My Journey Into Yoga, My Journey To My SELF

I couldn't possibly begin to tell you all the things, both little and big, that yoga has taught me since I began practicing it in 2010.  I first dipped my toes into the yoga pool for mere physical reasons.  I wanted a new and challenging way to work out and hot yoga was certainly it!  It took me a couple of months to go back after my first class, and almost a year to establish a regular practice, but it didn't take very long for yoga to become much, much more than a workout.  I don't remember the exact day or even month that it happened, but somewhere along the line yoga became my greatest teacher, healer, and the one path that led me to my SELF.  As I began to practice more and more, I gradually started to see myself in the mirrors, a self I never knew existed. 

I grew up in a very close and loving family, one that supported, nurtured, and loved me so much that I didn't have to do it myself.  I had no cares in the world, no "tough stuff" to deal with, nothing but a pure and innocent childhood.  My identity was my family, as is the case for most children until they develop their own, but even in my teenage years I remained abnormally close to my family and home most of the time.  I was happy and healthy but I had no sense of my own identity.  In the years when most teenagers begin to spread their wings and discover their own identity, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  My world changed in the blink of an eye and the only thing that mattered anymore was being with her and being there for her.  I didn't want to drink or go out and have fun the way most people my age did, and as my Mom's fight got harder and harder, I began to separate myself more and more from the outside world.  I lived in a hospital with her when I wasn't at school, and then when she was sent home and released into Hospice, all I did was attend school and help take care of her.  My life became all about one thing: helping my Mom get better.  I was determined to keep her spirits high, to help her regain strength through therapy, to get her to eat, and to pray with her for healing.  But despite my efforts, prayers and plans, God had a different plan and on October 7, 2003, my Mom passed away.  My life was shattered and I had no will to go on without her.  I buried myself in my grief, doing anything I could to feel close to her.  All I wanted was to hear her voice, to know what I should do every day from there on out.  I had always gone to her for advice, or to my other family members, and never took the time to find my own voice.  As I slowly moved on with my life, I picked up where my mother had left off, pushing myself to do anything I was afraid of.  I started to take steps in my own direction, but mostly because I knew it was what she would want.  I started living my life like a checklist without even realizing it, always pushing myself and trying to get to the "next destination."  But even as I was appearing to move on, I developed a comfortable residence in the past, where she was, and an unhealthy attachment to anything that reminded me of her or a time when I had her.  When I lost my dog, it was like losing her again.  When I had to get rid of my first car, I actually grieved over it.  When my sisters moved out and away, I felt like I was losing everything.  I began to see my life as one loss after another and I reacted overly-emotionally to each one.  Looking back, I think I was grieving the loss of what I thought was my identity.  We often mistake the people we love, jobs we do, and houses we live in as pieces of our identity, but they aren't and we must be careful not to mistake them as so.  Think about it.  When someone asks you "Who are you?" how do you respond?  Most of us answer with something like, "Well, I'm a writer" or "I'm a mother" or "I'm a passionate and happy person."  Whether or not these things are true, they are not who you are.  They are things you do or qualities you possess, but any of them could change in the blink of an eye.  Your family, home, and job could all be taken from you tomorrow, but guess what, you are still you!  We all have one true identity, the Self, and it remains no matter what worldly things come and go or how our lives change.  Losing my Mom was extremely hard and painful, as it should've been, but it shouldn't have felt like I lost myself with her, just like it shouldn't have felt that way every time I went through a breakup.  Yoga has taught me that.  Yoga was the first thing I did in my life that was completely and totally all about me, something I started only because I wanted to, and it was the one thing that led me to my Self, the Self that was always there behind the grief and fear and loneliness, the Self I simply hadn't discovered yet.

Day after day, as I showed up to myself in the mirrors at my studio, I slowly began to see and get to know my Self.  I began to see past my grief, baggage, fear, past all the searching and questions, and into my Self.  I was making time for myself, as often as possible, and that time was helping me find myself and my own inner voice.  That voice sounded like a whisper at the beginning but as my self-awareness grew, so did the volume of that voice.  I still question myself, don't get me wrong, and I still wish my Mom was here physically to help me navigate through life's ups and downs, but I am learning to trust myself more and more every day.  I was always in touch with my grief and honored my feelings and needs, but I made the death of my Mother my identity.  It changed my life, yes, as it should have, but I let it take over my life.  Her death became one of the first things I said when I introduced myself to someone, it became my motivation to want to work with cancer patients, and it became something I was more or less obsessed with.  I didn't just want to be like my Mom, I wanted to be my Mom. Looking back, I think the main reason my Mom's death seemed to take a heavier toll on me than my sisters, in this respect, was because I didn't yet know who I was without her.  I hadn't spread my wings yet, and when she died, I climbed back down off the ledge of our nest and buried myself where she once laid.  As I gradually stepped out, it was in an effort to find her presence in my life.  Yoga, however, was all about me finding my own presence.  I had been searching and searching for my identity for years and when I started practicing yoga, I realized my identity wasn't something I had to "figure out" or "find," it was something I simply needed to see.  As the layers of grief and fear unraveled, my true Self was revealed to me.  I found my Self and my own voice through the mirrors at Evolation yoga, and as I did, I was able to start living my life for me, not for my Mom.  I established my own voice, became more aware of my habits and thoughts, and have been learning, every day since I started practicing, how to take care of me and make decisions that are right for me.  In turn, I have become healthier, happier, more aware, and more in touch with myself than I have ever been.  And ironically enough, by finding my Self, the one true Self and Divinity that is in all of us, I found my connection to my mother.  I spent so many years desperately searching for her, and for me, outside of myself, when all I ever really needed to do was go inward.

The things that happen in this world can take a large toll on us.  They can leave us with fractured identities (or what we think is our identity in this world), baggage, guilt, grief, attachments, fears, questions, and insecurities.  They often leave us questioning who we are, what is most important, and what life is really all about.  It's easy to lose ourSELVES in today's fast-paced, materialistic world, which is why it's more important now than ever to take time for your Self.  Doing things that make you happy are great, but you will get much more out of doing things that center you, clear your mind, and allow you to feel, and build, a connection and relationship with yourself.  I consider the founders of Evolation Yoga, Mark Drost and Zefea Samson-Drost, to be my modern day "gurus."  They have, and continue to, teach me so much about myself and life in general.  A couple of weeks ago in class, Zefea ended class with a great quote about self-love.  She said, "Practicing yoga is like dating...yourself. You learn more about yourself each time you come to class, and you begin to love yourself for exactly who you are. Yoga is a life-long love affair. Practicing yoga is practicing self-love, and learning to accept and love every cell in your body."  I cannot tell you how true her words are.  After my Mom died, I was afraid to become attached to anyone else out of a fear of losing them, and yet again losing myself.  This fear led me to an even deeper attachment to the men I dated.  I was petrified of loss and therefore stayed in relationships I shouldn't have, and when they ultimately ended, I felt my Mother's loss all over again, which was really the loss of what I thought was my identity.  I was lacking in self-love because I didn't really know who I was without her.  As I started practicing yoga and getting to know myself, or "dating myself" as Zefea said, I began to learn how to truly love and take care of myself.  Now I am so much happier in my personal relationships because they are no longer dominated by a fear of loss, essentially the loss of myself.  I love myself first now, so that I can truly love others.  I take care of myself first, so that I can also take care of others.  I make myself happy first, instead of doing things to make others happy that will take a toll on my own happiness.  Practicing being present in class has taught me to practice living in the present moment every day, rather than constantly worrying about the future and dwelling on the past.  "You are not your past.  You are not your future.  You are YOU." I needed to learn that lesson more than anything.  I am learning to let go more and more every day, to stop trying to control things, and to just be.  I am growing in love every day, learning to trust myself more every day, and continuing to practice conscious living.  Yes, I slip back into my old thought patterns every now and again, but at least now I'm aware of it and know how to get back on track. 

Yoga has been the greatest gift.  It is the only thing that truly healed me and helped me get to know, and love, mySelf.  I now teach it for that very reason, to help others find themselves and heal themselves both inside and out.  Yoga has taught me that no matter what has happened or happens in our lives, we don't have to change the world or anyone else in it; we only have to change ourselves.  We seek happiness and perspective in so many worldly ways, but that will never work because we are not of this world.  You don't need a therapist or a new haircut or to move or spend a week away from home to "find" yourself, like I used to think.  As Bikram Yoga founder Bikram Choudhury says, "The longest distance any of us ever has to travel to self-realization is six inches.  Six inches lie between the mind and heart, between ego and Spirit, between fear and love.  Six inches is all that separates us from God.  It is the true path to Self-Realization."

Namaste.

When Life Gets Tough, Find The Lesson

Goodness gracious, what hasn't happened in my life in the past couple of weeks? My boyfriend's father and little brother were struck by a car while driving a motorcycle, which left both of them in intensive care on Father's Day. My boyfriend's father lost part of his leg, and his little brother's entire right leg was completely shattered. He got to keep his leg, thank God, but he now has rods and plates in his leg and will have multiple surgeries for the rest of his life. It is a miracle that their brains and nervous systems are okay, especially since my boyfriend's father's helmet ejected off immediately. When we got the phone call about the accident, life momentarily stopped. Nothing, and I mean nothing else mattered.

