I couldn't possibly begin to tell you all the things, both little and big, that yoga has taught me since I began practicing it in 2010. I first dipped my toes into the yoga pool for mere physical reasons. I wanted a new and challenging way to work out and hot yoga was certainly it! It took me a couple of months to go back after my first class, and almost a year to establish a regular practice, but it didn't take very long for yoga to become much, much more than a workout. I don't remember the exact day or even month that it happened, but somewhere along the line yoga became my greatest teacher, healer, and the one path that led me to my SELF. As I began to practice more and more, I gradually started to see myself in the mirrors, a self I never knew existed.
I grew up in a very close and loving family, one that supported, nurtured, and loved me so much that I didn't have to do it myself. I had no cares in the world, no "tough stuff" to deal with, nothing but a pure and innocent childhood. My identity was my family, as is the case for most children until they develop their own, but even in my teenage years I remained abnormally close to my family and home most of the time. I was happy and healthy but I had no sense of my own identity. In the years when most teenagers begin to spread their wings and discover their own identity, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world changed in the blink of an eye and the only thing that mattered anymore was being with her and being there for her. I didn't want to drink or go out and have fun the way most people my age did, and as my Mom's fight got harder and harder, I began to separate myself more and more from the outside world. I lived in a hospital with her when I wasn't at school, and then when she was sent home and released into Hospice, all I did was attend school and help take care of her. My life became all about one thing: helping my Mom get better. I was determined to keep her spirits high, to help her regain strength through therapy, to get her to eat, and to pray with her for healing. But despite my efforts, prayers and plans, God had a different plan and on October 7, 2003, my Mom passed away. My life was shattered and I had no will to go on without her. I buried myself in my grief, doing anything I could to feel close to her. All I wanted was to hear her voice, to know what I should do every day from there on out. I had always gone to her for advice, or to my other family members, and never took the time to find my own voice. As I slowly moved on with my life, I picked up where my mother had left off, pushing myself to do anything I was afraid of. I started to take steps in my own direction, but mostly because I knew it was what she would want. I started living my life like a checklist without even realizing it, always pushing myself and trying to get to the "next destination." But even as I was appearing to move on, I developed a comfortable residence in the past, where she was, and an unhealthy attachment to anything that reminded me of her or a time when I had her. When I lost my dog, it was like losing her again. When I had to get rid of my first car, I actually grieved over it. When my sisters moved out and away, I felt like I was losing everything. I began to see my life as one loss after another and I reacted overly-emotionally to each one. Looking back, I think I was grieving the loss of what I thought was my identity. We often mistake the people we love, jobs we do, and houses we live in as pieces of our identity, but they aren't and we must be careful not to mistake them as so. Think about it. When someone asks you "Who are you?" how do you respond? Most of us answer with something like, "Well, I'm a writer" or "I'm a mother" or "I'm a passionate and happy person." Whether or not these things are true, they are not who you are. They are things you do or qualities you possess, but any of them could change in the blink of an eye. Your family, home, and job could all be taken from you tomorrow, but guess what, you are still you! We all have one true identity, the Self, and it remains no matter what worldly things come and go or how our lives change. Losing my Mom was extremely hard and painful, as it should've been, but it shouldn't have felt like I lost myself with her, just like it shouldn't have felt that way every time I went through a breakup. Yoga has taught me that. Yoga was the first thing I did in my life that was completely and totally all about me, something I started only because I wanted to, and it was the one thing that led me to my Self, the Self that was always there behind the grief and fear and loneliness, the Self I simply hadn't discovered yet.
