Hello, dear readers. I apologize for my absence, much moreso than you know, as whenever I don't write for an extended period of time it begins to take a significant toll on my mental and emotional state. Just as when I forget to find time to relax or do something for myself, when I "forget" to write because I'm just too busy with my never-ending life to-do list, I feel overwhelmed, stressed out, empty, unfulfilled, fatigued, and disconnected. So I've made a decision: No more placing everything else in front of my writing and in front of myself. Life is too short to let life get in the way of what we truly want, right?
Over the past couple of months so much has happened! I decided to become a yoga instructor and worked my butt off to be able to afford taking a two-and-a-half-week trip to Santa Barbara, California, for the immersion part of my training. I met a great group of people very similar to myself, people with whom I not only practiced yoga and the extensive class dialogue with, but also practiced becoming the best version of myself and getting out of my own way long enough to discover my own limitless potential. The training was exhausting physically and mentally, amazing, frustrating, gratifying, eye-opening, and life-changing, and I flew home from it n bad need of rest but having to work non-stop to make up for my time away. I have been playing catch-up ever since my trip, in addition to continuing to memorize the rest of the dialogue on my own in preparation for my first mock class as a teacher. I had my mock class last week and now I begin teaching this week! Hooray! However, as per usual for me, I have spent the last week feeling down and out, frustrated, unmotivated, and mad at myself for "doing nothing with my life." Like most overachievers, I have spent the majority of my life focusing on the next step, not the one currently under my feet that I worked so hard to get to, and that's the best way to miss your own life. I work so hard to get somewhere and then feel as though I am already supposed to be past where I am. I expect so much of myself that nothing is ever good enough, and I'm so used to self-criticism that if I ever tried to pat my own back I'd have to turn around to see who it was! I suffocate my own potential under piles of self-judgement, self-doubt, a fear of failure, and a clock that is always tick-tick-ticking. There is no room leftover for creativity, peace, self-trust, assurance, and the faith that everything is unfolding exactly how and when it is supposed to. I have to stop the cycle, my own vicious cycle, of self-sabotage and self-criticism. The Bible tells us that where there is fear, love cannot abide. Similarly, where there is self-doubt, self-trust cannot abide. I need to TRUST that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my life's path, that the events and relationships in my life are unfolding exactly as they are meant to, that there never have been and never will be any mistakes (just lessons and redirections), and that I will choose the path that is right for me whenever the one I am currently on abruptly stops and leaves me with no other choice but to abandon the old one and begin walking a new one.
I have spent my entire life questioning everything that happens, everything that might happen, everything that hasn't yet happened, and everything that will never happen. I have questioned myself and my own decisions relentlessly, to the point that running a marathon would feel like a day at the spa compared to being in my own head! Unfortunately, all that questioning doesn't show logic or wisdom, it shows a complete lack of trust in myself and the grand plan for my life. I have watched several things unfold in my life so magically over the past year and turn out so much better than I ever could've imagined, yet I still feel the need to question and worry and wonder. Why? I grew up thinking that controlling as much as possible would get me what I wanted, but only in the past year have I realized that letting go is what gets me everything I didn't even know I wanted and so much more than I could've hoped for!
Life is full of unexpected bumps in the road, a never-ending to-do list, bills that come as quickly as each new day, and non-stop decisions that we over-dramatize and blow up into a matter or life or death, but none of those things matter if you trust in yourself and your own ability to handle them the best you can! If you trust that no matter what you choose to do at any moment, your life is still going to turn out exactly as it's supposed to, you don't have to WASTE time stressing and worrying about every little thing. "Overanalysis leads to paralysis." Don't get so caught up in analyzing every possible move and every one of its possible effects on your life that you make no move whatsoever. "Instead of getting stuck in the unending cycle of indecision and procrastination, get some perspective and start taking action. Begin focusing your attention on progress, not perfection, otherwise you will self-sabotage your efforts." I have been a perfectionist my whole life, as well as a major over-analyzer and my own worst critic, and that is lethal to creativity, growth, and self-exploration. It's time to exercise some loving patience with myself. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now, and if I stop beating myself up for all I'm NOT doing, I'll have so much more energy and love to focus on what I AM doing.
So tonight, dear readers, I send all of you a little more self-patience, self-acceptance, and a whole lot of self-trust. Everything is unfolding exactly as intended... <3
I love you & you're amazing! I cannot tell you that enough! You will never understand the positive impact you have had, and are continuing to have, on my life.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing love :)