realized that I am someone so many people feel they can relate to - people who have lost a parent or are watching a parent die. I have become someone who helps others work through their emotions in those tough times, someone who helps others get in touch with their losses and the feelings surrounding them, someone who helps them understand and work through their grief. I have become someone who helps so many people my age that feel alone in their losses and in their feelings realize that they are not alone. I have become someone who inspires others the way my mom has inspired me. I have become someone who grew up wanting to be a motivational speaker that now has experiences I can use to motivate and inspire others. I have I have become a writer with a story. Do I wonder what my life would’ve been like if my mom didn’t die? From time to time, but not really. Sure, I wonder what it would be like to see her again, to feel her again, to grab lunch, walk around the mall, or sit on the couch and talk with her. But I know that she died for very good reasons, reasons I may never know. What I do know, however, is that losing her at such a young age has enabled me to help others who are experiencing loss in their teens and twenties too. It was enabled me to provide support to those who need it when they need it most. It has opened my eyes to how precious life really is, to how blessed I am to have all that I do and the mother that I did, and to what trust and faith are all about. Above all else, it has taught me to appreciate what I have before it becomes what I had. It could’ve taught me to expect the worst, to be afraid of loss (which it did for about eight years), to resent God, to be jealous of every other girl who still has her mom, and to be a person who lives her life in grief. But this road I'm walking on now is so much better. This proactive, not reactive, style of living is so much more amazing than I could've ever imagined! My loss was not in vein. What pains us instructs us, and losing my mom was more painful than anything I could've ever imagined, but it also taught me more than I believe anything ever will. Whatever has hurt you, what has it taught you? Focus on that. Let it motivate you. Let it strengthen your resolve. Let it be the thing that propels you forward, not holds you back. And remember, "Life isn't about what happens, it's about what you make happen as a result." At my writing retreat in Vancouver, a very sweet woman said to me, “Your greatest responsibility is your response-ability.” Choose wisely, friends. 

Lay Your Tracks...Now!

Last night I re-watched one of my favorite movies, "Under the Tuscan Sun." If you have never seen it, I highly recommend it. The film is about a writer who finds out her husband has been cheating on her. Seemingly overnight she finds herself divorced, loses her house, and has no idea where to go from there. Her best friend had booked a bus tour of Tuscany that she could no longer go on and told her friend she should go instead. Nothing could've seemed like a crazier or more irresponsible decision at the time, yet the writer decided to do something out of her norm, take a chance, and see what happened. Once she got to Tuscany and began to roam around the town, she saw a sign for a beautiful Tuscan villa up for sale. A gorgeous woman saw her gazing at the picture and told her she should buy it. "Oh, I don't even live here," she replied. "I just went through a divorce and my life in The States is a complete mess right now. Moving out of the country would be a terrible idea." The other woman smirked and responded, "A terrible idea....don't you just love those?" The mysterious woman walked away and left the writer wondering. She then got back on the bus and resumed the tour of Tuscany. Within moments the bus stopped due to a herd of animals in the road. The writer looked out the window to her right and saw the name of the villa she had seen on the for sale sign, and then right behind it was the house! She gasped and couldn't believe her eyes. Now she could've been a doubting Thomas and chalked it up to coincidence, laughed it off, and continued on her way. She was too much like me, however - a believer, a wanderer, a dreamer, and someone who leads her life with her heart, not her head. She stopped the bus, removed herself from the tour with seemingly no concern whatsoever as to what she would do from there, and walked into the house. She winds up buying it, which seems like the craziest idea of all, and then begins to build a new life for herself in Tuscany.

