Sometimes I feel like a child. I'm silly, giggly, immature at times, I whine like a child, pout like a child, and get stupid excited over little things like ice-cream, like a child. Yet, most of the time I take life too seriously. I overthink things, I focus too much on where I want to be instead of where I am, I get really emotional over goodbyes and changes and cards and deaths, I let fear and "practicality" limit me, and I worry too much. I think most of us do. But why? We think children are naive, innocent, and immature, but are they? And if they are, isn't that really how we're all supposed to be? Kids don't take anything too seriously, they don't let fear control their decisions or hold them back from doing something they want to do, and they don't hold onto the past or fear the future. Kids just see what is. They enjoy where they are at any given moment, they don't put on a show for other people, they allow themselves to feel whatever they are feeling at that moment (be it hunger, frustration, saddness, tiredness, or excitement) and they express it. They go after whatever they want, they eat as much as they want, they cry when they want, they smile when they want, they always want to try new things, and all they ever really want is to have fun. It's simple, and it's the way life is supposed to be lived.
Kids don't try to be other people. They don't look in the mirror and think, "Man, my thighs are rubbing each other below my diaper." They don't care about makeup, fashion, losing weight, making a lot of money, or being more successful than so-and-so. They don't compare themselves to other people, they don't rush through life constantly trying to make it to their next "destination," and they don't allow life's changes or unexpected setbacks to scar and limit them. Kids take life as it comes, and that's a lesson we could all stand to learn from them.
I find myself worrying about my niece from time to time, wondering how her parents' recent split will effect her in the future. I worry about her being tossed back and forth between two homes and what she thinks of it, if anything. I wonder if it will effect her view on love and relatonships in the future. I worry that she will think it was in some way her fault, or that she did something wrong, but I don't have to. Everytime I look at her she reminds me to stop worrying about everything so much, to smile, to enjoy the moment, and to be happy. She reminds me, when she waves at her favorite baby cousin pulling out of the driveway to fly back home and then immediately returns to excitedly running around the yard, that life is meant to be lived in the moment. We can't see what life has in store tomorrow or in another year, who will leave us or break our heart, who will die, or what unwanted changes will come down the pipe. All we can do is fully feel and be present in each moment. We should enjoy where we are at any given moment fully, because we never know how long anything will be as it is now. So many times we aren't present because we are thinking of other things, taking whatever we are doing or who we are with for granted, or worrying about something else instead of enjoying whatever we are doing at that moment. How many times have you started complaining about a vacation ending and having to go back home before it actually ended? I know I have, and I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want to look back and say, "Man, if I would've known that would've been my last summer with so-and-so or my last vacation in that beach house, I wouldn't have spent it crying about that guy who broke up with me or working 24-7 or worrying about what I was going to do at the end of the summer." That is time wasted and time is a precious gift that will eventually run out. Too often, we take time for granted.
From time to time I think about my niece's father and how close I always was with him. I miss him. I hate that he isn't in my life much anymore and I hate how much has changed. However, Alexis (his daughter and my niece) makes me think, why do I hate it? It's different, yes, but that doesn't mean things can't be even better than they once were. And even if they never get better, would I change anything I did? Would I take back all the days I spent with my brother-in-law, all the hugs, all the jokes, all the phonecalls, all the good times? No. I wouldn't change those for the world. Similarly, even if I would have known ahead of time the way my ex-boyfriend would unexpectedly leave me and break my heart, would I never have dated him to begin with? No. I would have. I enjoyed my time with every guy I have dated so far. I enjoyed my 17 years with my mother more than anything. If I would've known ahead of time that I would lose her to cancer, would I have not gotten so close? Would I have changed anything? No. What we had was perfect while we had it. And that's exactly why we need to be more like children. We never know how long we're going to have anyone or anything. We think we're grown up and more mature than kids, and that we known how rough and tough life can be, but does that make us make "smarter" decisions, or just "safer" ones? We think we're being smart, safe, and protecting ourselves when we choose not to go skydiving or rockclimbing, not to give up our great-paying job for one that really makes us happy, and not to put ourselves our there and fall in love again, but is that smart? No, it's just "safer." It's what we've learned to do as a result of past failures, losses, dissappointments, and heartaches. But just like children, we should get right back in the game, every single time, instead of giving up, closing ourselves off, and living as a victim of our own pasts. Like children, we need to let go of the past, not worry about the future, and simply live in the moment. Easier said than done? Certainly. But I've come to realize, over the past 10 years, that it really is the only way to live fully.
I was crying when I waved goodbye to my sister and nephew as they left for the airport and walked back up the driveway with Alexis. I was amazed that my niece, who had followed "Baby Jake" around every minute of every day that he had been here, was not. I was so proud of her for having enjoyed every moment she did with her aunt and cousin, and now choosing to let them go and enjoy her time with me and my boyfriend. Just a few days ago, she flew to Florida with her father. I am so proud of her for that. At three years old, she left her mommy for a whole week. When I was 15 I was petrified to leave my mom and cried the first hour of the carride to Consecon, Canada, with my best friend and her family. As far as I know, Alexis hasn't cried yet. She's making friends with the kids at the pool, having fun with her father and his side of the family, and is fully enjoying every moment she has on her vacation - not wasting it thinking of Buffalo, missing everyone here, and wallowing that her trip will end before it even has. She is simply being fully present and enjoying the only gift she has for sure at any given moment - THE PRESENT. <3
Alexis, thank you for reminding Aunt Kimmi to stop looking back, feeling sad over all that was and no longer is. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy what I have right now, because that's the only thing that matters. Thank you for reminding me how important it is to adapt, to let go of the past, and to not worry about the future. Thank you for making me smile all the time, and for reminding me how simple life really is. (Adults just like to complicate everything.) Thank you for reminding me not to take life too seriously, and that the most important thing in this world is found, and felt, in the little moments. The biggest gifts always come in the smallest packages, and you, my precious niece, are certainly a little package. :-) Thank you for being so carefree, so happy, and so smiley all the time, no matter what happens. In that way, and in so many others, you remind me of your Grandma Carolyn. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how life changes, we'll always have the one thing that matters most and the one thing that can never die - LOVE.
Jacob, thank you for reminding Aunt Kimmi how to be fearless. When I watch you climb from the floor onto the toilet seat, up the back of the toilet, and then attempt to get up onto the shelf in the bathroom without even a flinch or ever looking down, you remind me that we should all be so ambitious when it comes to getting what we want. You don't let fear control your decisions and neither should we. When I watch you attempt to "Kramer" your way down a flight of stairs, you remind me to step out in faith more in my life, before I see the next step. The staircare appears after we take a step, not before. Whoever said, "Look before you leap" was wrong. We aren't supposed to look, we aren't supposed to be "safe," we aren't supposed to live in our comfort zones, and we aren't supposed to limit ourselves with fear. You are 100% fearless, and you inspire me to live my life the same way whenever I see you. You amaze me.
You two are the best things that have happened to me in a long time and you will never know how much I love you. I fully understood, when you each came into my life, that I would be responsible for teaching you so many things. What I didn't know, was how much you would both teach me so early on. You remind me that we are all teachers and we are all students, just like in the yoga studio. We learn from each other and every experience in our lives every day, and it is often the people we least expect to teach us that wind up teaching us the most. <3
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