Moments like that are what life is all about. They are the backbone of who we are as individuals, and they come to define us all, and the way we live our lives, to different extents. It's great when life is good and happy, and we all love being happy, but it is the tough times and "bad" things that force us to grow, to change, to become stronger, and to remember what is most important in life. People are so scared of getting bad news, and I always have been too, but the bad things in life are what make us appreciate the good things so much more. The tough times force us to be stronger, to reevaluate how we have been living/acting, to slow down, and to accept how much we really do need other people. Life can be tough and it often makes us feel all alone in it, but we are never alone. I believe God is always with us, in us, and we all have family and friends that run to help. Quite often, bad things remind us how much other people care, and how much we really are loved. Most importantly, tough times and unfortunate circumstances remind us to be grateful for all the little things, for our health, for the family members and friends we do still have, for the ability to drive a car or workout, for the job we do have (however much we complain about it), and for the air in our lungs at this very moment. No matter how bad things are, there is always something to be grateful for.

Although my boyfriend's dad and little brother will spend the better part of their summer in a hospital bad, I am grateful that they are both still with us. I am grateful that for as terrible as the accident was, that it wasn't worse. I am grateful that their brains and spines are still in tact. I am grateful his little brother was able to keep his leg, and that his father was able to keep his knee. I am grateful that all the blood transfusions and surgeries went well. I am grateful that they will both recover and go on to lead full, happy lives. When my mom died of breast cancer, I was immediately overwhelmed by grief, loneliness, and fear. I was, however, also immediately grateful for the time I did get with my mom - 17 years. I knew that I would've rather had her for 17 years than any other mom for the rest of my life. Watching her battle with breast cancer and lose was the most difficult thing I have ever been through, but it has also made me so much more appreciative of the rest of my family, so much stronger, much more empathetic, and it also set my feet on a career path revolving around healing; healing from grief and other traumatic events, acceptance, forgiveness, self-love, and dealing with the tough stuff in life so it doesn't continue to hold us back for the rest of our lives. I believe this is what I was meant to do with my life, but I never would've discovered it if I wouldn't have lost my mom.  My mom's death gave me my story and helped me discover my life's purpose. It changed my life forever.

I know how hard life can be, trust me, but it could always be harder. When bad things happen, try to focus more on the good than the bad. There is always SOMETHING to be grateful for. Try not to let fear, anger, self-pity, revenge, or grief settle so far into your heart and mind that you forget the lesson. Bad things always happen to teach us something. There is nothing my mom's death hasn't taught me. Similarly, there is also so much my boyfriend's family tragedy has reminded me of. I was complaining about how much my feet hurt lately (I have two running injuries and possibly rheumatoid arthritis as well), but last time I went out for a run I thanked God I had two feet to run on. Painful or not, I am grateful to have my feet. And when my legs started burning on a hill, I thought of his father and chanted his name to help me push through. I am grateful that I can run at all. We never know what tomorrow holds. Our lives can change forever in the blink of an eye. But rather than living in anxiety and fear of this, let it motivate you to live each day to the fullest, to let people you love know how much they mean to you, to try hard not to take the simple things for granted, and to to always appreciate and enjoy every moment, good or bad, because you never know how many more you have.

People Who Do "Bad" Things Or Make It Hardest To Love Them Are Those That Need To Be Loved The Most!

Last night I watched Trust, a newer film starring Clive Owen, and it sparked a very deep and thought-provoking conversation with my boyfriend when it ended.  In the film, a 14-year-old girl befriends a man over the Internet and later meets up with him, discovering that he is actually in his thirties. He rapes her in a motel room and then never speaks to her again.  She is instantly shattered, as he led her to believe that he truly loved her.  She doesn't even acknowledge the fact that he raped her, having blocked it out since it was too painful.  She later acknowledges the fact that she was raped when an FBI agent matches the DNA sample from her rape kit to several other samples from young girls who were raped, and confronts feelings of guilt, stupidity, not being loveable, and not being pretty.  Despite several DNA matches, no one knows who the man is.  Clive Owen, the girl's father, tries to catch the man who raped his daughter himself, and wants nothing more than to beat the man up and then kill him.  The movie ends somewhat abruptly, with the FBI never having caught the man.  There was no happy ending, as I imagine there hardly ever is for rape victims and their families.  No text comes across the screen saying, "(Blank number of) rapes occur every year and (blank number of) cases go unsolved every year," like I expected from an abrupt ending.  The movie was very disturbing, which, to me, means it was very well done.  My boyfriend seemed particularly bothered by it, and after it ended, we talked about the film for quite a while.

My boyfriend hates when things happen to little kids in particular.  He had a rough childhood himself and was robbed of much of the innocence that usually surrounds small children, so movies like this disturb him more than most.  He wondered how anyone could do something like that, and why people who do such things are allowed to live.  And although I understood his question and his feelings, I felt the need to say a few things to him.  First of all, since my mom died from cancer when I was 16, I have been very in touch with all of my feelings surrounding her death.  I have expressed my feelings whenever I felt the need to and never tried to hide from them.  I never tried to pretend I was okay when I wasn't, nor did I hide my grief for the sake of upsetting anyone else.  I began to realize, more and more over the years, how important it is to deal with our feelings and emotions, especially those surrounding a traumatic event.  Without dealing with your feelings and working through them, how can you ever heal from them?  It is my opinion that everyone walking around doing bad things, whether it be stealing or raping or murdering or dealing drugs, are people who are acting out of a place of pain.  I'm not defending what these people are doing, don't get me wrong, but I'm choosing to look past the exterior actions to see what's really going on inside.  Think about it.  Someone who is raped as a child will most likely grow up feeling damaged, dirty, different, and unlovable.  Don't you think that someone who feels like that could easily fall into unhealthy relationships, drugs, or a career as a hooker, feeling as though they don't deserve any better?  Similarly, don't you think that a child who grows up with an alcoholic for a father and a drug addict for a mother will easily fall into the drug scene himself?  Or, even more likely, don't you think that child, if he doesn't express his feelings to a therapist or someone else (which he probably would not), don't you think he will harden himself to his own feelings of shame and being different from most kids?  Can't you see how a child like that could so easily grow up angry at the world, flunking out of school, and doing things to hurt other people because he is so hurt himself? 

Perhaps it is because I went through a painful loss myself and realize how easily it can make people angry or afraid of loss, etc., or maybe it's because I started a support group for grieving young adults and have listened to stories of how easily traumatic events can scar and hurt people long-term if they don't try to work through their feelings, but I truly believe that everyone who is doing things to hurt others are doing that because they have been hurt themselves.  I feel like people who steal probably started to steal because they felt they needed to, because they felt insecure or not good enough.  I believe that people who do drugs aren't "bad" people, but rather people who are trying to escape the pain and reality of their own lives.  I believe that people who sexually abuse animals or small children shouldn't be locked up or sentenced to death, but should be seriously psychoanalyzed and counseled to find out what in God's name happened to them to make them do such a thing.  People aren't just "bad."  I believe bad things happen to good people, and instead of trying to deal with them so that they can eventually heal, people start doing bad things as a result of the bad things that have happened to them.  I believe that it is all the people out there that seem so impossible to love that are the ones who need to be loved the most.

What do you think? 

I know how hard it is to work through grief.  I also know how easy it would've been to get mad at God, to separate myself from the world and everyone else "who just doesn't understand," and to live the rest of my life as a victim, constantly waiting for the next bad thing to happen.  When traumatic things happen to us, it's so much easier to hide from them than to deal with them.  But whatever you hold back holds you back.  If you try to avoid dealing with painful situations, you will never heal from them and you will become someone who does bad things, hurts other people, had a bad attitude, or constantly expects the worst out of life.  Trust me.  But if you are strong enough to accept that you need help dealing with something, and strong enough to let yourself feel what you need to feel, you will slowly begin to heal.  Whether you write about your feelings, seek out counseling, join a support group, or at least channel your negative energy into something positive, it is just important that you get them out rather than hold them in.  I truly believe that everyone out there doing "bad" things are simply people who haven't been loved enough, people who don't believe they can do things differently, and people who were never told that they deserve better.  So next time someone on the road beeps at you for no reason or flicks you off, the next time you see a woman in front of you in line at the grocery store yelling at the clerk for no reason, or the next time a co-worker or family member gives you attitude or says something rude or hurtful, smile at them.  Choose to see past it.  Don't look at the exterior, look at the interior.  Choose to love people more when they hurt you, dissappoint you, or act poorly.  Remember, when people are hurt, angry, or hard to love, that is exactly when they need to be loved the most. <3

Be Like A Child - Lessons From My Niece & Nephew

Sometimes I feel like a child.  I'm silly, giggly, immature at times, I whine like a child, pout like a child, and get stupid excited over little things like ice-cream, like a child.  Yet, most of the time I take life too seriously.  I overthink things, I focus too much on where I want to be instead of where I am, I get really emotional over goodbyes and changes and cards and deaths, I let fear and "practicality" limit me, and I worry too much.  I think most of us do.  But why?  We think children are naive, innocent, and immature, but are they?  And if they are, isn't that really how we're all supposed to be?  Kids don't take anything too seriously, they don't let fear control their decisions or hold them back from doing something they want to do, and they don't hold onto the past or fear the future.  Kids just see what is.  They enjoy where they are at any given moment, they don't put on a show for other people, they allow themselves to feel whatever they are feeling at that moment (be it hunger, frustration, saddness, tiredness, or excitement) and they express it.  They go after whatever they want, they eat as much as they want, they cry when they want, they smile when they want, they always want to try new things, and all they ever really want is to have fun.  It's simple, and it's the way life is supposed to be lived.