Day after day, as I showed up to myself in the mirrors at my studio, I slowly began to see and get to know my Self. I began to see past my grief, baggage, fear, past all the searching and questions, and into my Self. I was making time for myself, as often as possible, and that time was helping me find myself and my own inner voice. That voice sounded like a whisper at the beginning but as my self-awareness grew, so did the volume of that voice. I still question myself, don't get me wrong, and I still wish my Mom was here physically to help me navigate through life's ups and downs, but I am learning to trust myself more and more every day. I was always in touch with my grief and honored my feelings and needs, but I made the death of my Mother my identity. It changed my life, yes, as it should have, but I let it take over my life. Her death became one of the first things I said when I introduced myself to someone, it became my motivation to want to work with cancer patients, and it became something I was more or less obsessed with. I didn't just want to be like my Mom, I wanted to be my Mom. Looking back, I think the main reason my Mom's death seemed to take a heavier toll on me than my sisters, in this respect, was because I didn't yet know who I was without her. I hadn't spread my wings yet, and when she died, I climbed back down off the ledge of our nest and buried myself where she once laid. As I gradually stepped out, it was in an effort to find her presence in my life. Yoga, however, was all about me finding my own presence. I had been searching and searching for my identity for years and when I started practicing yoga, I realized my identity wasn't something I had to "figure out" or "find," it was something I simply needed to see. As the layers of grief and fear unraveled, my true Self was revealed to me. I found my Self and my own voice through the mirrors at Evolation yoga, and as I did, I was able to start living my life for me, not for my Mom. I established my own voice, became more aware of my habits and thoughts, and have been learning, every day since I started practicing, how to take care of me and make decisions that are right for me. In turn, I have become healthier, happier, more aware, and more in touch with myself than I have ever been. And ironically enough, by finding my Self, the one true Self and Divinity that is in all of us, I found my connection to my mother. I spent so many years desperately searching for her, and for me, outside of myself, when all I ever really needed to do was go inward.
The things that happen in this world can take a large toll on us. They can leave us with fractured identities (or what we think is our identity in this world), baggage, guilt, grief, attachments, fears, questions, and insecurities. They often leave us questioning who we are, what is most important, and what life is really all about. It's easy to lose ourSELVES in today's fast-paced, materialistic world, which is why it's more important now than ever to take time for your Self. Doing things that make you happy are great, but you will get much more out of doing things that center you, clear your mind, and allow you to feel, and build, a connection and relationship with yourself. I consider the founders of Evolation Yoga, Mark Drost and Zefea Samson-Drost, to be my modern day "gurus." They have, and continue to, teach me so much about myself and life in general. A couple of weeks ago in class, Zefea ended class with a great quote about self-love. She said, "Practicing yoga is like dating...yourself. You learn more about yourself each time you come to class, and you begin to love yourself for exactly who you are. Yoga is a life-long love affair. Practicing yoga is practicing self-love, and learning to accept and love every cell in your body." I cannot tell you how true her words are. After my Mom died, I was afraid to become attached to anyone else out of a fear of losing them, and yet again losing myself. This fear led me to an even deeper attachment to the men I dated. I was petrified of loss and therefore stayed in relationships I shouldn't have, and when they ultimately ended, I felt my Mother's loss all over again, which was really the loss of what I thought was my identity. I was lacking in self-love because I didn't really know who I was without her. As I started practicing yoga and getting to know myself, or "dating myself" as Zefea said, I began to learn how to truly love and take care of myself. Now I am so much happier in my personal relationships because they are no longer dominated by a fear of loss, essentially the loss of myself. I love myself first now, so that I can truly love others. I take care of myself first, so that I can also take care of others. I make myself happy first, instead of doing things to make others happy that will take a toll on my own happiness. Practicing being present in class has taught me to practice living in the present moment every day, rather than constantly worrying about the future and dwelling on the past. "You are not your past. You are not your future. You are YOU." I needed to learn that lesson more than anything. I am learning to let go more and more every day, to stop trying to control things, and to just be. I am growing in love every day, learning to trust myself more every day, and continuing to practice conscious living. Yes, I slip back into my old thought patterns every now and again, but at least now I'm aware of it and know how to get back on track.
Yoga has been the greatest gift. It is the only thing that truly healed me and helped me get to know, and love, mySelf. I now teach it for that very reason, to help others find themselves and heal themselves both inside and out. Yoga has taught me that no matter what has happened or happens in our lives, we don't have to change the world or anyone else in it; we only have to change ourselves. We seek happiness and perspective in so many worldly ways, but that will never work because we are not of this world. You don't need a therapist or a new haircut or to move or spend a week away from home to "find" yourself, like I used to think. As Bikram Yoga founder Bikram Choudhury says, "The longest distance any of us ever has to travel to self-realization is six inches. Six inches lie between the mind and heart, between ego and Spirit, between fear and love. Six inches is all that separates us from God. It is the true path to Self-Realization."
Namaste.
