Have you ever realized how much easier it is to take care of everyone besides yourself, or how much easier it is to spend one day after another doing something you don't love than taking time to discover what it is you love and what it is you were put here to do? Over the past year I have truly realized just how important it is to make time for myself and to stop putting everybody and everything else first. When I get stressed, overwhelmed, unsure of what I'm doing or where I'm going, scared, mad at myself for not doing the things I want to, or feel unbalanced, constantly fatigued, and just generally not as happy as I usually am, I always wind up realizing that I haven't been taking enough time for myself.
I grew up in a family of caregivers, women who take care of everyone else, and their homes, before themselves. Sounds great, right? Yes, there are plenty of amazing selfless mothers in my family, that's for sure, but there are also plenty of women who aren't happy with their bodies, who are stressed to the max because they are constantly overextending themselves, who aren't following their hearts, who don't know how to listen to their own inner voices because they're too busy putting everybody else's first, women who feel genuinely bad about doing things for themselves no matter how much they do for others, who can't sleep if there are dishes in the sink or clothes that still need to be folded, who tend to be control freaks and always do everything themselves instead of ever letting anyone help them, who don't take regular time to do something they love like join a book club or take fitness classes, and women who give so much to others that they often feel empty, unappreciated, frustrated, tired, and stressed. Suddenly doesn't sound so good anymore, does it? And how is anyone supposed to truly make their husband or child happy if they aren't happy with themselves? How is any marriage supposed to hold up when the two people in it have lost touch with themselves, and put a child before their marriage and each other in front of themselves? Somewhere along the line, particularly in my family, we misunderstood the concept that truly loving someone means putting them in front of yourself. I think that that is more the exception than the rule. I think that when it comes down to it, you should give up your fitness class after work to rush home to your sick husband, or that you might forgo that day at the spa to afford something your husband has been wanting for months, but I also think that you are supposed to make decisions like this from time to time when you love someone, not all day, every day. About a year ago, I abruptly realized that I was following right along in the tracks of the majority of the women in this family. I was making major decisions for men, constantly changing my plans to be with them or do things for them, taking care of them as much as possible, and giving up things I wanted for them more often than not. It wasn't until I wound up dumped, with no furniture, no money, no plan, and a broken heart in middle of a city I didn't want to be in anymore just two months after I moved for a guy that I realized how badly I needed to change. I realized that most women who put others first are women who don't know how to put themselves first, women who have been wounded in some way, and women who are loving others because it's easier to do that than to truly love themselves. I realized how true it is that the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself, as well as how much more of my time and attention that relationship needed...
Have I worked on my relationship with myself? Yes. Lots. Am I "done"? No. I may never be. Just like happiness, trust, self-love, and a marriage, it is something I think I'll be working on the rest of my life. We all will. The most important thing, however, is taking the first step. If you are like me, constantly putting cleaning, laundry, bills, and a never-ending daily to-do list in front of that thing you've always wanted to do, like writing or taking a ballet class, getting back into shape, or perhaps the thing you don't want to do but know you need to, like seeking out a counselor to help you work through that unresolved grief, traumatic life event, or dangerous habit, or leaving your job to find the one you really want, how are you ever supposed to be happy? I often get frustrated that I'm not writing, not blogging, nor working on my novel or sending articles to magazines, not sitting around local coffee shops anymore with my laptop and a book, but it's no one's fault but my own. It isn't my boyfriend's fault and maybe you need to realize that it's not your husband's or kids' fault - it's yours. Accept responsibility for your actions. There will always be other people to blame, a lack of money, a job, a lack of time, or whatever excuse you choose to use, but accept that that's exactly what it is: an excuse. If you see something about yourself that needes to change, DO IT! More than anything else, my yoga practice has taught me self-awareness. Awareness is everything. When I'm doing the dishes and cleaning nonstop or laying on my couch doing absolutely nothing, I realize that I'm doing it to distract myself. I'm putting stupid things in front of what I really want to do. Why? I don't always know. Maybe it's a bad habit, maybe it's easier, maybe it's just what I know, or maybe it's because the unknown in scary. Maybe it's because I was raised to be a caregiver, but what about taking care of myself?
My mom was the most amazing mother I could've ever asked for and shortly after she died, my counselor asked me to name a few things I think my mother could've done better. I couldn't think of any. Only over the past few years have I begun to realize, particularly from watching my sisters do the same thing, that she could've, and should've, taken more time for herself. She should've gone out with my dad more, just the two of them. She should've gone to the spa here and there, taken a weekend getaway with her girlfriends once a year, flown to see her mother in Tampa on her own once or twice, and maybe she should've not waited to go back to school for what she really wanted to do until my sisters and I were all grown up. The only things she ever did for herself were religious things. She was a very happy person but I think she was so busy taking care of my sisters and my dad that she wasn't doing enough for herself and didn't stand up for herself the way she should've sometimes. Sometime you have to make waves in a marriage or with friends or with your boss to get what you want. Sometimes you have to hurt somebodies feelings or feel "selfish" to do what you want. You only get one life, and if you spend it making everybody else happy besides yourself, would you be happy with that? I wouldn't. If you don't put yourself first, no one else will. If you don't put down the laundry or walk away from the sink sometimes, you'll clean your life away. Stop making it so easy for other people to get what they want while you don't get anything you want, stop putting all the little things in front of the things that really matter, and stop making it so easy for yourself to do everything besides what it is you really want. The only one you're cheating is you.
It's scary going after things you want. It's harder to do the thing that's right for you but maybe isn't for your marriage or your boyfriend or your roomate. But if you don't do what's right for you, who will? If you don't chase your dreams and spend time figuring out what it is you were put here to do, who will? If Thomas Edison wouldn't have put his ideas and experiments first, we wouldn't have the lightbulb. If the Wright Brothers wouldn't have taken the time to experiment and build the first airplane, you wouldn't be able to take vacations and travel to see friends and family like you do. Imagine if Steve Jobs would've said, "Nah, that's a stupid idea. I'll just stick to working on my house," instead of inventing iTunes, the iPod, the iPad, and the iPhone. He literally changed the face of modern technology, and to do that he not only made time for himself, but he believed in himself and his ideas when no one else did. When giving a speech about inventing the iPhone, Jobs said, "It comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don't get on the wrong track or try to do too much. We're always thinking about new markets we could enter, but it's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important." When we try to do too much, we wind up doing nothing well, or nothing at all. We have to learn to say no, as hard as it may be in the beginning, to people and things that drain our energy and time so that we can focus our energy on our lives, our happiness, our dreams, and what our own inner voice is telling us to do. Learn to say no. The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.
Tonight, I'm going to let those dishes sink there. I'm going to start saying no the voice that would have me clean my life, work my life away, and wish my life away. Tomorrow, I'm going to start my day with yoga, walk to the lake to pick myself some fresh flowers for my apartment, make myself a yummy breakfast, and then spend my day writing - the thing I always want to do but never do. Tomorrow is another day, another chance, another gift, another opportunity to find time for you and do whatever it is you want. What will you do with it?
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