Kids don't try to be other people.  They don't look in the mirror and think, "Man, my thighs are rubbing each other below my diaper."  They don't care about makeup, fashion, losing weight, making a lot of money, or being more successful than so-and-so.  They don't compare themselves to other people, they don't rush through life constantly trying to make it to their next "destination," and they don't allow life's changes or unexpected setbacks to scar and limit them.  Kids take life as it comes, and that's a lesson we could all stand to learn from them.

I find myself worrying about my niece from time to time, wondering how her parents' recent split will effect her in the future.  I worry about her being tossed back and forth between two homes and what she thinks of it, if anything.  I wonder if it will effect her view on love and relatonships in the future.  I worry that she will think it was in some way her fault, or that she did something wrong, but I don't have to.  Everytime I look at her she reminds me to stop worrying about everything so much, to smile, to enjoy the moment, and to be happy.  She reminds me, when she waves at her favorite baby cousin pulling out of the driveway to fly back home and then immediately returns to excitedly running around the yard, that life is meant to be lived in the moment.  We can't see what life has in store tomorrow or in another year, who will leave us or break our heart, who will die, or what unwanted changes will come down the pipe.  All we can do is fully feel and be present in each moment.  We should enjoy where we are at any given moment fully, because we never know how long anything will be as it is now.  So many times we aren't present because we are thinking of other things, taking whatever we are doing or who we are with for granted, or worrying about something else instead of enjoying whatever we are doing at that moment.  How many times have you started complaining about a vacation ending and having to go back home before it actually ended?  I know I have, and I don't want to live like that anymore.  I don't want to look back and say, "Man, if I would've known that would've been my last summer with so-and-so or my last vacation in that beach house, I wouldn't have spent it crying about that guy who broke up with me or working 24-7 or worrying about what I was going to do at the end of the summer."  That is time wasted and time is a precious gift that will eventually run out.  Too often, we take time for granted.

From time to time I think about my niece's father and how close I always was with him.  I miss him.  I hate that he isn't in my life much anymore and I hate how much has changed.  However, Alexis (his daughter and my niece) makes me think, why do I hate it? It's different, yes, but that doesn't mean things can't be even better than they once were.  And even if they never get better, would I change anything I did?  Would I take back all the days I spent with my brother-in-law, all the hugs, all the jokes, all the phonecalls, all the good times?  No.  I wouldn't change those for the world.  Similarly, even if I would have known ahead of time the way my ex-boyfriend would unexpectedly leave me and break my heart, would I never have dated him to begin with?  No.  I would have.  I enjoyed my time with every guy I have dated so far.  I enjoyed my 17 years with my mother more than anything.  If I would've known ahead of time that I would lose her to cancer, would I have not gotten so close?  Would I have changed anything?  No.  What we had was perfect while we had it.  And that's exactly why we need to be more like children. We never know how long we're going to have anyone or anything.  We think we're grown up and more mature than kids, and that we known how rough and tough life can be, but does that make us make "smarter" decisions, or just "safer" ones?  We think we're being smart, safe, and protecting ourselves when we choose not to go skydiving or rockclimbing, not to give up our great-paying job for one that really makes us happy, and not to put ourselves our there and fall in love again, but is that smart?  No, it's just "safer."  It's what we've learned to do as a result of past failures, losses, dissappointments, and heartaches.  But just like children, we should get right back in the game, every single time, instead of giving up, closing ourselves off, and living as a victim of our own pasts.  Like children, we need to let go of the past, not worry about the future, and simply live in the moment.  Easier said than done?  Certainly.  But I've come to realize, over the past 10 years, that it really is the only way to live fully.

I was crying when I waved goodbye to my sister and nephew as they left for the airport and walked back up the driveway with Alexis.  I was amazed that my niece, who had followed "Baby Jake" around every minute of every day that he had been here, was not.  I was so proud of her for having enjoyed every moment she did with her aunt and cousin, and now choosing to let them go and enjoy her time with me and my boyfriend.  Just a few days ago, she flew to Florida with her father.  I am so proud of her for that.  At three years old, she left her mommy for a whole week.  When I was 15 I was petrified to leave my mom and cried the first hour of the carride to Consecon, Canada, with my best friend and her family.  As far as I know, Alexis hasn't cried yet.  She's making friends with the kids at the pool, having fun with her father and his side of the family, and is fully enjoying every moment she has on her vacation - not wasting it thinking of Buffalo, missing everyone here, and wallowing that her trip will end before it even has.  She is simply being fully present and enjoying the only gift she has for sure at any given moment - THE PRESENT. <3

Alexis, thank you for reminding Aunt Kimmi to stop looking back, feeling sad over all that was and no longer is.  Thank you for reminding me to enjoy what I have right now, because that's the only thing that matters.  Thank you for reminding me how important it is to adapt, to let go of the past, and to not worry about the future.  Thank you for making me smile all the time, and for reminding me how simple life really is.  (Adults just like to complicate everything.)  Thank you for reminding me not to take life too seriously, and that the most important thing in this world is found, and felt, in the little moments.  The biggest gifts always come in the smallest packages, and you, my precious niece, are certainly a little package. :-) Thank you for being so carefree, so happy, and so smiley all the time, no matter what happens.  In that way, and in so many others, you remind me of your Grandma Carolyn.  Thank you for reminding me that no matter how life changes, we'll always have the one thing that matters most and the one thing that can never die - LOVE.

Jacob, thank you for reminding Aunt Kimmi how to be fearless. When I watch you climb from the floor onto the toilet seat, up the back of the toilet, and then attempt to get up onto the shelf in the bathroom without even a flinch or ever looking down, you remind me that we should all be so ambitious when it comes to getting what we want.  You don't let fear control your decisions and neither should we.  When I watch you attempt to "Kramer" your way down a flight of stairs, you remind me to step out in faith more in my life, before I see the next step.  The staircare appears after we take a step, not before.  Whoever said, "Look before you leap" was wrong.  We aren't supposed to look, we aren't supposed to be "safe," we aren't supposed to live in our comfort zones, and we aren't supposed to limit ourselves with fear.  You are 100% fearless, and you inspire me to live my life the same way whenever I see you.  You amaze me. 

You two are the best things that have happened to me in a long time and you will never know how much I love you.  I fully understood, when you each came into my life, that I would be responsible for teaching you so many things.  What I didn't know, was how much you would both teach me so early on.  You remind me that we are all teachers and we are all students, just like in the yoga studio.  We learn from each other and every experience in our lives every day, and it is often the people we least expect to teach us that wind up teaching us the most. <3

Thank You, Mom

Today is Mother's Day and it is the best one I have had since my mother died.  Last year was the first year I felt happy on this day and not quite so sad.  I had recently changed my attitude on everything in life and decided to celebrate my mother's life for the first time on Mother's Day instead of crying over her death.  I visited her gravesite feeling lighter and happier than usual, drove to work singing my favorite songs with my sunroof open and sunshine streaming into my car, and then pranced into work, truly excited to make so many mothers' Mother's Day's special.  I was happy to be surrounded by mothers and families with their moms instead of sad.  It was the best and happiest I had ever felt on Mother's Day...until this year.

Just last week I was pleasantly surprised to find out my sister and nephew would be flying in from Georgia for the weekend.  I don't remember the last time we were all together on Mother's Day, but it definitely hasn't been since both of my sisters became mothers themselves.  I was very excited upon hearing the news and knew that this would be one of the nicest and happiest Mother's Days yet, but I honestly had no idea it would be this nice.  Family was a huge part of why today has been so special, as was the nice weather and the presence of the most loving boyfriend I have had yet, but the biggest thing that made me happy today was actually spending time with my mom.  Over the past year, particularly as a result of my journey deeper into the world of yoga and teaching yoga, I have learned a great deal about letting go, trusting, believing in something before it can be seen, and meditation, the last of which is what made this Mother's Day so sincerely special.