Crazy, right? Irresponsible, illogical, seemingly impossible? Not to me. To me, it's always my most carefree ideas that become my best. It's always the flashes of inspiration, the tiny moments of clarity, the little pushes in a new direction, and the seemingly thoughtless thoughts that have brought me the most joy and positive change in my life. It's easy to stay comfortable, to do the "logical" thing, but the best things in life happen when we push ourselves to be a little, or a lot, uncomfortable for a while. I was uncomfortable and downright scared to get on Superman (the largest rollercoaster in Western New York), but I was absolutely elated that I had conquered it when I got off and rushed to find a phone so I could tell my mother. I was petrified and definitely very uncomfortable the first time I left my parents, the first time I flew alone, when I decided to dorm, when I decided to go away to school and study at the University of Georgia for a semester, when I later moved to Atlanta, every time I started a new job, and when I flew across the country and then out of it to attend a writing retreat on a random island in British Columbia about nine months ago. Each one of those experiences, however, were the best ones of my life. Not only did I enjoy each one immensely, but I grew as a person, learned so much about who I was and what I wanted, and became a better and stronger version of myself each time. Each one of those times I could've thought myself right out of it, quickly making a list of reasons why my decision would be crazy, careless, too expensive, or "pointless." But I don't want to think myself out of the best experiences of my life anymore. Do you? Remember, "All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous, unpremeditated act without benefit of experience." We grow from putting ourselves in situations we haven't been in before. We grow by taking off without knowing where we will wind up. We grow by leaping. We growing by daring to be brave. We can only get to higher ground by going through the discomfort of trudging uphill, not staying comfortably where we are. We have to leap BEFORE we see the net, and that certainly isn't easy. It takes strength of character and it takes VISION. You have to SEE what you want to happen happening before it actually does. You have to believe it BEFORE you see it, which is the true definition of FAITH. Everyone who ever had a dream knew how to do this. They knew how to manifest what they wanted before they actually had it. They understood the power of vision coupled with intention. What's your intention?

The writer in "Under the Tuscan Sun" had a break down a few weeks after moving into the villa. She was all alone in the house with hardly any friends, no family, no one to cook for, no one to occupy the other bedrooms, and she began to wonder if there ever would be. She began to cry to a man that had become a friend, telling him that she had no idea why she decided to make such a crazy decision. "Well," he asked, "Why did you then?" She looked up with big, honest eyes and said, "Because even though my husband left me and my life fell apart and I'm older now than I once was, I still want things." She wanted another chance at love, she wanted a family, and she wanted a new life. He then told her a quick story about a train, which is my favorite part of the movie. He tells her that where there is a train in Tuscany now, through the mountains, there wasn't a long time ago. The men who layed the tracks, however, did so before there ever was a train. They were told not to, because a train would never be able to make it through the mountains, but they laid the tracks anyways because they new that one day, the train would come. The writer smiled when she heard this and so did I. That is how all of us should live our lives, laying the tracks for what we want before we have it. You don't get the life you want tomorrow by doing nothing today. You have to believe in what you want, see and feel it happenening before it actually does, and then act like you already have what you want before you do. That is the power of manifestation. That is how you make it happen. Dream it, believe it, and then you can achieve it.

So sign up for that art class you always wanted to, push yourself back out into the dating world, take that random trip you've always wanted to but "never have the money for and probably never will," sign up to volunteer for an organization you're interested in, and do something "crazy" you've always thought about but just never did. Life is too short to think everything through, and more often than not, we think ourselves right out of the things we want most. Don't let yourself do that anymore. Just go for it! The best ideas are often the ones that seem the craziest or the most "terrible" and random at the time. If there is anything I can advise you to do let it be this: Follow the sparks, the flashes of clarity and inspiration, and the moments of inner guidance more than anything else. Let them guide you more than the voices of reason, the doubting Thomas', the criticizers, the jealous ones, and the negative voice that always seems to be the loudest. Take a step without any idea of where it will lead you. Leap, and the net will appear. That is what faith is all about. You have to do whatever it is you want without the answers. The answers come AFTER you leap, not before. And ironically enough, so does the ground - the higher ground.