This morning, after running to the store to grab a few last minute things for my sisters and grandmother, I sat down on the frontporch with nothing besides my self and a cup of coffee.  I looked at the hopscotch game drawn with chalk for Alexis and Jacob, and memories of my own childhood came flying back.  As I looked around the porch, driveway, and yard, snapshots of precious moments with my mom flashed through my mind.  I saw her watching us ride our bikes around the driveway, waiting for us to get off the school bus, asking us about our day over after-school snacks, climbing the tree, playing lacrosse with me, packing up our trailer for Cape Cod each summer, and loading us into the astrovan to take us to school, games, church, grocery shopping, and over to our friends' houses.  I looked at the flowers and plants she planted, most of which are still here, almost nine years later.  I looked up at the bright blue sky and felt the sun dance over my skin.  My smile grew as I allowed countless happy memories sink into my soul with the sun.  I then closed my eyes and shifted my focus inward.  I turned my mind off, and by not actively thinking of my mother and her memory, I allowed her to actually enter my mind.  I felt her, I saw her, I listened to her talk to me, and she hugged me in the middle of an island of blue hydrangeas (her favorite flower).  I turned my mind off and tuned my mom in.  For the first time since she died, I truly felt like I was spending time with her.  I felt peaceful, joyful, and loved.  I felt as though I had never lost her.  I was reunited with her in my mind, and in my heart, and I realized that it could've always been this easy.  And at the end of our conversation, I heard her say to me: "I am always right here.  I am always in you, and with you - always."  And I kept hearing the words "Thank you."  I was left with no words to say to her besides "thank you."  "Thank you for wiping every tear, enhancing every smile, guiding every step, listening to every complaint and fear, tending to every bruise, encouraging every idea, telling me every Maryanne & Suzie story, and singing me every bedtime song.  Thank you for showing me the closest thing to God's love that I have ever found on this Earth.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally.  Thank you for my life.  Thank you for everything.  Thank you.  And then I heard her say, "Thank you."  "Thank you for making me the happiest mother in the whole world.  Thank you for making my life complete.  Thank you for all the love, laughter, and precious memories.  Thank you for giving my life meaning, the most meaning it could ever have.  Thank you for showing me what is most important in life.  Thank you for making my life complete.  Thank you, and your sisters, for being the reason I died happy."  Tears welled up in my eyes as I saw her look me in the eyes and felt her love pour into me.  I felt loved, held, cared for, and all warm and fuzzy inside, the kind of warm and fuzzy that only a mother can provide.  And as I sat there on my front porch, with my legs crossed and eyes closed in front of the house I grew up in, I realized how right Bikram Choudhury (the founder of Bikram Yoga) really was when he said, "The longest distance any of us ever has to travel to reach Self-Realization is six inches.  Six inches lies between mind and heart, between ego and Spirit, between fear and love.  Six inches is all that separates us from God."  God is in me and in all of us.  Spirit is in my mom and me and in all of us, and it connects all of us.  There is no death - there is only life.  There is only Spirit and Spirit does not die.  During my yoga training I studied scripture that says we are all Spiritual beings having a human experience here on Earth.  If that's true, which I believe it is, then why should I grieve over the loss of my mother's human body?  I only miss it because it was all I knew.  But when I close my eye, clear my mind, and enter into Stillness, I connect with Spirit - both mine and hers.  I connect with all that is, all that was, and all that will ever be.  I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner.  All that has ever separated myself from my mom over the past eight years has been my own mind.  Six inches lies between my mind and my heart.  Six inches is the furthest distance I will ever have to travel.  Today, I walked the path from my mind to my heart and I cannot tell you how glad I am.  My heart is happy and for the first time since her death, I felt like I truly "spent time" with my mom.  This Mother's Day, I realized not only that my mom is still here, but that she never really left.

As a sidenote, this year was also very special because it was the first one I spent with my boyfriend Shawn.  Shawn lost his mom when he was two years old, and as a result, we share a very special bond.  I have always been very in touch with my mother's death, and I love talking to Shawn about his mom too.  He doesn't have much to say, or many memories, since he was so little when she died, but he has told me that he has a few pictures.  I have asked about the pictures a few times but never saw any...until today.  Today, Shawn spent a couple of precious hours with me before he had to go into work.  He visited my mother's grave with me, sat next to the creek near my house where my mom used to take my sisters and I to play, and then sat on my backporch and shared an album of family pictures with me.  As I flipped through one photo after another of his beautiful mother, I realized that despite how different our lives have been and despite the differences between our mothers and the times at which we lost them, there really isn't any difference at all.  A mother's love is always a mothers love, and no matter what, it is all-encompassing.  He may not have had his mother in his life nearly as long as I did, but he still had all of her love for the two years that he did.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I saw pictures of such a happy baby and such a happy mother.  My heart has ached for Shawn ever since I met him, for all the years he didn't have with her, all the missing "I love you's," bedtime stories, lullabies, hugs and kisses, smiles, encouragement, guidance, and unending love.  But today, I realized that he had it all too, he just had it for a shorter amount of time than I did.  And in that moment, not only did I feel happiness for him that he had so much motherly love surrounding him in his formative first two years, I realized yet again how blessed I was to have my mother for 17.  I used to think 17 years was nothing compared to what I should've had her here for, but I always knew how blessed I was to have her for the 17 that I did.  Now, thanks to Shawn, I realize just how long 17 years really was.  I am grateful for the two years Shawn felt so much love from his mother, and I am grateful for the 17 I had.  We are very blessed for all we had and all we still have.  Our mothers are not gone, not unless we think they are.  They are in us, they are with us, and their love has formed us.  Their love brough us together, and now we share such a special and strong love, thanks to them.  As we sat there, cuddling with that precious book of photos on my backporch, I felt such strong emotion for Shawn, and so much gratitude for both his mother and mine.  What a special Mother's Day it had already been.

So, here's to you Mom, and here's to you Mrs. Muraco.  Here's to all the moms that have gone before,  to all those still here, and to all those yet-to-be-moms.  Thank you for being our first and strongest examples of true love.  Thank you for being the closest thing to God's love that we can find here on Earth.  Thank you for being God to us, and helping us to see the God in us.  We could never express our gratitude in a way that would accurately convey it, but we'll keep trying anyways.  Today, and every day, we love you.  <3 Happy Mother's Day! <3

You Don't Get The Rainbow Without The Storm

There are so many things that can happen to us in this life, some great and some not-so-great, and at some point we all come to the realization that we can't control any of it.  You can't control what happens to you, only how you react to it.  Perhaps you will lose your job tomorrow, get into a car accident, find out a loved one is sick, suffer a financial setback, or simply have a "bad" day.  Did you ever think, though, that perhaps it happened for a very good reason?  Looking back, aren't there times in your life when something bad happened and at the time you simply couldn't possibly see anything good coming from it, any light at the end of the tunnel, or any truth in empathetic words such as "Everything happens for a reason"?  I know I've had times like that, many of them.  And do you want to know what?  I have learned something invaluable from all of them, become a stronger and better person for all of them, and gotten to a sunnier, happier place in the end.

So why do we have such a hard time trusting, at that time that something "bad" is happening to us, that it's leading us to something better?  Why can't we trust in the lesson, in the process, in our process.  Everything in this life truly does happen for a reason.  Perhaps you're running late to a meeting and because of being late, you avoid what would've been a terrible car accident.  Maybe someone breaks up with you and breaks your heart, and a few months later you meet the person you are truly meant to be with, someone who makes you so much happier.  Or maybe, like best-selling author Tama Kieves, you decide to opt out of an important meeting with some editors one day because your inner voice is nagging you to take a walk in the park.  (Random, right?)  And all because you chose to listen to it, you meet and strike up a conversation with a woman in the park who just happens to be a big-time editor at the magazine you've been dying to write for and she wants to meet with you soon to discuss future job possibilities!  The best things in life often come after some of the worst, kind of like the rainbow that follows a rainstorm.  Trust.  Trust that no matter what you're going through or what terrible thing just happened, that it happened for a very good reason.  Trust that it will bring the best of you to the surface and that it will ultimately lead you to a better place.  You can't see it now and you won't be able to connect the dots until later, but trust that at some point in the future, they will connect.  In a few weeks or maybe even in a few years, you will be able to look back and say, "Wow, if I never would've lost my job unexpectedly, I never would've gotten this one!"  Or, "If I never would've lost my mom, I never would've started a support group to help grieving young adults and I never would've realized how good I am at listening to people talk about their grief and helping them work through it."  I can't tell you when the storm will pass or where you will find yourself when it does, but I can tell you that the best thing to do is trust that everything is happening exactly as it's supposed to and that your life and your process is unfolding exactly how it is meant to.  Expect the best and trust.

I know how hard it is to get through tough things like a cancer diagnosis, job loss, personal failure, and a breakup, but remember that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.  Feel what you're feeling and honor those feelings, but don't allow them to take over.  As my mom always said, "When things go bad, don't go with them."  Trust me, I know how hard it is to do that, but trust in yourself and believe that you can hang in there,  be positive, and wait patiently for the rainbow.  Why?  Because you can.

P.S.  Don't forget to not stare at the door that has closed for too long, because if you do, you might miss the new one that is opening....

Control Your Mind, Control Your Life!

The thing I love most about yoga is that it is an exercise for my mind, not just my body.  In fact, Bikram Choudhury, the founder of Bikram Yoga, insists that the amazing physical results regular practicioners see is just an added perk.  It is the connection that yoga builds between our bodies and our minds that is so much more valuable.  In fact, it is everything.

Most people workout to clear their heads, yet how many people do you see at the gym on their cellphones, texting or talking, listening to music, or reading magazines?  Sure, working out releases endorphins and makes us feel better about ourselves, but it doesn't force us to still our minds.  It's funny how quick we are to say that we need to work out to "clear our head," yet we are often just as overly-stimulated as we are throughout the rest of the day.  Cellphones have made it virtually impossible to find quiet and stillness anywhere we go, and thoughts such as how many calories we are burning, how that equates to what we ate today, how much longer we're going to work out, who that guy is on the treadmill next to us, and what we're going to do after the gym are running through our minds nonstop.  We are anything but present in the moment, as usual.  In the complete silence and stillness of a yoga room, however, as you focus your eyes on your own eyes in the mirror, it is much easier to leave the outside world and all your thoughts and to-do lists behind.  In the studio, it is just you and your yoga practice.  The class is considered a 90 (or 60) minute moving meditation.  Most first-time practicioners come only to work their bodies in a new way, just as I did, but it doesn't take long before most begin to crave the quiet space and sense of Self that is found in it.  It is amazing to watch your body become more flexible much quicker than you thought, but it is even more amazing to begin to understand that it is only your mind that limits you, both in the studio and outside of it.

In our daily lives, we constantly tell ourselves "I could never do that," "I'm not skinny enough to wear that," "I would be too scared to do something like that," "Well I have kids so I can't do something like that" or "I don't have the money to do that."  We limit ourselves all the time with our thoughts.  We tell ourselves that something isn't so, failing to realize that because we believe it isn't so, therefore it isn't!  A couple of years ago I heard a quote that said "It is our thoughts that create our reality."  In the yoga room, I began to realize how much that is true.  Balancing on one leg as you kick the other back and up toward the ceiling while bringing your upper body down toward the floor and stretching your fingertips as far forward as possible is not possible if you think it's not.  It's also not possible if you're thinking of other things.  The postures in Bikram's method are not held long compared to running a mile or weightlifting for 45 minutes, but they require 100% of your strength, determination, willpower, breath, and consciousness.  You must be fully present in each moment to hear the instructions being given by the teacher, to move at the same time as you are told to do so, to perform the posture correctly, and to give it everything you've got.  In this way, yoga is simply a tool that is used to create a connection between the mind and body.  As Bikram says, "Without control of the mind, you can do nothing. . . . The greatest challenge we face as human beings is controlling and properly using our minds."  In his book, the founder insists that in time, regular practicioners will become distraction-proof, emotion-proof, mood-proof, attitude-proof yogis because they have entered into a cosmic consciousness.  By setting your intention at the beginning of class to be fully conscious and fully present for the entirety of the class, you allow yourself to utilize all your strength and willpower, as well as to overcome your mind.  By being fully conscious and present in the moment, you will begin to see that all of your power is in THIS moment, and that at any given moment you can change your life . . . You just have to be there.

Now this whole being fully-present thing isn't a one-time deal.  You don't walk into the classroom, clear your mind, and have it stay clear for the entire 60 or 90 minutes.  Perhaps some avid yogis and gurus have gotten to this point, but I can assure you that I and most people have to pull their minds back in and let go of the thoughts that cross them several times throughout the class, particularly in Savasana.  It isn't about controlling your mind 100 percent; it's about being aware of your thoughts and the power that they carry.  Once you become aware of your mind and the way it works, you can begin to exercise control over it.  Yoga will help you with this more than you could possibly imagine.  As teachers we constantly tell our students to look back (or forward), reminding them that their bodies will follow their eyes.  You must see something happening and expect it to happen before it actually does.  Then it will!  It's "The Secret" of the Universe and the secret of yoga.  We must learn to be determined in our minds so that we can reclaim control of our lives.  We must be determined to push harder and push ourselves further than we think we can.  It is only then, and at that edge, that we begin to see our own limitlessness.  More than anything, that is the one thing yoga has helped me do - not only inside the room, but also outside of it.

Bikram says that you must "kill yourself in class, push past shaking and pain and the desire to give up, because when you do that, you will kill your false, lowercase self and overcome the slavery of your mind."  In the yoga room, you will realize, one class at a time, that the only thing that has ever held you back is your own mind.  People get brainwashed into expecting very little of themselves.  Make the decision to break free of the bonds that have held you back from achieving your true potential.  Expect more.  You can do so much more than you think you can.  Everything is attainable through hard word.  Work hard in the room but be patient with yourself and your body, and as you do, one class at a time, you will begin to see yourself doing so much more than you thought you could.  Then, after realizing how much more you can do inside of the studio than you thought, you will begin to realize how much more you are capable of doing outside of it as well.   I guarantee it!

Choose your thoughts wisely friends, for they create your reality.   Namaste.

Stop Taking Care Of Everyone & Everything Else...Start Taking Care Of You!

Have you ever realized how much easier it is to take care of everyone besides yourself, or how much easier it is to spend one day after another doing something you don't love than taking time to discover what it is you love and what it is you were put here to do?  Over the past year I have truly realized just how important it is to make time for myself and to stop putting everybody and everything else first.  When I get stressed, overwhelmed, unsure of what I'm doing or where I'm going, scared, mad at myself for not doing the things I want to, or feel unbalanced, constantly fatigued, and just generally not as happy as I usually am, I always wind up realizing that I haven't been taking enough time for myself. 

I grew up in a family of caregivers, women who take care of everyone else, and their homes, before themselves.  Sounds great, right?  Yes, there are plenty of amazing selfless mothers in my family, that's for sure, but there are also plenty of women who aren't happy with their bodies, who are stressed to the max because they are constantly overextending themselves, who aren't following their hearts, who don't know how to listen to their own inner voices because they're too busy putting everybody else's first, women who feel genuinely bad about doing things for themselves no matter how much they do for others, who can't sleep if there are dishes in the sink or clothes that still need to be folded, who tend to be control freaks and always do everything themselves instead of ever letting anyone help them, who don't take regular time to do something they love like join a book club or take fitness classes, and women who give so much to others that they often feel empty, unappreciated, frustrated, tired, and stressed.  Suddenly doesn't sound so good anymore, does it?  And how is anyone supposed to truly make their husband or child happy if they aren't happy with themselves?  How is any marriage supposed to hold up when the two people in it have lost touch with themselves, and put a child before their marriage and each other in front of themselves?  Somewhere along the line, particularly in my family, we misunderstood the concept that truly loving someone means putting them in front of yourself.  I think that that is more the exception than the rule.  I think that when it comes down to it, you should give up your fitness class after work to rush home to your sick husband, or that you might forgo that day at the spa to afford something your husband has been wanting for months, but I also think that you are supposed to make decisions like this from time to time when you love someone, not all day, every day.  About a year ago, I abruptly realized that I was following right along in the tracks of the majority of the women in this family.  I was making major decisions for men, constantly changing my plans to be with them or do things for them, taking care of them as much as possible, and giving up things I wanted for them more often than not.  It wasn't until I wound up dumped, with no furniture, no money, no plan, and a broken heart in middle of a city I didn't want to be in anymore just two months after I moved for a guy that I realized how badly I needed to change. I realized that most women who put others first are women who don't know how to put themselves first, women who have been wounded in some way, and women who are loving others because it's easier to do that than to truly love themselves.  I realized how true it is that the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself, as well as how much more of my time and attention that relationship needed...

Have I worked on my relationship with myself?  Yes.  Lots.  Am I "done"?  No.  I may never be.  Just like happiness, trust, self-love, and a marriage, it is something I think I'll be working on the rest of my life.  We all will.  The most important thing, however, is taking the first step.  If you are like me, constantly putting cleaning, laundry, bills, and a never-ending daily to-do list in front of that thing you've always wanted to do, like writing or taking a ballet class, getting back into shape, or perhaps the thing you don't want to do but know you need to, like seeking out a counselor to help you work through that unresolved grief,  traumatic life event, or dangerous habit, or leaving your job to find the one you really want, how are you ever supposed to be happy?  I often get frustrated that I'm not writing, not blogging, nor working on my novel or sending articles to magazines, not sitting around local coffee shops anymore with my laptop and a book, but it's no one's fault but my own.  It isn't my boyfriend's fault and maybe you need to realize that it's not your husband's or kids' fault - it's yours.  Accept responsibility for your actions.  There will always be other people to blame, a lack of money, a job, a lack of time, or whatever excuse you choose to use, but accept that that's exactly what it is: an excuse.  If you see something about yourself that needes to change, DO IT!  More than anything else, my yoga practice has taught me self-awareness.  Awareness is everything.  When I'm doing the dishes and cleaning nonstop or laying on my couch doing absolutely nothing, I realize that I'm doing it to distract myself.  I'm putting stupid things in front of what I really want to do.  Why?  I don't always know.  Maybe it's a bad habit, maybe it's easier, maybe it's just what I know, or maybe it's because the unknown in scary.  Maybe it's because I was raised to be a caregiver, but what about taking care of myself? 