Whatever it is that you want down the road won't happen unless you start today. You can't get your dream home without first laying the groundwork and building the foundation. You can't become an author unless you first start writing and getting your name out there. You can't get over your addiction unless you first start saying no one drink at a time. You can't experience complete health again unless you first undergo the physical therapy or treatment or wellness plan that you may not want to. Whatever "train" it is that you want to come, please realize that it can't if you haven't laid your tracks down first. So, what are you waiting for? Grab some rails and get to work! :)

Your Moment

Most people look forward to a new year because they see it as a new opportunity, another chance, and a clean slate. In reality though, January 1, 2012 is just another day, one that follows the last and preceeds the next. All that really changes is the date we see at the top of today’s newspaper. Yet we see it as so much more! Why? Because we want to, and because we need to, but more importantly, because we choose to. We all want another chance so badly – to lose the weight we’ve gained, to get over the guy/girl we know it will never work with, to walk away from a situation we haven’t been able to, or to overcome an addiction. We crave another opportunity to “get it right,” and hope with all our hearts that this new year will be a better one, that it will give us the motivation to be a better version of ourselves, and to do whatever it is that we want but simply haven’t yet. But the truth is, we already have another shot – right now. We don’t need a new year, or even a new day to “get it right.” All we really need is this moment. If we can learn to change our thoughts at any given moment, we will consequently change the way we feel about ourselves, our bodies, and our lives, enabling us to do whatever it is we want to.

This morning I woke up with the intention of going to yoga at 9:30 a.m., studying my dialogue (I am currently training to become a Bikram yoga instructor), going to the gym for a run even though I’m feeling under the weather, attending a friend’s father’s wake, blogging, and working on my book. By 1 p.m., I still hadn’t done anything. I felt a little lethargic, very blah, and as much as I wanted to do all the things I planned, I decided to just go with how I was feeling. What quickly happened, however, was that I ended up feeling so much worse. I got mad at myself for not doing anything when I knew I really wanted to. I knew that once I got myself off the couch I would feel so much better, so why didn’t I? Because I was telling myself I didn’t feel like it, and as a result, I didn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, I do think it’s important to listen to our feelings rather than avoid them, but allowing our feelings and thoughts to control us is something else completely - and where most bad decisions come from. It’s like knowing you’re slightly hungry and walking into the kitchen for a piece of fruit to wind up eating a plate of pasta, some cookies, and perhaps a chocolate milkshake to polish it off! You feel instantly terrible about yourself and wonder, “How did that happen?” Well, you let it happen. You lost control of yourself, but you didn’t even realize it because you were on autopilot. You were eating for the wrong reasons, smoking that cigarette for the wrong reasons, and throwing yourself at that guy again for the wrong reasons. You were doing what you’ve always done and now you’re mad at yourself for it. You shouldn’t be, though, because THAT is what makes it so easy to keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing. You’re so focused on NOT doing what you’ve always done that you wind up doing it again. Why? Because what you think about, you bring about. You’re so focused on what you DON’T want to do that that's exactly what you wind up doing. You need to change your focus and direct your thoughts toward what you DO what to do. Instead of thinking, “I don’t want to stuff my face again,” think, “I do want to walk out of this kitchen and head to the gym.” Instead of thinking, “I don’t want to lose control of myself again,” think, “I want to stay in control of myself this time.” Have you ever heard of the law of attraction? It states that whatever you think about you attract more of to your life. So stop thinking about that ten pounds, because if you do, it won’t go anymore. Start thinking about the gym, eating healthy, rocking that swimsuit this summer, and how great you’ll feel when you’ve accomplished your goal. Stop thinking about how many days, or years, you’ve wasted not doing what you wanted to. You’ll just keep doing it! Start thinking about what you want to do, more and more, until you actually do it! It’s time to change your thoughts. It’s time to walk into the kitchen and look at that gallon of ice-cream and say, “No! Because if I eat you, I won’t feel better like I think I will. I’ll feel worse.” Tell yourself you don’t want it and then you won’t. Walk away and start a new addiction. Become addicted to that feeling you get what you say no, when you don’t do whatever it is you’ve always done, and when you actually do whatever it is you truly want. You’ll begin to crave more of it, and that’s a very good craving to have! It’ll fill you up in a way food never could. It will give you fuel and it will give you power. It will give you a reason to stop beating yourself up and to forgive yourself. It will give you a reason to start believing in yourself. It will give you a reason to stop hating yourself and start loving yourself.