My mom was the most amazing mother I could've ever asked for and shortly after she died, my counselor asked me to name a few things I think my mother could've done better.  I couldn't think of any.  Only over the past few years have I begun to realize, particularly from watching my sisters do the same thing, that she could've, and should've, taken more time for herself.  She should've gone out with my dad more, just the two of them.  She should've gone to the spa here and there, taken a weekend getaway with her girlfriends once a year, flown to see her mother in Tampa on her own once or twice, and maybe she should've not waited to go back to school for what she really wanted to do until my sisters and I were all grown up.  The only things she ever did for herself were religious things.  She was a very happy person but I think she was so busy taking care of my sisters and my dad that she wasn't doing enough for herself and didn't stand up for herself the way she should've sometimes.  Sometime you have to make waves in a marriage or with friends or with your boss to get what you want.  Sometimes you have to hurt somebodies feelings or feel "selfish" to do what you want.  You only get one life, and if you spend it making everybody else happy besides yourself, would you be happy with that?  I wouldn't.  If you don't put yourself first, no one else will.  If you don't put down the laundry or walk away from the sink sometimes, you'll clean your life away.  Stop making it so easy for other people to get what they want while you don't get anything you want, stop putting all the little things in front of the things that really matter, and stop making it so easy for yourself to do everything besides what it is you really want.  The only one you're cheating is you.

It's scary going after things you want.  It's harder to do the thing that's right for you but maybe isn't for your marriage or your boyfriend or your roomate.  But if you don't do what's right for you, who will?  If you don't chase your dreams and spend time figuring out what it is you were put here to do, who will?  If Thomas Edison wouldn't have put his ideas and experiments first, we wouldn't have the lightbulb.  If the Wright Brothers wouldn't have taken the time to experiment and build the first airplane, you wouldn't be able to take vacations and travel to see friends and family like you do.  Imagine if Steve Jobs would've said, "Nah, that's a stupid idea.  I'll just stick to working on my house," instead of inventing iTunes, the iPod, the iPad, and the iPhone.  He literally changed the face of modern technology, and to do that he not only made time for himself, but he believed in himself and his ideas when no one else did.  When giving a speech about inventing the iPhone, Jobs said, "It comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don't get on the wrong track or try to do too much.  We're always thinking about new markets we could enter, but it's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important."   When we try to do too much, we wind up doing nothing well, or nothing at all.  We have to learn to say no, as hard as it may be in the beginning, to people and things that drain our energy and time so that we can focus our energy on our lives, our happiness, our dreams, and what our own inner voice is telling us to do.  Learn to say no.  The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes.  It is very easy to say yes.

Tonight, I'm going to let those dishes sink there.  I'm going to start saying no the voice that would have me clean my life, work my life away, and wish my life away.  Tomorrow, I'm going to start my day with yoga, walk to the lake to pick myself some fresh flowers for my apartment, make myself a yummy breakfast, and then spend my day writing - the thing I always want to do but never do.  Tomorrow is another day, another chance, another gift, another opportunity to find time for you and do whatever it is you want.  What will you do with it?

Returning To You, Returning To Me

Hello, dear readers.  I apologize for my absence, much moreso than you know, as whenever I don't write for an extended period of time it begins to take a significant toll on my mental and emotional state.  Just as when I forget to find time to relax or do something for myself, when I "forget" to write because I'm just too busy with my never-ending life to-do list, I feel overwhelmed, stressed out, empty, unfulfilled, fatigued, and disconnected.  So I've made a decision: No more placing everything else in front of my writing and in front of myself.  Life is too short to let life get in the way of what we truly want, right?

Over the past couple of months so much has happened!  I decided to become a yoga instructor and worked my butt off to be able to afford taking a two-and-a-half-week trip to Santa Barbara, California, for the immersion part of my training.  I met a great group of people very similar to myself, people with whom I not only practiced yoga and the extensive class dialogue with, but also practiced becoming the best version of myself and getting out of  my own way long enough to discover my own limitless potential.  The training was exhausting physically and mentally, amazing, frustrating, gratifying, eye-opening, and life-changing, and I flew home from it n bad need of rest but having to work non-stop to make up for my time away.  I have been playing catch-up ever since my trip, in addition to continuing to memorize the rest of the dialogue on my own in preparation for my first mock class as a teacher.  I had my mock class last week and now I begin teaching this week!  Hooray!  However, as per usual for me, I have spent the last week feeling down and out, frustrated, unmotivated, and mad at myself for "doing nothing with my life."  Like most overachievers, I have spent the majority of my life focusing on the next step, not the one currently under my feet that I worked so hard to get to, and that's the best way to miss your own life.  I work so hard to get somewhere and then feel as though I am already supposed to be past where I am.  I expect so much of myself that nothing is ever good enough, and I'm so used to self-criticism that if I ever tried to pat my own back I'd have to turn around to see who it was!  I suffocate my own potential under piles of self-judgement, self-doubt, a fear of failure, and a clock that is always tick-tick-ticking.  There is no room leftover for creativity, peace, self-trust, assurance, and the faith that everything is unfolding exactly how and when it is supposed to.  I have to stop the cycle, my own vicious cycle, of self-sabotage and self-criticism.  The Bible tells us that where there is fear, love cannot abide.  Similarly, where there is self-doubt, self-trust cannot abide.  I need to TRUST that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my life's path, that the events and relationships in my life are unfolding exactly as they are meant to, that there never have been and never will be any mistakes (just lessons and redirections), and that I will choose the path that is right for me whenever the one I am currently on abruptly stops and leaves me with no other choice but to abandon the old one and begin walking a new one.

I have spent my entire life questioning everything that happens, everything that might happen, everything that hasn't yet happened, and everything that will never happen.  I have questioned myself and my own decisions relentlessly, to the point that running a marathon would feel like a day at the spa compared to being in my own head!  Unfortunately, all that questioning doesn't show logic or wisdom, it shows a complete lack of trust in myself and the grand plan for my life.  I have watched several things unfold in my life so magically over the past year and turn out so much better than I ever could've imagined, yet I still feel the need to question and worry and wonder.  Why?  I grew up thinking that controlling as much as possible would get me what I wanted, but only in the past year have I realized that letting go is what gets me everything I didn't even know I wanted and so much more than I could've hoped for!

Life is full of unexpected bumps in the road, a never-ending to-do list, bills that come as quickly as each new day, and non-stop decisions that we over-dramatize and blow up into a matter or life or death, but none of those things matter if you trust in yourself and your own ability to handle them the best you can!  If you trust that no matter what you choose to do at any moment, your life is still going to turn out exactly as it's supposed to, you don't have to WASTE time stressing and worrying about every little thing.  "Overanalysis leads to paralysis."  Don't get so caught up in analyzing every possible move and every one of its possible effects on your life that you make no move whatsoever.  "Instead of getting stuck in the unending cycle of indecision and procrastination, get some perspective and start taking action. Begin focusing your attention on progress, not perfection, otherwise you will self-sabotage your efforts."  I have been a perfectionist my whole life, as well as a major over-analyzer and my own worst critic, and that is lethal to creativity, growth, and self-exploration.  It's time to exercise some loving patience with myself.  I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now, and if I stop beating myself up for all I'm NOT doing, I'll have so much more energy and love to focus on what I AM doing.

So tonight, dear readers, I send all of you a little more self-patience, self-acceptance, and a whole lot of self-trust.  Everything is unfolding exactly as intended... <3

Challenge Your Self To Step Out Onto The Ledge. It Is Only There That You Will Come To Your Edge, And Only At Your Edge Will You Find Your Balance

Today was the last day of my 30-day challenge, which means that I successfully completed 30 Bikram yoga classes in 30 days.  I decided to take on this challenge to prove something to myself, to prove that I could do something I didn't know I could, to try something new, and to challenge myself physically and mentally.  Today, as I sat cross-legged at the beginning of my final class, I looked at myself and realized that the most important thing this challenge taught me was something I least expected: balance.

Looking back, I think I've been trying to strike a balance in my life ever since my mom passed.  I tried balancing my past with my present, moving on but still holding onto her, making new memories but treasuring and reliving the old ones, getting into relationships but struggling to keep doing the things that make me ME, working so hard at school and work but also trying to have some fun, being a sweet, responsible girl but also letting loose a little, working out but also trying to relax a bit here and there (I haven't always been very successful at the latter), being smart with my money but also doing things I want here and there because life is too short not to, and eating healthy but allowing myself to splurge occasionally.  In reality, I think we're all just trying to find a balance.  In reality, life is all about balance.  Too much of anything isn't good; even healthy things like working out, because without down-time or days off your body can't recover and grow stronger.  Being with the love of your life is definitely a good thing, but spending every waking moment together isn't and will create resentment, frustration, a lack of self, and therefore a lack of happiness.  Putting in long hours at work to get that promotion is great, but working too much for too long won't make you happy and it will probably destroy your life outside of the office.  Loving your child/children more than anything and making them your world is great, but forgetting to take care of yourself and do things that make you happy will make you unhappy and possibly even resentful of your child, and forgetting to take care of and enjoy the marriage that existed before the child will ruin it.  Too much of anything ruins it, even good things.  I have struggled to find a balance for years in terms of my weight, to not be obsessive about counting calories and working out all the time, and also to not get frustrated and just eat as much as I want or to eat for the wrong reason - because I'm emotional, bored, etc.  Balance.  In my relationships with men, I have not yet successfully found a balance - until now.  Everytime I got into a relationship with someone in the past, I wound up wanting to be with them all the time.  I put that person in front of my friends and often my family, in front of doing things I loved liked writing, and ultimately, before myself.  I didn't know how to balance all the things that were important to me, and I suppose I didn't yet realize that making someone else my world was nothing more than a reflection of my own insecurity.  I didn't know how to put myself first, I didn't love myself enough to make taking care of me most important, and I was too racked with the fear of  what would happen to my relationship if I did what I really wanted, like go away to school or move where there were more magazines.  Getting off-track in relationships became my claim to fame, and I have to admit I even moved home from Georgia (my favorite state) twice, for two different guys.  Yes, I know, stupid.  But I learned a lot from it both times, I home come to find that both moves happened for very important reasons, and as a result of making bad decisions for myself to make someone else happy, I realized that I will never be truly happy with anyone if I don't make myself happy first.  And making myself happy is something only I can do.  Other people can contribute to my happiness, yes, but if I'm not doing things to make myself happy, no one else will ever be able to.  After a history of making bad decisions for myself when I'm in a relationship and then making great ones when I'm not, however, I developed a thought-process that I'm better off single.  For about a year now I've been single, refocusing on myself, growing in self-awareness and self-love (as cheesy as that sounds), relaxing more, trusting more, and learning how to let myself flow in the direction my life has been pointed.  This past year has been the most amazing year for me, full of life-changing experiences, opportunities, self-exploration, and a happiness that overflows nearly every day.  In this past year I started to finally truly heal from my mother's death, traveled to Vancouver, B.C., for a writing retreat that changed my life and brought me home a totally new and inspired person, I left my full-time job to focus on writing my book, I moved into a beautiful new apartment that has a fabulous writing room with a great roomate, I got back into yoga, decided to become a yoga instructor, and am about to leave for a 14-day immersion training in Santa Barbara, CA, I held the first meeting for my "Feel, Deal & Heal" support group for teens and twenty-something's that have lost a parent, and I started hanging out with someone who I share a very special bond with, someone who reminds me how amazing I am every day and does things to show me that, and someone who continues to teach me how to be the best version of me everyday.  Quite the year, huh?  But in doing all of those things, I still hadn't found a way to balance it all effectively and successfully until the past 30 days.

As I looked at myself in the mirror today, sitting tall and proud, I realized that this past 30 days showed me not just how much stronger I am - both mentally and physically - than I thought, but how capable I am of "doing it all."  I put that in quotation marks because I'm not talking about doing everything and being everything to everyone, no.  I'm talking about making time for all the people and things that are most important to me.  If someone told you to do 1 1/2 hours worth of hot yoga every day for 30 days, do you think you would have the time to do it?  Probably not.  And that was a big part of my challenge - the time commitment.  I figured that if I did yoga every day I wouldn't be able to run or spin or life weights at all, that between work and yoga I wouldn't have much time for family or friends, and that I certainly wouldn't find any time to write.  Yet, ironically enough, I found more time in these past 30 days that I expected to, and did so much more than I have in any other month.  As I look down at my desk calendar, I see days that I went shopping at the outlets with my best friend, went spinning and did "dinner and a movie" with my roomie, tried a butt-kicking bootcamp class at SkyZone Buffalo for the first time, took two yoga classes in one day for the first time, had coffee with a couple of girlfriends, went out to dinner with a great guy, hung out with my niece and sister, had a family night, went to Rochester with some friends for dinner and drinks, decided to go to Santa Barbara for the immersion part of my training and booked my airfare, began to study and memorize the dialogue for my classes, did something a little crazy and spontaneous that I probably "shouldn't" have but am so glad I did, and most importantly, held the very first meeting of my support group.  I did all of that in 30 days!!  Crazy right?!  As I sat on my mat I thought about how the one posture that caused me the most trouble at the beginning of my challenge was standing-bow pose, a pose that requires a great deal of balance, determination, focus, and patience.  Patience certainly isn't my strong suit, and until now, neither was balance.  At the beginning of my challenge I started pushing myself more and more each class, like I always had when I wasn't practicing every day, but by day 15 I was really starting to feel it.  Could I keep pushing this hard, beyond my limits, every class and still make it to day 30?  One day I was so sore from doing another workout (I think it was a run), that I honestly didn't think I could do yoga.  I tried one of the poses at home and it physically hurt.  A good friend convinced me to go and just take it easy.  Take it easy?  Ha, I wouldn't even know where to start!  Ironically enough however, when we got to standing-bow pose, I didn't push quite as hard as I usually do and for the first time ever, I held the posture the entire time.  Most people fall out of the pose several times, which shows that you are pushing, but the pose is all about kicking back as hard as possible while also stretching forward as far as possible, thereby finding a perfect balance that will enable you to hold the posture without falling.  I had to smile and laugh at the irony.  When I stopped pushing myself so hard, I found my balance.

In these 30 days, I realized that pushing myself so hard constantly has been the thing holding me back more than anything.  I try so hard to do everything I tell myself I should that I end up doing nothing well.  I focus on two many things all at once and then get frustrated and give up.  I tell myself I have to write this book now, now that I have the time and a writing room to do it in, but by worrying myself and getting so frustrated with myself for not writing, I make myself not even want to do it at all.  It's like I failed before I even started.  Whenever you push yourself too hard, you fall.  Why?  Because you lose your balance.  You can't find your balance when you're pushing too hard!  Why do always think we have to push so hard and stretch ourselves so thin and be so perfect at everything?  And when we aren't "perfect," why are we so quick to beat ourselves up?  No one is perfect, and no one can do any one thing perfectly all the time.  After challenging myself to 30 yoga classes this month, I learned how to take it a bit easier on myself - ironic, right?!  I realized that I don't have to give 100% all day, every day.  I don't have to push past my limits every single class.  That would've been the best way to exhaust and hurt myself.  Some days my back was sore, other days my hamstrings were pulled, and I had to adjust my practice and how deeply I went into certain poses accordingly.  If I pushed too much when something was sore, I would've injured myself and ruined my challenge.  See?  Pushing too much is never a good thing, and it feels great to finally realize that.

Taking that even further, during this 30 days I realized that what I do in the yoga studio is exactly what I do in my daily life - push myself non-stop, too hard, too much.  In reality, I know I have been pushing myself non-stop ever since my mom died.  I was such a baby up until she died, so afraid to leave home or step out and do much of anything at all, and after she tried pushing me out of the nest a bit when she was sick, I knew I needed to do it myself after she died.  And I have, non-stop.  I pushed myself to dorm, despite being petrified, and once I did that, it was onto the next challenge - taking a trip with a friend to somewhere I had never been, NYC, where I knew no one.  Then came dorming out of state.  After I did that, I let myself fall in love again, and then when the relationship ended, I challenged myself to move to Georgia for an internship.  Next came attaining a fulltime job, then moving to Georgia "permanently," then moving home to finally write my book, and then traveling out of the country by myself for a writing retreat.  I have been pushing myself to grow and do things I'm afraid of non-stop, which is good, but what's not good is being so focused on the next step, and the next, that you never appreciate or celebrate where you are now.   Constantly focusing on the next step and the next and your ultimate destination is the best way to miss your life.  All the best things in life aren't in the past or the present, they're happening right now.  The only way you can feel love is right now.  All of your power and your happiness is in this moment.  Yoga has taught me how to be present in each moment, letting the last pose go and not worrying about the next or focusing on getting to the end of class.  It's about the process, it's about each moment. 

I'm finally done looking for the next step.  I think I was actually looking for me in the next step, and I never found me because when I got to that step I was already focused on the next.  By stopping looking for myself in the future and focusing on who I was going to become, I figured out who I am.  Because who I am isn't about who I'll be or where I'll be, it's about who I am and where I am.  I found me inside of a yoga studio, and I started to realize that life isn't about making things happen, it's about letting things happen the way they are supposed to.  It's not about forcing, it's about accepting.  I accept the hand I was dealt, I accept that my mother died and that I can now help so many other people dealing with loss and grief, I accept the thick thighs my mothers gave me that help me run and do yoga so well, I accept that I talk a lot and am emotional beyond belief, I accept that my favorite kind of books are self-help books, I accept that I gained a few pounds over the past nine months, and I accept that I don't know how everything is going to come together or when, because all I need to know is that I'm being me and doing what feels right and what makes me happy and I trust that everything will fall into place as a result. 