Today I could’ve layed on the couch all day and I almost did. I could’ve used the excuse that I’m not feeling well (which is true), but I knew that if I did that I would only feel worse – and I did. I got mad at myself as I was sitting on the couch and my friend texted me that he was on his way to the gym. I wanted to hit the gym too, just like I had wanted to go to yoga, but I just didn’t “feel” like it. Or at least that’s what I told myself. In reality, I was simply letting myself off the hook. And that’s right about when I usually rub my own back and say, “It’s okay, Kim. You just do whatever you want to do, honey. Don’t feel bad about that.” But ironically enough, doing what I “want” to do now never leads me to what I actually want. I WANT to write a book, but I won’t get there by comforting myself whenever I don’t write. I WANT to lose this stubborn eight pounds I’ve put on over the past ten months, but that won’t happen if I continue to let myself off the hook when I “just don’t feel” like going to yoga or the gym, but would actually much prefer to head to Wegmans for some yogurt covered raisins. I WANT to stop letting myself off the hook, don’t you? I want to stop taking the easy way out. I want to stop giving up on myself. I want to be stronger than my own thoughts. We can be our own worst enemies or our own greatest sources of strength. It’s all about how you choose to use your mind. You can master it, or you can let it master you. I don’t care how many times you’ve failed before. As best-selling author Tama Kieves says, "Remember, you are not upset for what you failed to do in the past. You are upset for what you are failing to do right now. You have the chance to make it right. You have the chance to go forward with a new tool, lesson, awareness, or resolution in your heart. You have the chance to give yourself another chance. You have the chance to turn self-hatred into self-respect and conviction. You have the chance to re-build a sense of trust. It doesn’t matter if you can’t go all the way at once, you can do one small thing." Take back control of your own life and what you really want. You have the power to do anything you want, you really do, but the only one that can do it is you. And the only time to do it is right now.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I did get off the couch...and I wrote this! :-) Today isn’t New Year’s Day, and it doesn’t need to be. It doesn’t even need to be a new day. All any of us ever need is a new moment to be a new you or me in that moment. The power of the moment is so profound. Yesterday is gone and done and tomorrow has not yet happened. Don’t worry about tomorrow, you’ll be there soon enough, but how you FEEL when you get there will be determined by what you do now. You are creating your future right now. If you want to be slimmer in six months, start now. It you want to get over your addiction to alcohol, stop drinking now. Start with this glass, this class, this conversation, this job, and this thought. Stop holding back, because what you hold back will only hold you back. Give it all you’ve got and prove to yourself that you can do whatever it is you think you can’t. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel after. And do it one moment at a time. Change your thoughts about yourself from negative to positive. I don’t care what you did last year, last month, yesterday, or even one minute ago. I don’t care how many times you’ve failed before. Give yourself another chance, and if you screw up, give yourself another and another and another until you get it right. Love yourself enough to do whatever it is that you TRULY want, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it is. Sure, it’s harder to get off the couch, to get up one hour earlier to hit the gym, to put out that cigarette or put down that class, or to leave a marriage you know ended a long time ago, but easy never got anyone anywhere new. If you want things to change, you have to change them. And like my mother always said, “If you keep doing what you always did, you’ll keep getting what you always got.” Want something different? Then DO something different. You can do it, I know you can! But it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks. It only matters what YOU think. So...what do you think?! :-)