Inside of a yoga studio I realized that I can do anything I think I can, just like my mother always told me, so long as I'm not too busy trying to do everything.  Practicing balance in the postures has taught me how to practice balance in my daily life, in my relationship with others, and in my relationship with myself.  I now know that so long as I keep my balance at all times and adjust myself as needed to keep that balance, I'll always be successful and happy!  Ii'm not afraid of getting into a relationship again anymore because I know how to keep my balance now, and I know that none of my relationships will be successful if I'm not taking care of the one I have with myself first.  Now that I found my balance, over these past 30 days, I don't have to be so afraid of losing it. :)

You can do anything in 30 days.  What will you challenge yourself to this month?  Tomorrow is a new day and marks the beginning of a new month.  Make it a good one!  Challenge yourself to do one thing all month, something you think you cannot do.  Maybe that thing is as simple as finding 15 minutes each day to be by yourself and clear your mind, maybe it's to finally drop your pace below an 8-minute mile, maybe it's to start writing every day, even just a little, to sign up for a class, to spend more time with your family, to kick an addiction or bad habit, to finally stop spending and start saving, to drop a few pounds, to start seeing a counselor or being working through issues from the past, or to simply stop focusing so much on everybody else and taking care of everybody else and to start focusing a little bit more on yourself.  We fill our lives with so much and try to do so many things, but we'll never be able to do everything.  This month, just start with something, one thing, and do it for 30 days.  Challenge yourself to push through and not give up when it's hard, or when an ostacle pops up.  There were so many days that I was physically exhausted or just didn't want to get up out of my bed to go to class, but I did and I was always glad after.  I proved to myself that I could do it when I didn't want to or didn't think I could, and that gave me a sense of self-empowerment that you wouldn't believe!  I want you to feel the same empowerment.  Won't you show up for yourself too?  Because if you don't, who will?  You can do so much more than you think you can.  Trust me.  Why not challenge yourself and see???  :-)

Push Yourself - You Can Do As Much, Or As Little, As You Think You Can!

I don't know if I mentioned this but I decided to take on a 30-day hot yoga challenge at the beginning of January.  Rather than making resolutions and trying to give things up (though I'll admit I tried giving alcohol up...for a solid week.  HEY! I can, I just didn't see the point in going cold turkey at the time, haha), I decided to truly commit myself to my yoga teacher training.  I decided to practice every single day in the month of January, something I wanted to do in the past but never did.  Even some of my own teachers have never done the challenge, so I'm quite proud of myself for undertaking it.  I knew it would be challenging, but I decided to make it happen; no excuses!  The first week or so was much easier than I expected.  The only thing that was a bit challenging was making the time to get to class every day for an hour and a half, which forced me to give up my shift at work one night because traffic on Elmwood caused me to miss the afternoon class.  I could've just said, "Oh well, that was out of my control.  I guess I just won't make yoga today," but I didn't.  I had made a commitment to myself and I meant it.  I'm so good about being there for other people, helping other people, and putting other people's needs and wants in front of my own, especially in a relationship, but I decided it's time to start being there for me.  It's time to start showing up for myself, to the things I want, and not giving up.  It's time to be much more committed to the things I want, but the things I could very easily back down from or tell myself I can't do.  So, I did what I needed to do.  The second week found me feeling a bit more sore but nothing too bad.  The entire thing was still much easier than I expected.  I was proud of myself, but I didn't really see what the big deal was yet.  Ha!  I was about to find out....

14 days into my challenge was a Saturday and I had to work 10:45 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.  I had a feeling I should get up and go to the 8 a.m. class but I had worked until 12:30 a.m. the night before and was exhausted.  I decided to go to the only class I could, the 5 p.m. one in North Tonawanda, but unfortunately my last table took forever to pay.  Once they finally did, I got stuck in a line of servers waiting to drop their money and add up their credit card slips, and when it was finally my turn, I realized I only had 14 minutes to make it to class.  I was instantly upset as the realization set in - I was going to miss my first day of yoga.  My mood sank faster than a foot would in quicksand.  I was frustrated, mad, and lashed at out my friend, who had upset me earlier in the day.  I blamed my day's negative turn on him, telling him he had started it.  Then it hit me - if I get this upset and frustrated over missing a yoga class, perhaps there are many more reasons than one for me to be going!  Dear Lord, I needed some zen.  I started to think that perhaps this is also part of the challenge.  It isn't just about physically being able to do yoga for 30 days, but also adapting to things that come up, working around them, and not losing your peace over them.  I went home, relaxed, and tried to find my peace again (I believe there might also have been a little wine involved).  I found out that the challenge doesn't necessarily need to be done with one class every day, but just 30 classes in 30 days.  Yay!  What that meant, however, was that I needed to do two the next day.  THAT was when the real challenge began.  I had never successfully completed two classes in one day and I wasn't sure if I could.  Rather than let my mind convince me I couldn't do it however, I decided to go in there with an open mind, believe in myself, and simply do the best I could.  And guess what happened?  I completely rocked it out.  I felt great after the class, mostly because I had done something I didn't know I could.  Rather than not try because I wasn't sure I could do it, I believed in myself and tried.  I was not only pleasantly surprised after, but empowered.  The next day, however, I was very sore.  That soreness has remained with me through the last day or two.  I was so sore, in fact, that I didn't feel I could practice the next day.  So I didn't.  But what did that mean?  You bet - I would have to practice twice the following day.  Here we go again!  Did I do it?  Yes.  Was I even more sore after?  Absolutely. 

The last week has been grueling!  Every muscle in my body is tight, pulled, and stretched beyond its previous limitations.  I am exhausted, sore, and every part of my body feels taut.  My quadriceps and hamstrings are the worst, and the soreness I have felt in them for the past few days has been unlike any soreness I have had before.  It would be enough to make anyone stop the challenge, anyone weak that is, anyone uncommited, and anyone looking for an excellent reason to give up.  But that's not me, not anymore.  I have become almost obsessed with showing up to those mirrors in the studio everyday, to myself, for myself.  I spent too many years giving up on things I wanted, things I didn't know if I could do, things I was too scared to try. Not anymore.  I ALMOST did though.

About five days ago I woke up feeling more sore than ever.  My quads were so tight and so sore that bending over hurt.  I needed to head to yoga soon because I had to work later but I honestly didn't think I could.  I tried to do the third pose in the Bikram sequence, Akward pose, which is a three-part leg strengthening exercise.  Um, OW!  I filled my mind with thoughts of how sore I was as I tried to do it, and as I slowly slid down, I felt my quads hurting more and more.  "I can't do it," I told myself.  But at the same time, I didn't think I would be able to do two classes the next day if I felt this bad today.  I pattered around the house for ten minutes, trying to decide.  I really didn't want to go, physically, but mentally I did.  I was so close to finishing my challenge and I certainly didn't want to give up now, but I honestly didn't think I could.  Then I remembered something I always forget - I don't always have to be perfect!  I push myself beyond my limits every class, and have become borderline obsessed with going further into the postures than I think I can, but one of the biggest elements of yoga is connecting your mind and body (and your breath), and LISTENING to your body.  We can't always get as deep into a posture as the day before, and other days we are sore from something we did and need to adjust our practice accordingly.  All I needed to do was show up and do what I could.  A good friend also gave me a little much-needed kick in the butt, and off I went.  Want to know what happened?  I felt great the minute I got into the warm room and focused on my breath, so proud of myself for simply showing up when I didn't want to and didn't think I could.  I was changing before my own eyes.  No longer was I giving up on things the way I used to.  No longer was I giving up on myself.  And guess what?  Not only did I do much better than I expected, but that class marked the first time that I held the one pose that I always fall out of because I push myself so much, Standing-Bow Pose, the entire time.  I never fell out of it!  I couldn't help but smile as the sun streamed through the window and danced on my skin, and I realized that this is what yoga is all about - teaching you to be the best possible version of yourself.  It is about bringing your awareness to yourself, listening to yourself, connecting your mind and body, pushing past the limits of your mind (and body), and finding balance and harmony within.  Balance is something I always struggle with, and I think the way I struggle with Standing-Bow Pose is symbolic of that.  Yet, ironically enough, when I was too sore to push myself too hard, I struck the perfect balance I had been looking for.  Sometimes we try so hard to be the best and do our best, or do everything, that we prohibit ourselves from doing just that.  Pushing ourselves is great, and we can do so much more than we think, but finding a balance in everything is the true key to success.

What is one thing you really want to do that you simply haven't been making the time for?  Maybe it's something you always wanted to try but never have, a group you've always thought about starting, or a class you've always wanted to sign up for?  Perhaps it's getting back into your old pair of pants so you can start feeling better about yourself.  Whatever it is, commit yourself to it; just one thing!  Set your intention, fill your mind with positive thoughts, and whenever it gets hard and you want to just fall back into your old habits and give up, decide to try something new.  Decide to push through, to not give up on yourself.  As my mother always said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going!"  Whatever it is that you want, get going!  And remember, as Emmerson said, "No one can cheat you out of ultimate success but yourself!"  Stop cheating yourself.  Stop holding yourself back.  Stop giving power to the self-imposed limits of your mind.  Have some faith - in yourself!  I have learned so much over the past year, and the past 24 days of 24 yoga classes, but one of my greatest lessons has been that your faith, in yourself, is what makes you who you are.  So, who are you???  ;)